Gosh, all that residency paperwork got me going crazy. Didn’t mean to take a week off of posting there. Finally I have a decent break to write.
Well, I’m back home. That in and of itself helped a bunch in feeling better. It hurt to be in the same city as the most recent dude and not hear a word from him (I’ll call him Platonic dude from now on). So near yet so far, you know? But at home that’s the least of my worries since he’s far away and I can’t control that.
And so, I’ve kept myself busy by filling out paper after paper having to do with residency. I’ve also been busy apartment hunting from afar, although I wouldn’t exactly call it hunting since I’m so ridiculously easy to please and my only must-have requirements are appliances and good location. I already submitted my papers for a (really) teeny tiny apartment in exactly the place I want to live. I’ll be paying a shitload, but the city that I adore ain’t cheap and the apartment is EXACTLY where I want to live. Also, since my moods are very easily influenced by my environment that’s something I’m not willing to compromise in. All that’s left is receiving that “yay” or “nay” from the landlord. We’ll see.
Meanwhile, when it comes to food the past two weeks have been a crazy rollercoaster. I recently had an ear infection after a few days of back-to-back purging. I didn’t think much of it when it happened and I stopped purging for some days. But this past week I started purging again and now my other ear is infected. Odd, right?
However, I haven’t found any information on external ear infections and purging, only middle ear infections and vomiting (in toddlers). Either way, I don’t think it’s a coincidence. If there’s something eating disordered behaviors have taught me so far it’s that you always think what you’re doing to yourself isn’t “severe enough”. But oh how wrong we are…even the tiniest bit of purging or restricting wreaks havoc on our bodies. During the worst of my restricting in 2014 I had a kidney stone, then constipation and gastroparesis. Now that I’ve added purging to my behaviors both of my ears get infected out of the blue. Why else would an otherwise healthy twenty something female like myself have that happen to her?
Thankfully, I haven’t purged in 5 days. As soon as I started feeling the ear pain I’ve been more cautious of not reaching that point of no return where I feel full and want to purge. I’m not restricting, except maybe mildly. I’ve also been trying to be kind to myself and not body check as much. Also been keeping myself distracted. Trying to feel the love. Big things are a-coming in my life now.
I hope I’ll keep it up for as long as I can. I won’t count the days, though, that just makes me feel pressured.
Another thing that’s been helping is that I’ve kept my mind off men this week. I have to focus on me now and I know it. Plus, I have no prospects to look forward to here and I’m not remotely interested.
I spoke to Platonic dude the other day. I randomly texted him just to break the ice and make sure we’re on good terms, which we are. He confessed he was afraid of texting me in the aftermath and wanted to give me my space. I thanked him for being upfront about his feelings (or non-feelings) toward me. Also told him he’ll be my forever crush but I understand if he doesn’t feel we’re a match. It happens. He ended the conversation with “talk later”. But no, we haven’t. And we won’t. And I’m ok with that. It’s what I need.
I’m sure everyone who’s dated can relate to this, but it’s funny how after something doesn’t work out between you and someone you start noticing the itty bitty things that didn’t make you a good match. Platonic dude and I might seem like an incredibly amazing match on the surface, but it’s only after removing my head from the sand (or from somewhere else…) that I’ve accepted he’s right. It’s…details. Just details. Itty bitty details that make you go “crap, this won’t work”.
And the funny part? My gut felt this on the first date. I guess I let my brain get too much into it with time. That friggin’ gut feeling is always right.
I hope the gut is also right about the heart-mindblown program.
Yes. Yes it is. Let’s stay positive. It’s all a matter of how you see things.