A few minutes ago I saw a video of a hot model just strutting his stuff (Travis DesLaurier if you’re curious).
Somehow, I went from thinking he was pretty darn hot to getting excited about finding a man in my future who will only have eyes for me and smile when he sees me, the way DesLaurier does in the videos (unf).
I don’t know why that got me so excited. It was a strange feeling. And in part I felt excited because this man that I envisioned was new and unknown to me.
He wasn’t the Russian. I think that’s why I liked it so much. The Russian hasn’t earned a second chance, so whenever I envision myself with him at our current human “relationship” status I feel trapped. But this other dream dude that hopefully exists…he doesn’t make me feel trapped. He makes me feel free. He’s handsome (or at least he is to me), he isn’t afraid of opening up to me, he’s his crazy self, and he loves me and thinks the sun shines out of my ass even when I just woke up and have bad breath.
He could be the Russian (if he earns his second chance), but I currently think that’s highly unlikely. This dream dude is unlike anyone I’ve ever dated. He’s fascinatingly new. Mindblowing.
This is all pretty far away from where I was this morning. I was angry…because I had a dream with the Ex in it. And I was enjoying my time with him. Ugh. I’m sure I’m not the only abuse survivor who’s had these unpleasant dreams.
The worst part was I was happy. And that’s horrible because it messes with my head and what I know to be reality. It makes me think: Did I make it all up? Am I a liar? Am I a lying hypocrite instead of the victim/survivor I’ve been playing out all this time?
It makes me feel disgusting, in summary. It makes me ask the eternal question abuse survivors face: did I actually enjoy being abused?
So, I’m glad I had that ephemeral gust of happiness a few minutes ago. This dream dude doesn’t make me feel disgusting. He knows all about my past and he defends me to no end. Actually, this dream dude makes me forget the dark spots in my past. He makes me feel mine again.
Will it happen? I certainly hope so.