Well, I passed Step 2 CS…. Now what?
Off to do my Rank Order List, of course! (Or ROL, for short).
Did that sound like it’s exciting? Because it’s anything but. I tried to do it two days ago and it got me riding the haterade so much that I ended up taking a nap on the floor of my room after rant-texting. Then today I gave it another shot, and so far so good.
Granted, there is this teeny little detail that has helped me feel more focused on the goal at hand: mildly restricting.
Yes, strangely enough, not eating much today has helped me focus on the goals at hand: residency, and losing weight. And yet, I just had a snack and feel like a fat failure again.
I can tell I’ve gained a bit of weight (and by a bit I mean about 5lbs). And that’s really bugging me lately. It’s made the eating disordered voice speak louder. I’ve tried to restrict like I used to, focus on losing weight like before, but for some reason it’s gotten more difficult. Between my parents paying attention to everything I eat and my own inability to restrict like I used to, I just feel like a fat loser.
The last time I lost a drastic amount of weight was in 2014, around the time of my hospitalization and the kidney stone I had. I’m so frustrated that I’m even wishing I would get physically sick again just so I can jump-start my weight loss.
You know something that excites me a little too much about matching for residency? The way I’ll be able to control my food and just do whatever the hell I want, whether it be eating or not eating, simply because I’ll be living alone and controlling my own fucking expenses. Living with my parents messes up my eating habits. I end up overeating so they won’t suspect I have eating disordered tendencies. And you know what overeating results in, right? Purging. (Which I did yesterday, by the way. Thanks for nothing, Superbowl.)
Right now I’m at a place where I’m still listening to the healthy voice that says: Don’t restrict, don’t do that to yourself. I think back to the excruciating pain of gastroparesis that had me crying alone in bed one night in 2014 and I don’t want to go back to that.
And yet, the voice that says Do it, you’re fucking fat, your ass and thighs are huge and it’s only gonna get worse, keeps getting stronger each day.