Borderline Personality Disorder

Last night I realized I have about four weeks left here in my hometown (aka: the place I’ve been living in the past 21+ years).

Panic ensued.

Because…I’m moving away from here???

I’ve never known anything else. I mean, yes, I’ve lived in other places for a maximum of 2 months, but there was always a return date scheduled. And now I only have to buy a one-way plane ticket? No return? Nothing? Shit.

I’m not saying I don’t want it. I’m just saying I’m afraid. And I’m so afraid I don’t know what I want right now.

What have I gotten myself into??? Why wasn’t I a good girl and just stayed here to do my residency? Grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side complex, that’s why. That and wanting to do big things with my life…things I can’t do by staying here forever.

My med school BF told me: “About time you panicked. I’m surprised you hadn’t done so already.” I guess it’s good I’m panicking late in the game? Less time to get cold feet? But I know myself too well to know that even if I had only one day to mull it over, I would still get cold feet at some point. It’s a given with me.

So, this is natural, perfectly normal.

But god it feels horrible yikes!

Every time I look at my dogs my heart breaks. I don’t know when I’m going to see them again after June. And my parents? Geez. I’ve never lived without my parents. As much as I might complain about them and they might be downers for my mood, I still love them to infinity.

I’m going to live alone…..a…..l……o…..n…..e………

Double “shit”. No. Triple”shit”.

I mean, like I said, I’ve lived alone before. It always just had an expiration date on it. But now? Now it’s for realsies. Now there’s no turning back. Now it’s…


Ok, I’ll stop now. That’s too much pressure. (But it’s the truth! *squeak*)

On a more serious note…I’m afraid for my parents. They’re not getting any younger. And I’m leaving now, just when they’re starting to show a decline in health (specifically my dad). I feel like I’m abandoning them, like the worst daughter ever. I’ve always lived with them and have always had them just…there….with me. And I’m afraid of….you know….leaving, and…stuff….happening to them while I’m gone…

And my dogs…oh my god…how am I going to live without my dogs?! No, seriously, they’ve been key in keeping me away from depression one too many times. I love them to bits.

I’m afraid of falling again into the depression hole. It’s a lot of changes. I’m afraid. Period. I’ve been excited and looking forward to having my new life, but I guess I hadn’t really *really* realized that I’ll be alone and my life and everything I know will be hitting a 180.

Crap. No wonder my face is looking like shit these days.


Shitty shitty. Eh. That’s how I feel.

Nothing much has happened. I’m more relaxed, not as stressed as last week.

But I feel butt-fucking-ugly.

It doesn’t have to do with food. I haven’t purged or restricted for at least a week now and either way, I don’t feel like focusing on food right now. No. It all has to do with my fucking face. I have acne. Terrible acne, like a teenager. My acne back in high school wasn’t as bad as what I have right now.

It’s so embarrassing I don’t want to leave the house and I just want to sit and cry. I’m frustrated because it just sprouted out of the blue. It began around the time of the Match, so I thought it must be the stress, even though I’ve never been prone to stress acne. But it’s just continued wreaking havoc in my face since then. And considering I’m more relaxed now I would expect some relief…but no.

God I feel like a pile of shit ugly.

I have some other stuff in my head right now but I can’t seem to bring myself to post about it. Men-related crap and residency-related crap and life-related crap. Just thoughts….about crap. But I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately, I can’t put my thoughts into words. I feel like I’m censoring myself.

That’s never good.

And because I have all that crap in my head I do what I do best: not deal with it and focus on the mundane, in this case, the acne.

I guess I’d rather berate myself over being ugly than think about my life or the men who aren’t interested in me. Mostly the Russian. Fuck, yes, I’m still thinking about that douche and it’s embarrassing to admit.

Middle school. Kids bullying me over apparently being ugly and crappy. That’s all I can focus on right now.

