I saw G this past week. It went great. Hadn’t seen her in quite a while.
She was happy to see me in such a good mood and said that I seem to be doing great. She said she was proud of me. I love making her and R proud 🙂
Mostly we talked about men. About the Russian and C. She told me that she thinks I am moving too quickly once I meet a new guy. In other words, I jump into bed too fast. She said I should take the time to get to know guys better because for all intents and purposes any new guy could be the man of my dreams or an asshole. So, it’s better to get to know them than to get so involved initially and then get hurt after only a month or two have passed (like the Russian).
And, she said, I have to be very clear on what exactly it is that I want out of a guy. If it’s just sex, then fine. If it’s a relationship, then fine. Just as long as I am clear that that’s what I want, nothing more or less.
At first I felt taken aback and terribly embarrassed. I thought she was calling me a s**t, which was triggering because the Ex’s wife called me that a few times. I even emailed her afterward because I was triggered.
I mean, is it wrong for me to explore my sexuality as a single twentysomething who’s only beginning to enter the dating scene? Is it wrong for me to explore what I like and enjoy about sex on my own terms after being abused for 5 years? I was horrified. I couldn’t understand why G, who had never seemed particularly conservative to me, was disagreeing with me.
But then I asked my friends, got their input, and I finally understood what it was that she wanted to say.
She wasn’t calling me a s**t. She was merely looking out for me. What she was trying to tell me was that I have to be more careful who I open myself up to (figuratively and literally, ha!) so that I don’t get hurt. I have to protect myself emotionally. She just wants me to think things through before I let myself get carried away. She’s not disagreeing with my exploring my sexuality, quite the contrary, she knows that means I’ve progressed.
But she also knows I’m sensitive and naive when it comes to dating, and I can get hurt easily. She knows I can easily get triggered into thinking about the Ex if any random asshole hurts me in the smallest possible way.
She’s trying to protect me.
And that means so much to me.
Being alone in so many new cities during interview season has opened my eyes to who I could be. When I’m alone and far away from my home city I’m so confident about myself, my body…you’d be surprised to see how I carry myself. I have almost no fear regarding dating and meeting men because I feel good enough for most anyone. It’s crazy!
But I know I’ve taken that newfound confidence and gotten a bit carried away with it. It’s good to know I have it in me in spite of all my issues, but I have to be a bit more careful with it. It’s like discovering some magical power you didn’t know you had. I have to learn how to manage it now, I guess.
So there’s that. Going to try and take it slower with the guys now. I think it’s best.