I know I’ve been terrible. A months long absence. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?
This place feels almost foreign to me. Even the name. “Borderline Med”?
But then I ended up cutting my wrist in a 20mg Ambien-induced state after becoming devastated this past Sunday night and I realized more than ever that the struggle will always be there and I will always have to keep fighting this crap. “This crap” right now mainly being the eating disorder. I hadn’t cut in more than a year I think, wtf.
My mood is fine. Although last week was effed up and it was a wake up call. I have to take care of myself. Which is why this week was better, putting more effort into putting myself back on track.
I’m halfway done with intern year, first year, of residency. That’s pretty insane. But I feel pretty lost and still can’t find my footing in this place, much less this world. I’m in a rut. And it’s my fault. I’ve let myself go.
But mainly I just wanted to update you and ask: if I come back, can we start over?
I’m gonna try my best. I promise.