It’s been quite a day. I’ve been locked up in the hotel room, heartbroken and feeling overwhelmed over having to move to the city that I adore in June.

It probably wasn’t a good idea to browse studio apartments and try to figure out a first month and moving budget in my current emotional state. But whatever, at least I did something productive in spite of the shit.

I feel overwhelmed now. I got so stressed I’m nauseous. I confess: I’ve never adulted in such a way. I don’t know how to adult. Really, no one probably knows how to. But I literally have no clue. I mean, I just barely get by and pretend to know what I’m doing, then freak out when I realize I don’t. Is that adulting?

How am I supposed to figure out a budget when I’ve never lived alone or earned a respectable amount of money (aka: more than zero dollars)? How am I supposed to apartment hunt when I live so far away from the city that I adore and will probably have to choose blindly? How am I supposed to relocate and pay off so much shit, including student loans, if half of my salary will end up going into rent expenses? How am I supposed to do anything when everything costs money and I really don’t have much of that?

Is there anyone out there I can ask these stupid and embarrassing questions? Nobody taught me this shit. Is there like some Adulting Advisor out there who won’t snort and laugh when I say I haven’t ever paid taxes and I’m in my late 20’s? If so, let me know.

Either way, I tried to figure stuff out. It seems I have just enough to travel a wee bit before I become a slave doctor, make the big move, and live in the city that I adore for a month while I get my first check before I max out my savings account. I could also take out a small loan for relocation and my parents are willing to help during that first month, but really I’d like to avoid that. I already have some debt from student loans and I really don’t want to continue living off my parents. Makes me feel like a leech. And to think, I actually have it easy in that department.

I don’t know. I just feel a bit miserable because the excitement has suddenly died out. The last time I saw a patient was back in October and I feel stupid and useless. I forgot why I wanted to be a doctor, let alone a psychiatrist. Rationally, I know big changes are around the bend, but my heart is still sitting on its comfy ass at home.

And on top of that I’m heartbroken now. I hate everything today. And I feel so crappy I’m even regretting having decided to travel now and in May. I should have saved up my money for future rent and adult crap like that.

But then, they always say it can’t be all work and no play. Why do I feel so guilty for treating myself?

Oh wait, because treating myself totally backfired and now I’m heartbroken and completely alone in a place far away from home. I could be one of those badass women who says another one bites the dust, fuck it then, I’ll just enjoy the city on my own.

But no. I’m pathetic and I isolate in a hotel room instead.

I kinda want to die right now. Or sleep and not have to deal with the world. To my twisted mind, those are both the same thing. And yes, I’m throwing the phrase “I want to die” around loosely. Deal with it.

I’m still away from home. I scheduled a trip with a close friend to the city where Pizza Guy lives. It was convenient, surprisingly cheap, and since the opportunity to travel young and responsibility-less won’t come around again in life I said “why not?”. Plus, it happens to be the same city where my most recent dating interest lives.

And yet, it was a bit of a mistake and I can’t wait to get back home. I’ve barely spent time with my friend because she’s busy doing adult things and basically I’ve been locked up in the hotel and mostly sleeping by choice. And why locked up? Because my anxiety is very high right now. And why is my anxiety very high? Because I got my heart broken on only my second day here.

The most recent dating interest is no more and I am pretty devastated. Another one bites the dust. I’m glad I didn’t give him a name on the blog and I’m glad my sole traveling purpose wasn’t him. But still. We were sort-of-almost-dating and just going with the flow. But on Friday he confessed via text that after a full 3 months he’s finally accepted that we’re not a good match.

And you know what’s the funny thing? I rejected him after our first date. I told him I thought there were girls who were more compatible with him than me. He said “ok, but I believe in second chances”. We continued texting daily. He grew on me. We went out quite a couple of times when we coincided geographically. I started liking him. And then finally I was really into him.

