Hung up on an asshole

I feel shitty. I’ve spent the whole day sort of restricting and….thinking about the Russian.

No, I’m not over him. Yes, I am pathetic.

It’s taking me so ridiculously long to get over this guy. I still can’t believe it. I guess that’s what not having closure does to you.

Earlier today I was thinking about this guy I like and have sort of been talking to (there went my promise to put men on hold…). Suddenly, I found myself thinking about the Russian out of the blue. And I just started crying. (There’s more to the story but I don’t know how personal and graphic I want this post to be.) That resulted in my spiraling down to the low point of facebook stalking him and his girlfriend, then comparing myself to his girlfriend, then arriving at the same dead end I always do: why her and not me?

Gosh I feel ridiculous admitting to these comparisons. I feel ridiculous about being so hung up on an asshole. But I am. It doesn’t help that two nights ago I dreamed he texted me. I don’t remember what he said, but the point is he reached out.

And you know what’s worse? That I wish it were true.

Every time a friend messages me on facebook my phone has a quicker vibrating pattern than normal text messages. And even if I don’t have the phone in my hand, even by just hearing the vibration pattern, I know it’s a facebook message. Every time that happens I have a small heart attack….because I always wish it were him.

Then I go through the panic of thinking What if it really is him?, then I mentally slap myself across the face and think Nah, that’s just your friend X messaging. And then I go back to But what if…..? and then again it’s For crying out loud, it’s been at least 3 months by now, get over it. Finally, when I pick up the phone, the smallest, but still very perceivable amount of frustration rains over me….because it wasn’t him.

To be honest, if he did come back and gave me space to talk to him, my first question would be Why didn’t you say goodbye? Sure, I could ask Why not me?, and I certainly would, but it’s not my job to force other people to like me. More important than that is why he didn’t think I was worth saying goodbye. Why did you just disappear instead of giving me closure?

I try to hate him. I genuinely do. I think of the things that made us incompatible, of the one time he made me feel absolutely tiny, of his dirty apartment that grossed me out, of his tone of voice that sometimes pissed me off, of the day we went shopping for a jacket and I told him he looked “fuckable” in the one he bought and seemed to like but then spent the whole day trying to replace it with another one (after telling me we were going to go boot-shopping for me)….

But then I think of his fucking smile that melted every bad thing away, of the things we did have in common, the uncanny coincidences in life experiences and details, one memorable date we had where we sat under the stars and talked about Interstellar, the stupid little emojis he would randomly text me, how genuinely excited he seemed when we planned my visiting him come the end of October, the time he unexpectedly and very softly kissed my neck while I was talking with my mom on the phone…

Then I think For chrissakes girl, get over it! You met by way of Tinder! He swiped right on your face! Not on your personality!

But then I think of when I asked him if he considered us to be “dating” and he answered “yes”.

And then I think of when I tried to be affectionate with him and he would brush me off.

And then of this one time he took me atop a skyscraper to look down at the city that I adore.

…And then I think of his girlfriend.

She’s ugly, or at least not as pretty as me. She seems like everything I’m not: hailing from a conservative family, an All-American Sweetheart, pretty blue eyes, probably not a freak like myself, wants to get married, dreams about having a big mansion, goes to a reputable med school, a student leader….

The only thing her and I seem to have in common is having studied medicine.

But the truth is, I don’t know her. I’m passing judgement here. I just know him. And he….has made me feel like utter shit. He…made me feel like I’m not even worth a goodbye, much less an apology.

Why, then, can I not forget him?

 

 

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12 comments
  1. There are a few advantages to aging… 1) More self-confidence. I think it comes from scraping yourself off of sticky situations you never thought possible and surviving various levels of increasing “hell”. 2) You don’t give a crap what other people think about you (to varying degrees) because you have “other fish to fry” now and 3) after falling hard for a man/woman and failing, you develop some protective mechanism that leads less to falling for guys who are either not a right match, unavailable, or who treat you like crap.

    Well, from my experience anyway! (full disclosure: I am in my late thirties…)

    I know it’s hard… I remember the times… Hugs!! xoxo

    Like

      • It’s actually funny how it happens. You kinda wake up one day and realize you deserve better and you don’t accept any less. Hindsight is 20/20 of course, so now that you know in advance, you can start NOW! Be more selfish, expect better. That guy doesn’t deserve you one bit.

        Liked by 1 person

      • PS: I want to add… My husband said to me once… “You make me feel good about myself”. I always remembered that. And when we went through tough times in our relationship, I thought about that and asked myself if I was doing anything to make him feel bad about himself (could be words, tone of voice, actions…) and I became more aware of that. I think it’s one of the main things that draws people to each other (intimate relationship or friendship). If someone always makes you feel like shit… there are 2 choices: you talk about it if you’re in a committed relationship (work or personal) and if you’re not, you RUN AWAY!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Claire said:

    It’s hard enough to move on from someone you love, but when you’re borderline it’s almost impossible at times. I’ve been with my husband now for nearly three years, married for four months and yet I still think back to the guy I was involved with before him. He was an addiction, I was addicted to the feeling I had when I was with him. He ditched me and I had to go cold turkey from him – which was agony.

    We tried to be friends afterwards but he was never into it. He let me down for the last time just before my wedding and that was that. He cut me off and I did the same. And yet, I still have so many questions. Did you ever love me? Was I just a distraction? Did you only move on with your girlfriend because I’d moved on? Why tell me you still held a torch for me when you knew I was with someone else? Did it hurt you to be away from me like it hurt me to be away from you? Why did you lie?

    …it’s a mindfuck, and I understand it. xx

    Like

    • Hi Claire,

      Oh I have those very same questions for the Russian. It’s terrible, isn’t it? Having to juggle BPD and relationships truly sucks. Granted, I do not meet the criteria anymore, but the traits I still carry along make their full appearance when dealing with relationships and dating. It seriously sucks. Yes, “mindfuck” is exactly the word I would use to describe it.

      Take care!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Claire said:

        I think, although you don’t meet the criteria these days, it’s really hard to shake those thought patterns and behaviours. It’s not an easy thing to unlearn! Take care of yourself too friend x

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh definitely! I still have my moments. Sometimes frequent, other times less so. My last post is an example.
        xx

        Liked by 1 person

  3. K said:

    Hi Love! NOW I can write a comment… I don’t know what happened the other day! Did you get my email though? Literally every single sentiment you mention here, I have felt for other assholes. It’s so painful, so consuming… We are seriously 2 screwed up peas in a pod πŸ™‚

    xoxo,
    K

    Like

    • Hey K, omg the 2 screwed up peas in a pod part made me crack up. You’re so right. And yes! I got your email. I’ve been kinda lazy, but rest assured I received and read it πŸ˜‰ Thanks for letting me know about the comments, btw, turns out I’d accidentally turned them off! Will answer your email soon πŸ˜‰

      Like

  4. revengestar said:

    you can google trauma bond or betrayal bond. I think it will help.

    Like

    • Hey there! It’s all so complicated right? However, The Russian definitely wasn’t traumatic for me. Painful, yes. But not traumatic. That label I reserve for The Ex. Ugh. Will read up on that, thanks for the suggestion πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

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