This week’s goal…

…is to not purge. 

As it is with every week. 

I purged almost every day for the month of December. And then I traveled with the Russian for New Year’s weekend and decided “no more” after having an almost purge-free weekend. I can’t deal with this. I don’t want to. 

The most I’ve been purge free for now is a few days, still not a full week. I didn’t purge today. That’s 24 hours purge-free. Small triumphs. We’ll see what happens the rest of the week. Unfortunately, I’m not very hopeful. 

I don’t want to be eating disordered. And I *know* the only thing keeping me from fully recovering is not dealing with the fear of being fat. Because I don’t want to be fat. Get it? The nonsense somehow makes sense. 

I keep running away from it, but I know that’s what I have to work on if I want full recovery. 

But it’s terrifying, honestly. 

In the meantime, I’ll settle for being just mildly eating disordered. 

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