Eff this. Eff that.

In a few hours I’ll receive that email that states whether I matched or not.

And I feel like shit.

Thing is, it’s not exactly because of the Match that I feel this way. I guess it’s just been an all-over shitty day and it knocked the wind out of me. I’m actually kind of oblivious to the Match right now…I’m surprisingly confident (and a little bit arrogant) and whether I matched or not is the least of my worries. I’m pretty sure I matched.

I feel like shit because I let my parents’ feelings get to me.

My mom said to me yesterday: “You’re leaving and I’ll be left here, alone.” When I asked her if she was trying to guilt-trip me she actually answered yes.

Then yesterday I told my dad I’ll be traveling with a friend for a week, just to enjoy my time off, you know? He didn’t like it. His response was an incredulous: “So you’re going to (incredibly famous city) and then what?!” Later in the night he said: “You don’t love me anymore.” Apparently because I don’t accept his affection….but I know it was because I won’t be spending that week here at home.

I’m also traveling in May with another friend. So that doesn’t help either.

Why am I made to feel like shit when all I want is to enjoy my life, grow up, and make a respectable career for myself? Sure, sure, “the empty nest” and whatnot…but really, is this normal? Do other people’s parents make them feel like the worst offspring ever when they go through this?

I mean, really…I’m even afraid of telling my parents tomorrow whether I matched or not because that means I’m leaving far away from home. All the places I ranked are far away, so if I matched it means I’ll be gone come June/July.

Then on top of that my issues with relationships/men. I’m feeling pathetic right now. I feel no man will ever love me, because I’m simply not the type of woman men fall in love with. Plus, I feel ugly and horribly fat. I purged twice today. Honestly, will anyone ever give me a fucking chance??

Everything blows.

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2 comments
  1. My parents tell me to gtfo and yet they can’t live without me and guilt me to stay home all the time too. So I get it. I really do.

    Do you!!

    And when you move, that’s when you’ll find a man. What’s the point of finding someone now when you’re just gonna move anyways? I believe in fate and its fate that you’ll find someone at your next place. He’s waiting for you there. No point here since it would just end. :]

    Like

    • Hey Cassie,
      You’re so right. It’s not worth it looking for a man here at home. Don’t know what got into me for a second there. And parents….so many mixed messages, right? Especially when they don’t know how to deal with their own emotions. They’ve been great about my matching this week, though. I’ll post about that later. I just hope it doesn’t fizz away.

      Liked by 1 person

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