Single since birth

I’m sad. Today.

Why? Because I feel lonely. Love-wise, that is.

I think about my singlehood a lot. Usually it doesn’t bother me much and it’s more of an “oh well, whatever” situation. But every now and then I get a pang of loneliness that ends up in tears and asking myself “why?”.

I cried in the shower a little while ago. It was a bit forced, admittedly. I wanted to cry, because I was feeling incredible amounts of pain and crying makes me feel like I’m doing something about it. Why am I single?, I kept thinking.

I’m not ugly. (Or at least I don’t think I’m ugly 99% of the time, like I used to before.) I’ve got a decent brain between my two ears. I’ve worked hard for my accomplishments. I’m generally nice and sweet, or at least people tell me so. What’s wrong with me, then?

I don’t know. And it pains me to know I’m in my late twenties and I’ve no idea what it feels like to be in a relationship (NO, the Ex doesn’t count).

Where have all the decent and single men gone? Why can I only get the attention and interest of asshats like the Russian? (Yes, I like him, but he’s still an asshat.)

I half-jokingly half-seriously asked my dad where all the decent single men were. He said: “I don’t know. But your time will come.”

Sigh. But how can you be so sure, dad? There’s halfwits on my facebook feed getting married and having kids and I can’t even keep a decent male by my side long enough for me to say “I like you”.

And then I think about the Russian. I don’t know what his intentions are. He’s still got the facebook profile picture of him with the girlfriend he claims isn’t as girlfriend-ish as it seems. I haven’t forgiven him. I’m tempted to say he’s different. But in the back of my mind I know of the collective experience of millions of women before me: no, they’re never different.

Unless they want to, that is.

But nobody wants to be different with me, it seems.

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7 comments
  1. Abby said:

    Your dad is right. You’ll find love when you’re least expecting it, even if it looks a little different than what you had anticipated. I know that’s cliche, but that’s been my experience. You’ve been in a really difficult, busy schooling process for basically your entire life- your real freedom is just starting to open up. You’re a bomb ass babe with a lot of love and success in her life- you WILL find the romantic love you seek. It’s not about “if”, just about “when”. If you focus on all of the love you already have and deserve, from family, friends, your readers, yourself, etc. you’ll radiate that and the right person will come along in time (mama said you can’t hurry love!).

    And take Facebook with a grain of salt- people present the person they want people to think they are, not necessarily who they actually are. I know a lot of people who “found true love” that looked perfect and got married in their 20s, and are now divorced in their 30s and wonder where they went wrong. The pretty pictures aren’t always what they seem.

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    • Thank you so much Abby, I need to be reminded of this all the time. I know I’ve got to focus on myself. Gotta work diligently on actually doing it, though. Thank you thank you, and much love to you ❤

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  2. P+S said:

    Oh lady, I feel for you and your loneliness. It’s so hard to see everyone start to pair off. I definitely think it’s harder to accomplished women to find men these days (something my friends and I talk about a lot ). I promise that it’s NOT you. I read something once that has stuck with me: When you look at the menu, not everyone likes caviar and not everyone likes the lobster. Both things are items of luxury and wonderful things, but still not everyone likes them. Similarly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you! I’m excited for you to go to a new place and have a fresh start – including with men!

    I also agree with the Abby (the comment above) about FB. Completely on point. I also know too many people who got married ~23 and are already divorced.

    In the meantime, you keep being your wonderful self and someone will see you for you and love you for it! (I know, so much easier said than done.)

    HUGS

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    • Hey love, gosh you’re so darn right. And yes, I agree, accomplished women have it pretty hard. I loved your analogy, though. It really puts things into perspective. I certainly hope a few men come around who like lobster and are up for it! Haha! Much love to you too ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Singlehood is lonely but also empowering. We all get lonely, but think of all the things you are able to do without a man. Also , may I remind you… dogs can’t break your heart. Adopt!

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