Adulting

It’s been quite a day. I’ve been locked up in the hotel room, heartbroken and feeling overwhelmed over having to move to the city that I adore in June.

It probably wasn’t a good idea to browse studio apartments and try to figure out a first month and moving budget in my current emotional state. But whatever, at least I did something productive in spite of the shit.

I feel overwhelmed now. I got so stressed I’m nauseous. I confess: I’ve never adulted in such a way. I don’t know how to adult. Really, no one probably knows how to. But I literally have no clue. I mean, I just barely get by and pretend to know what I’m doing, then freak out when I realize I don’t. Is that adulting?

How am I supposed to figure out a budget when I’ve never lived alone or earned a respectable amount of money (aka: more than zero dollars)? How am I supposed to apartment hunt when I live so far away from the city that I adore and will probably have to choose blindly? How am I supposed to relocate and pay off so much shit, including student loans, if half of my salary will end up going into rent expenses? How am I supposed to do anything when everything costs money and I really don’t have much of that?

Is there anyone out there I can ask these stupid and embarrassing questions? Nobody taught me this shit. Is there like some Adulting Advisor out there who won’t snort and laugh when I say I haven’t ever paid taxes and I’m in my late 20’s? If so, let me know.

Either way, I tried to figure stuff out. It seems I have just enough to travel a wee bit before I become a slave doctor, make the big move, and live in the city that I adore for a month while I get my first check before I max out my savings account. I could also take out a small loan for relocation and my parents are willing to help during that first month, but really I’d like to avoid that. I already have some debt from student loans and I really don’t want to continue living off my parents. Makes me feel like a leech. And to think, I actually have it easy in that department.

I don’t know. I just feel a bit miserable because the excitement has suddenly died out. The last time I saw a patient was back in October and I feel stupid and useless. I forgot why I wanted to be a doctor, let alone a psychiatrist. Rationally, I know big changes are around the bend, but my heart is still sitting on its comfy ass at home.

And on top of that I’m heartbroken now. I hate everything today. And I feel so crappy I’m even regretting having decided to travel now and in May. I should have saved up my money for future rent and adult crap like that.

But then, they always say it can’t be all work and no play. Why do I feel so guilty for treating myself?

Oh wait, because treating myself totally backfired and now I’m heartbroken and completely alone in a place far away from home. I could be one of those badass women who says another one bites the dust, fuck it then, I’ll just enjoy the city on my own.

But no. I’m pathetic and I isolate in a hotel room instead.

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7 comments
  1. Bradley said:

    I wish there were more that I could say or do other than tell you I’m sorry

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ok bite size pieces booboo!! One, apartment hunting. Go on your Match site and see if there are any listings for roommates needed. All colleges have them!!! Especially for residency. Then you get an idea of where they are living. That gives you a clue of time frame from campus as well as neighborhoods etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Cassie,
      Gosh you’re so sweet! You’ve no idea how much all the support means to me. I’m feeling much better right now because I got a few things done. Apartment hunting was one of them although I still don’t have a place for sure. On my way to update now πŸ˜‰ Take care!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Got your back sister!! Like I’ve said before, I’ve seen many go through this and I have not personally experienced it but almost did when I was trying to move for nursing positions and it’s the same advice that was given to me by my amazing resis. In the world of medicine I feel like they are dog eat dog. I’m trying to change that because I DESPISE it. So if I can help just one person, I’ve done my feed ☺️

        Like

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