I hit a wall at full speed

Last night I realized I have about four weeks left here in my hometown (aka: the place I’ve been living in the past 21+ years).

Panic ensued.

Because…I’m moving away from here???

I’ve never known anything else. I mean, yes, I’ve lived in other places for a maximum of 2 months, but there was always a return date scheduled. And now I only have to buy a one-way plane ticket? No return? Nothing? Shit.

I’m not saying I don’t want it. I’m just saying I’m afraid. And I’m so afraid I don’t know what I want right now.

What have I gotten myself into??? Why wasn’t I a good girl and just stayed here to do my residency? Grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side complex, that’s why. That and wanting to do big things with my life…things I can’t do by staying here forever.

My med school BF told me: “About time you panicked. I’m surprised you hadn’t done so already.” I guess it’s good I’m panicking late in the game? Less time to get cold feet? But I know myself too well to know that even if I had only one day to mull it over, I would still get cold feet at some point. It’s a given with me.

So, this is natural, perfectly normal.

But god it feels horrible yikes!

Every time I look at my dogs my heart breaks. I don’t know when I’m going to see them again after June. And my parents? Geez. I’ve never lived without my parents. As much as I might complain about them and they might be downers for my mood, I still love them to infinity.

I’m going to live alone…..a…..l……o…..n…..e………

Double “shit”. No. Triple”shit”.

I mean, like I said, I’ve lived alone before. It always just had an expiration date on it. But now? Now it’s for realsies. Now there’s no turning back. Now it’s…

xlCZcRD.gif

Ok, I’ll stop now. That’s too much pressure. (But it’s the truth! *squeak*)

On a more serious note…I’m afraid for my parents. They’re not getting any younger. And I’m leaving now, just when they’re starting to show a decline in health (specifically my dad). I feel like I’m abandoning them, like the worst daughter ever. I’ve always lived with them and have always had them just…there….with me. And I’m afraid of….you know….leaving, and…stuff….happening to them while I’m gone…

And my dogs…oh my god…how am I going to live without my dogs?! No, seriously, they’ve been key in keeping me away from depression one too many times. I love them to bits.

I’m afraid of falling again into the depression hole. It’s a lot of changes. I’m afraid. Period. I’ve been excited and looking forward to having my new life, but I guess I hadn’t really *really* realized that I’ll be alone and my life and everything I know will be hitting a 180.

Crap. No wonder my face is looking like shit these days.

Advertisements
8 comments
  1. I remember this time in my life. It is hard, but it’ll make you stronger and wiser. Promise. That said, remember that feeling when you’re considering going home during a break. In my “younger” years, I didn’t go home as much as I should have and it’s something I still regret to this day. You can do this!

    Like

  2. Abby said:

    I think it’s interesting that our body often knows what’s going on in our mind before we do. At one point I was about to make a lot of changes at once, and my therapist reminded me that even things we’re happy or excited about can be major stressors. I knew that, but didn’t internalize it. I wasn’t really afraid at all, and ended up not being ready emotionally. You’re fully acknowledging your upcoming challenges, which means you can prepare and be ready when they come up, so you’re already doing the work- nice job! Looking forward to hearing how things are going in your next post.

    Like

    • Aww thank you Abby! And yes, it’s crazy how our bodies just *know*. I bet it’s not a coincidence I’m not feeling as stressed anymore and my face has cleared up. And I certainly hope I’m ready for this. If not, then I’ll work on it and make it through 🙂

      Like

  3. NewMedStudent said:

    Hi there. I found your blog after googling “feeling guilty for leaving parents and dog behind for med school”. I am moving for med school in 7 days and I am feeling VERY guilty. I’m going to be far away from the ones I love most and I am terrified. I know time is precious and I can’t help but second guess if med school is a good idea. But I also know I will regret it if I atleast don’t give it a try. I’m going to miss my family and dog a lot and I am having panic attacks left and right. I’m going through a bunch of emotions right now and I honestly don’t know who to turn to. I don’t want my parents to know how I feel because they are very excited for me

    I know how short life is and I want to be able to spend most of my time with my family. But I also know I have to live my own life. I don’t even know what I’m trying to get at.

    Like

    • Hey there, I totally get you. It’s absolutely bittersweet and terrifying. But, like you said, we won’t be able to forgive ourselves in the future if we don’t do this. So, focus on that and keep going. I like to tell myself “do it afraid”.

      I know the first months will be the most difficult by far, but once we settle down and make new relationships and friends things will get better. If you ever need some support you can email me, borderlinemed(at)gmail(dot)com. I know it’s not much, but I do want to let you know that you are not alone. I’m glad my little blog helped you.

      Like

  4. Ditto to the above responses. I too remember leaving. I spent some time at The University of Hawaii training dolphins. I wanted to be a marine biologist, I was incredibly happy and it was what I was meant to do…but this terrible fear. I left my mom and I was alone. I wish I knew then what I know now, but of course I didn’t and I came home and got sick. And sicker in my mind. I suppose it worked out because at some point I got better and got my Master’s degree and a different kind of great job. I got married and had kids. But when my mom died a few months ago, do you remember my response? I sobbed like a 5 year old that I killed her. Because I couldn’t keep her happy and be with her and care for her and provide entertainment and love…without love we cannot survive, right? I abandoned her by having my own life without her in it.
    Somewhere there is a moral here. I wish my T could share her words. Something about children not being responsible for their parents. That when children are born it is the job of the parent to begin to prepare them for freedom and individuation. Possibly how our dysfunction began–that we feel so responsible for our parents or the need to be taken care of. Such fear of our own freedom and talents. That being said, YES, would be a bit apprehensive and anxious about beginning a new life. So take your anxiety and break free. Believe in your worth and fly. Take your insights to therapy and work through your fears. The only out is through. Love you

    Like

    • Hey love. I didn’t know that about you, that’s amazing 😀 I’m absolutely shocked (in a good way) of just how much you’ve progressed. I’ll never get tired of saying it. I’m so ridiculously proud of you.

      You know, getting around the thought of “parents are responsible for children” was something that was hard to grasp for me in therapy at first…and it still is sometimes. I guess because for some reason I confused love with providing happiness for them, when it’s really supposed to be the other way around. How I learned to think and behave that way is beyond me, probably ingrained somewhere deep in my childhood.

      But I’m glad both of us have come to realize there’s more to life than that. Sometimes we don’t get it right the first time around but that doesn’t mean we can’t get it right the second time 😉 So afraid of living my own life, but I know I won’t forgive myself if I don’t do it.

      Take care ❤

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: