Now what?

Well, I am still in disbelief.

I mean, I matched at my #1 choice. I’m going to live 4 years in the city that I adore doing what I want to do: becoming a psychiatrist. I mean, I’ve been dreaming of this for 7 years.

And to think, this program waitlisted me initially! If I have something to thank the Russian for, it’s his insistence at my emailing the programs during interview season. Had it not been for that, maybe the heart-mindblown program wouldn’t have thought I was that interested and might have thrown my application in the bin.

Is this real life? Is this really happening?? Oh my god…it is.

Yesterday was a great day for me, obviously. But also for my friends, and I am so happy because of that. We all ended up in our top choices. A friend of mine actually matched at the top/brain-mindblown program. It was her #1 choice and I think it’s a good fit for her. We were both so happy and in disbelief. And we both agreed that we hoped this was the right decision for us. So many hugs ensued.

I texted G during the match activity my school had. She was so proud of me. I told her I couldn’t have done it without her and obviously she said I did all the work and she was just there to give me a little push. Then she said I’ll have new challenges in this new life I’ll be having, and I can’t let the past ruin the present…to push all those negative thoughts aside. I felt a little tear welling up.

Then later in the day R called me after I texted her. She was also so proud of me, of course.

And guess who made a reappearance? The Russian. I’m guessing he saw my facebook posts announcing I matched and he texted me “congrats!”. I considered not answering, but decided to just say “thank you” as I like to think of myself as a decent human being. Then he texted “you’re going to live in (the city that I adore)!”. That I did not answer. I’ll acknowledge his congratulating me but that’s where I draw the line. Hopefully my silence came across as a big “thank you, but fuck you”.

I celebrated by going to dinner with my parents at a fancy restaurant. Unfortunately it ended in a not so pretty way, with me purging at home as soon as we got back. Then I went out with friends for a while, but I was so exhausted by that time that I just wanted to go to sleep and celebrate alone. The introvert in me was drained.

Then today all the happiness kind of went to hell. It wasn’t a great day and I’m pretty sure it had to do with my not sleeping well in spite of having matched. I’m just so used to the stress by now. Ugh. My brain and body still can’t believe it’s fucking finally over.

I purged a little while ago too. Not good. I tried to avoid it but the nausea and fatness was too much. And I think I had a small binge before purging? Lately I’ve been suspecting that I might not have severe binges but do have milder versions of it. Double ugh.

Now that I think of it, this post pretty much captures what I’m feeling: all over the place. I’m happy, I’m nervous, I’m worried, I’m stressed, I’m in shock….but I’m also still struggling food-wise…and I’ll always have to fight off the depression demons on a daily basis.

I guess I’m just content with having matched. I’ll focus on the happy for now.



  1. Now what? You start living life and freeing yourself from ED hell!! My T just shared with me that the answers will come from my heart not my head. You know this as well. Follow your heart 💜💜💜 love you and so stinking proud of you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh yes, your therapist is oh so right. Gotta keep following those little hearts of ours, then 🙂 Thank you for the support, and I love you and am stinking proud of you too hun!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so happy to hear this!!! You’re definitely an inspiration! Even with all the hardships you’ve experienced, you’ve managed to fulfill your dream of finally becoming a physician at a program you wanted! It’s real awesome to hear that, and I’m looking forward to hearing about your experiences as a full-fledged physician! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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