I’ve continued texting and talking with the Russian from afar. I know, I know, I’m terrible.
We spoke on the phone recently. I asked him to call me so I could clear some stuff up. But the Russian has this goddamn ability to make me laugh even if it’s a serious conversation. And I hate that I like that about him (most of the time). So, sandwiched between stupid little laughs I told him that I was being serious in saying I hadn’t forgiven him, that he had to sort his relationship status on his own first before scrambling to catch me again, that I had no reason to give him a second chance and can find myself whoever I want in the city that I adore….and that I’d like to give him a second chance but he has to do something grand to earn that, that is, if his relevance in my life lasts all the way until I move for residency. But because we were giggling non-stop I had to make sure he was listening and say repeatedly “I’m being serious”.
Anyways…I took a plane to travel a bit, like I said. I know the best I can do is forget about him while I’m traveling (either way, we won’t be able to talk unless there’s wi-fi on my part). But! You know that’s not easy for me! Ugh. He’s managed to worm himself into my head again. I can’t just delete him like that yet again!
And to top it all off, he sent me a funny selfie two days ago. Ugh. I was thankful I didn’t have any recent picture references of how he looks nowadays…until he sent that picture. Now I know he’s still his geeky dorky hot self that I initially fell for. Ugh. Not helping!
I’ve tried re-focusing my thoughts away from him. Whenever I think of him I try to think about my apartment in the city that I adore and how excited I am to make it mine. Also about psychiatry, and residency, and oh-crap-I’m-gonna-be-a-doctor….but mostly about my apartment. Denial? Maybe a little.
Geez. I have to focus on this bit of vacation I have. If the Russian survives past that then that’s something to consider. If not, then I’ll be forced to say so long and goodbye to him.
Edit: I forgot to say….I effed up my no eating disordered behavior streak. Purged two days in a row because I kinda binged a bit. It’s very rare for me to experience loss of control while eating, and while it wasn’t severe I still hated myself for it. Sigh. Getting back up again now…