But I guess it was the other way around for him. He thought we were a good match at first…but then he got to know me better. Granted, at least he wasn’t a douche like The Russian and actually told me what he felt. But still…

Can’t help but feel men only like me for my physical attributes and sex (yes, low-self-esteem-me is actually feeling that). However, once they get to know me they discover I have no personality and am something to run away from. They all say how beautiful I am  at first and as time goes by they just drift away slowly, hoping I don’t notice.

But Dana, there’s other fish in the sea.

But Dana, that’s not true! You’re a great person! You’ve got an awesome personality in addition to being beautiful!

But I wanted that fucking fish. And I wanted it (him) now.

There’s a backstory to him. He’s been my platonic crush for all of 9 years now. I couldn’t believe I was semi-dating him. I felt so lucky to be semi-dating such an amazing guy. But no. After 3 months I get my heart broken by no less than my platonic crush. You’ve gotta be kidding me…

I’m fucking sad. Very much so. He wants to stay friends. I told him me too, but that he has to give me time to recover. But right now I don’t want to recover, I just want to see him and be with him. And knowing that I’m in the same city as him and we haven’t spoken since Friday is killing me.

Then yesterday I saw Pizza Guy. Nothing remotely sexual, I just wanted some good friendly company and to get out of the hotel. It was good to see him. It allowed me to solidify our current relationship status as friends. I told him about my heartbreak. And again…

There are more fish in the sea.

Dating fucking sucks.

Some new person will come around when you least expect it.

And that’s fine, sure, if I had the fucking certainty that I will actually meet someone or a few people who will be Mr. Right at the right time. But guess what? Some people actually live alone in this life. And that could well be me. What if my fear of ending up alone and without a significant other becomes a reality? Anything’s possible.

Meanwhile, my close friend met up with someone last night and is meeting up with him again today. I love her to bits but I can’t help but feel like an utter piece of shit next to her. I’ve always felt like the ugly best friend when I’m with her and I’m just so jealous of her meeting up with this guy. In summary: here I am, feeling ugly, personality-less, lonely, and heartbroken, while she’s out there meeting awesome guy after awesome guy after awesome guy…in an awesome city.

Why couldn’t I have this one awesome fish with me? What didn’t he like about me? What made him think we’re not a good match?

There’s only one common factor to all the guys I’ve dated or been interested in: me. So, it follows that I’m the problem, right?

I’m always the fucking problem. Maybe I should just fucking drown in a vat of coconut oil.

Yes, still in disbelief. The news of my moving away soon to begin a new life will apparently sink in slowly.

I was thinking yesterday…after so much effort I’m finally here. I’m practically done. I matched. All I have left is graduation and continuing the journey. After 4 years of undergrad, 5 years of medical school, 1 mental breakdown, at least 3 serious episodes of depression, 1 hospitalization, the explosion of eating disordered behaviors, realizing I was abused, a leave of absence, 2 psychologists, 2 psychiatrists, countless exams, a diagnosis of depression and borderline personality disorder, 3 USMLE exams, 4 years of therapy and medication, 9 interviews, considering quitting a million times, thousands spent on traveling expenses and a visiting rotation…after all that, I’m finally here.

And to think, I was so worried I wasn’t going to get interviews or even match because I took a leave of absence.

I guess there’s an upside to thinking about all the effort I’ve put in and all I’ve been through. And yet, part of me gets scared when thinking about all that. I guess it’s good to think about the past, but only to a certain point.

Last night I got a bit scared thinking about whether or not I made the right decision. Having my friend match into the top program obviously got to me a bit because it made me think It could have been me. I could have had (insert Ivy league name) and all it has to offer,  plus the name on my diploma. It was inevitable. I mean, I had the choice of ranking the top program #1, but I chose the heart-mindblown program instead. Hopefully it will finally feel right once I start working. I guess I’ll just have to continue trusting my gut in the coming weeks. I mean, there’s no turning back now.

Either way, I’m incredibly excited. Yesterday I was google-searching what my white coat will look like at the heart-mindblown program and looking at the program website again. I was also taking a look at studio apartments for rent in the neighborhood I want to live in. I can’t believe I’m going to live the dream. And I certainly hope it doesn’t turn out to be a nightmare.

Meanwhile, my parents have been great about it all so far. They were incredibly happy and excited for me when I got the news and they’ve been supportive. Sad, but supportive. I saw a few tears well up here and there, but they celebrated with me and have made it clear that they are very happy for me. I just hope it lasts after the initial excitement wears off. That’s exactly what I need right now: their love and support.

Gosh, I’m in disbelief. I really hope other people get to read this and see that it is possible after all. Like I’ve always said, I have my ups and downs, but it’s still very possible to live the dream. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible. “Borderline”, “depression”, “anorexia”, “anxiety”, and anybody else I’m missing….they’re labels that serve a purpose, but they don’t define you or your future. Soon I’ll be a 100% doctor, but also a full-time patient. Yes, it’s possible.

My mind is all over the place right now. I’m thinking about so many things and still stunned at the same time. I can’t seem to organize anything, not even my posts.

Sorry! I’ll hopefully get back to my (usually) coherent self soon.


Well, I am still in disbelief.

I mean, I matched at my #1 choice. I’m going to live 4 years in the city that I adore doing what I want to do: becoming a psychiatrist. I mean, I’ve been dreaming of this for 7 years.

And to think, this program waitlisted me initially! If I have something to thank the Russian for, it’s his insistence at my emailing the programs during interview season. Had it not been for that, maybe the heart-mindblown program wouldn’t have thought I was that interested and might have thrown my application in the bin.

Is this real life? Is this really happening?? Oh my god…it is.

Yesterday was a great day for me, obviously. But also for my friends, and I am so happy because of that. We all ended up in our top choices. A friend of mine actually matched at the top/brain-mindblown program. It was her #1 choice and I think it’s a good fit for her. We were both so happy and in disbelief. And we both agreed that we hoped this was the right decision for us. So many hugs ensued.

I texted G during the match activity my school had. She was so proud of me. I told her I couldn’t have done it without her and obviously she said I did all the work and she was just there to give me a little push. Then she said I’ll have new challenges in this new life I’ll be having, and I can’t let the past ruin the present…to push all those negative thoughts aside. I felt a little tear welling up.

Then later in the day R called me after I texted her. She was also so proud of me, of course.

And guess who made a reappearance? The Russian. I’m guessing he saw my facebook posts announcing I matched and he texted me “congrats!”. I considered not answering, but decided to just say “thank you” as I like to think of myself as a decent human being. Then he texted “you’re going to live in (the city that I adore)!”. That I did not answer. I’ll acknowledge his congratulating me but that’s where I draw the line. Hopefully my silence came across as a big “thank you, but fuck you”.

I celebrated by going to dinner with my parents at a fancy restaurant. Unfortunately it ended in a not so pretty way, with me purging at home as soon as we got back. Then I went out with friends for a while, but I was so exhausted by that time that I just wanted to go to sleep and celebrate alone. The introvert in me was drained.

Then today all the happiness kind of went to hell. It wasn’t a great day and I’m pretty sure it had to do with my not sleeping well in spite of having matched. I’m just so used to the stress by now. Ugh. My brain and body still can’t believe it’s fucking finally over.

I purged a little while ago too. Not good. I tried to avoid it but the nausea and fatness was too much. And I think I had a small binge before purging? Lately I’ve been suspecting that I might not have severe binges but do have milder versions of it. Double ugh.

Now that I think of it, this post pretty much captures what I’m feeling: all over the place. I’m happy, I’m nervous, I’m worried, I’m stressed, I’m in shock….but I’m also still struggling food-wise…and I’ll always have to fight off the depression demons on a daily basis.

I guess I’m just content with having matched. I’ll focus on the happy for now.




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