Fat. Fucking FAT.

I’m fucking fat and disgusting. That’s what I am. I’m a disgrace. I can’t stop eating. Food every-fucking-where. I’ve purged five times during my vacations so far. I feel disgustingly, sickeningly, and horribly full right now.

Meanwhile, my friend barely eats, gets full with only a few bites, her cheeks are sunken, and you can see her bones. I’m a fat failure, piece of shit trash, who can’t snag a decent man in her life and never will. My face is looking absolutely horrible again and I’m fat. So fat I can feel it on me and in me, in my throat, in my stomach, in my body and everywhere.

My stomach isn’t flat anymore. I usually lose weight when away from home but this time around it’s been the exact opposite and I can feel it. I have this incredible urge to purge right now but I can’t because I can’t get a third ear infection, much less away from home.

What’s worse? I can’t restrict because my friend will start suspecting weird shit going on with me. Or maybe I could? She probably wouldn’t say much. I’ll give it a try. I just know I can’t continue eating.

I recently discovered that if I put in enough effort into keeping my eyes open while purging I don’t get petechiae on them. It’s disgusting though. Who likes to look at vomit? It’s like the eating disorder is telling me: Haha, you’re disgusting and fat, and the trade-off for not getting fatter is having to look at your own fucking vomit…a tangible demonstration of what a cesspool you are.

I’m a cesspool, yes.

Advertisements
11 comments
  1. Abby said:

    I know how you feel and I’m so sorry you’re feeling down. I have binging issues that turn into involuntary next-day purging, because my stomach has like a weird delayed response rejection system after so many years of overeating. When I have an episode, I feel a lot of shame. But you’re not disgusting or a cesspool or any of that. You’re a beautiful person (which doesn’t change based on what the scale says) who is experiencing pain, and you’re using a coping mechanism that just happens to no longer serve you as fully as it once may have. And those coping mechanisms can be a real bitch to handle… But you are YOU, not your symptoms. You have a lot going on right now, it totally makes sense for you to be really stressed. And everyone loves to eat a lot on vacation so it makes it harder.

    Maybe next time you eat, check in with yourself about how you’re feeling. Do you feel happy, sad, hungry, lonely, hopeful, ashamed? Maybe you feel a lot of things at once. Whatever you feel, try to accept that it’s okay to feel that way, that your feelings are justified. There’s nothing wrong with you or how you feel, even if it feels reallyyyy horrible and shitty. Keep in mind that some of your feelings are ‘your feelings’, and some of those are symptoms. Try to really savor the bites and to eat mindfully. Think about the taste, smell, texture, restaurant ambience, conversation, how the other people around you are dressed, etc. And if you still eat ‘a lot’/past being full, who cares? It’s all about the intention. Also maybe drink lots of water while you eat (I hate water, but it helps give me that full feeling to quiet my empty feelings, at least for some time).

    You’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re strong, you’re aware, and you’re in control, even if you don’t feel it or can’t grasp it right now. Your symptoms will never dictate your worth. Sending you loads of love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Abby, thank you so so so so soooo much for this. You’ve no idea how much it means. I’m sorry I took so long to respond, but I’m finally back. I did, however, read your comment when you posted it, and trust me, it helped so much ❤

      Much love your way. You are also a beautiful human being. And there's more to us than just food and ED 😉

      Like

  2. Shelby's Life with Lyme said:

    I’ve been through this feeling many times. Recovery IS possible – I’m proof and many of my friends are proof – it isn’t easy but it’s so worth it!! Keep fighting, fellow warrior and remember, you are PERFECT just as you are.
    Not just saying that!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Or maybe you are beautiful. I think you are beautiful. Love you no matter and I will always hold space for you in my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is so sweet, you’ve no idea how much it means! Took me by surprise. And YOU are so beautiful yourself. Much love to you ❤

      Like

  4. If it makes you feel any better, I woke up this morning and had an entire jar of nutella…on its own…using a spoon…then had a breakfast of a large piece of chocolate cake with hot chocolate…and it’s not the first time either…I think I may have a problem…(>.

    But seriously, if anyone else were in your position, they probably would have done the same thing. Like Abby says in the comment above, it’s about being mindful of your thoughts and feelings when situations like that happen. You said yourself that you don’t normally do this during the holidays, so by being mindful and observing what happens when you eat, hopefully you’ll figure out a way through this that will give you what you want…whether it’s to keep enjoying food [let’s not forget that being fat is a sign of prosperity and happiness in many parts of the world (^.-) ] or to work your way back to a less fat infested body…without having to ‘purge’ yourself of course, because I agree…vomit really isn’t that nice to look at…even if you try to look at it with an abstract art frame of mind (>.<).

    …and don't forget the drinking water trick…it helps me a lot (^.^).

    Like

    • Hey love, argh, the dreaded Nutella fests. That’s exactly why I don’t buy any although I *love* it.

      And you’re so right. Mindfulness is definitely something I have to practice while eating. I need to work on that. Homework!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: