I feel shitty. I’ve spent the whole day sort of restricting and….thinking about the Russian.
No, I’m not over him. Yes, I am pathetic.
It’s taking me so ridiculously long to get over this guy. I still can’t believe it. I guess that’s what not having closure does to you.
Earlier today I was thinking about this guy I like and have sort of been talking to (there went my promise to put men on hold…). Suddenly, I found myself thinking about the Russian out of the blue. And I just started crying. (There’s more to the story but I don’t know how personal and graphic I want this post to be.) That resulted in my spiraling down to the low point of facebook stalking him and his girlfriend, then comparing myself to his girlfriend, then arriving at the same dead end I always do: why her and not me?
Gosh I feel ridiculous admitting to these comparisons. I feel ridiculous about being so hung up on an asshole. But I am. It doesn’t help that two nights ago I dreamed he texted me. I don’t remember what he said, but the point is he reached out.
And you know what’s worse? That I wish it were true.
Every time a friend messages me on facebook my phone has a quicker vibrating pattern than normal text messages. And even if I don’t have the phone in my hand, even by just hearing the vibration pattern, I know it’s a facebook message. Every time that happens I have a small heart attack….because I always wish it were him.
Then I go through the panic of thinking What if it really is him?, then I mentally slap myself across the face and think Nah, that’s just your friend X messaging. And then I go back to But what if…..? and then again it’s For crying out loud, it’s been at least 3 months by now, get over it. Finally, when I pick up the phone, the smallest, but still very perceivable amount of frustration rains over me….because it wasn’t him.
To be honest, if he did come back and gave me space to talk to him, my first question would be Why didn’t you say goodbye? Sure, I could ask Why not me?, and I certainly would, but it’s not my job to force other people to like me. More important than that is why he didn’t think I was worth saying goodbye. Why did you just disappear instead of giving me closure?
I try to hate him. I genuinely do. I think of the things that made us incompatible, of the one time he made me feel absolutely tiny, of his dirty apartment that grossed me out, of his tone of voice that sometimes pissed me off, of the day we went shopping for a jacket and I told him he looked “fuckable” in the one he bought and seemed to like but then spent the whole day trying to replace it with another one (after telling me we were going to go boot-shopping for me)….
But then I think of his fucking smile that melted every bad thing away, of the things we did have in common, the uncanny coincidences in life experiences and details, one memorable date we had where we sat under the stars and talked about Interstellar, the stupid little emojis he would randomly text me, how genuinely excited he seemed when we planned my visiting him come the end of October, the time he unexpectedly and very softly kissed my neck while I was talking with my mom on the phone…
Then I think For chrissakes girl, get over it! You met by way of Tinder! He swiped right on your face! Not on your personality!
But then I think of when I asked him if he considered us to be “dating” and he answered “yes”.
And then I think of when I tried to be affectionate with him and he would brush me off.
And then of this one time he took me atop a skyscraper to look down at the city that I adore.
…And then I think of his girlfriend.
She’s ugly, or at least not as pretty as me. She seems like everything I’m not: hailing from a conservative family, an All-American Sweetheart, pretty blue eyes, probably not a freak like myself, wants to get married, dreams about having a big mansion, goes to a reputable med school, a student leader….
The only thing her and I seem to have in common is having studied medicine.
But the truth is, I don’t know her. I’m passing judgement here. I just know him. And he….has made me feel like utter shit. He…made me feel like I’m not even worth a goodbye, much less an apology.
Why, then, can I not forget him?