Why anorexia?

When you’re hungry but you feel emotionally miserable so you decide to restrict/starve because you don’t want to keep feeding the monster (yourself).

That’s my current state.

It’s a mix of feeling great because I’m finally fucking restricting without my parents breathing down my neck, but at the same time feeling like shit because hunger sucks. But honestly, I prefer to starve myself than not doing it and then feeling sad AND fat.

It feels wonderful to starve while miserable. You know why? Because at least I’m getting skinny while miserable. (Yes, I’m fully aware of how horrible that sounds.) I don’t think my piece of shit body and the shit person that I am deserve the goodness of NOT feeling hunger.

To me, feeling hungry means emptiness. But a good emptiness. Empty of life, of soul, of anything that causes pain….I can focus solely on my hunger and how far I can take it, while ignoring the problems and fears in my life (solitude, changes, heartbreak, etc).

I’m always starving for something. Food, companionship, love….there’s always something. And right now I feel I deserve none of it.

Because this guy “dumped” me I now feel obviously very sad, but in addition I feel absolutely despicable, laughable, pathetic, and beyond disgusting. As a result, I don’t want anyone to pick and prod at me, not even myself. I want the disgust that is me to cease existing. And what better way to cease existing than becoming smaller as the seconds pass by and having your body slowly involuting while feeding off itself?

Somewhere in that argument there’s a big, gaping hole. I know it. But I can’t pinpoint it right now and I don’t really care either. I just want to be as cruel to myself as possible…because this guy “dumped” me, because I can’t hold down a romantic interest, because I’m fugly as shit…

I’m trying to explain something that doesn’t make any sense. Bummer. I’ll get back to it later.

In the meantime, I’ll just go to sleep….starving.

  1. inkbiotic said:

    I appreciate that this is you venting on your blog, and that’s something you have every right to do.

    BUT, there is so much self hate in this blog and by writing this down, you are saying all these awful things to yourself, that is why you continue to feel terrible.

    Instead of saying you only deserve awful things, you’re ugly, please can you try being a little sweeter to yourself? You’re clearly intelligent, talented and strong willed (you maybe many other good things too).

    I’ve been down this road of self hate, and I know so much of it comes from the things we say to ourselves – usually things that other people have said to us first, but so what? Those people don’t matter, what matters is how you treat yourself. If you want to be spectacular, brilliant, beautiful, you have to get out of the exhausting pit of self hate, and the easiest way to do that is defy all the nasty shit that has come your way and start telling yourself (even if you don’t believe it right now) that you are great. THAT is what you deserve.
    Please try.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey love,

      Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Yeah, I know this post was the third part of a self-hate party. I’m feeling much better now. Thank you for your advice, I really appreciated it. I will admit, it was annoying to read at first, but that’s because my “self-hate mind” doesn’t want to listen, but my rational mind knows you’re absolutely right. So thank you. I try to post lighter things sometimes, but I was really feeling crappy/terrible when I posted this. A few days have passed since this post and I’m feeling better, thankfully. On my way to update now 😉

      Take care!

      Liked by 1 person

      • inkbiotic said:

        Hello! I’m really glad to hear that you’re in a happier place. After I posted I felt like a real git because I know that when you feel like that the last thing you want to hear is some stranger lecturing you! But you must have great strength of character to be able to hear I was trying to help and it’s great that you’ve come out the other side. Wishing you continued happiness and peace. I look forward to reading more of your posts. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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