The past few months…

This week I had my last interview. Wherever I match will be far away from here. Good. IF I match…

Depression has been gone for a while now. I hope it never comes back again, but I’d be naive to think I won’t have another episode in my lifetime. The recent months have given me a lot of insight as to why I might not have had an episode in a long time. It’s weird, considering I’ve barely seen R and G since September. But I have my theories.

In addition to all the progress I’ve done since 2011, these past months have been an incredible distraction for me. That alone has been enough to fend off falling in the hole again. I’ve been so busy thinking about where I’m traveling next, where I’ll be staying the next day, hoping I have a place to sleep at least overnight, worrying about money, about interviews….there really hasn’t been any space for me to think much about my problems.

And then there’s the fact that I’ve been mainly outside of my home, with friends or by myself in random cities. I saw G last week, and she agrees with my line of thinking: a big contributor to my feeling depressed is my home environment. Once you take that away, I’m better able to manage my thoughts and emotions.

Like I’ve said before, I love my parents to bits, but their stress and their own problems affect me a lot.

So, if I match, I’ll be away from my home environment.

IF I match…

This whole process is tiresome. I just want it all to be over. It’s interesting, and it’s an adventure, but it gets to the point where it’s just painful and frustrating. I just want to know if I’ll have a job for the next 4 years, if I’ll be able to be a doctor, if all these years of effort, pain, and money were wasted away or not….I mean, a lot hangs on the news I’ll be getting on Match Week. And it seriously sucks.

Yesterday the program that blew me away asked if I’d taken Step 2 CS already. I did, a while ago, but my result won’t come around for another few weeks. So, now I’m scared, because if I didn’t pass Step 2 CS well….my chances of matching would be null in such a case, probably.

I mean, the pass-rate is around 97% I believe, so the odds are in my favor. But I know me. I get really nervous in practical tests, I didn’t study as much as I wanted to, and I feel I had a lot of wtf moments during the test with a lot of faulty physical exams, differential diagnoses, and crappy notes. Everyone keeps telling me: “You’ll be fine, you’ll pass. If you showed empathy you’ll be ok. You’re smart,” blah blah blah. But there’s this little nagging voice in the back of my mind that says: You didn’t pass. You won’t match. You won’t be a psychiatrist. You’re screwed.

I’m scared.

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7 comments
  1. POSITIVE THOUGHTS AND VIBES ONLY!!!! Because negatives make negative things happen!!! You’ve had a shit time lately so your happiness is come due!! 💕

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      • It’s hard for us when all we have experienced is negatives. I get it. But put out the positive vibes because at some point those vibes will be picked up. :]

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You’ll be fine, you’ll pass. If you showed empathy you’ll be ok. You’re smart, blah blah blah.

    Does that help? 😉

    Seriously, though, I’m sure you did much better than okay. We always judge ourselves in a more critical light than anyone else. We can do 100 things right and 1 thing wrong and we’ll spend far too much time focusing on that 1 wrong thing rather than seeing the other 100 things we did right. I guess that’s rooted in our instinct to learn from our mistakes. However, we do have to get conscious control of that instinct and say to ourselves, “Okay, I understand what I did wrong, and I know how to correct it. I can move on now.” Sometimes, it helps me to close my eyes and imagine myself in a similar situation, but this time applying what I’ve learned and seeing the scenario play out smooth and error-free so that when I open my eyes I come away with a positive feeling that allows me to let go of that 1 wrong thing because, in my mind at least, it’s now part of the 101 things I did right. Maybe that will help you too? I don’t know.

    Anyway, good luck. I hope things go better for you than even you can imagine. 🙂

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    • Hey Gabriel, you made me laugh with that opening sentence. Gaaah!

      And yes, you are right, I know I’m probably focusing on the minutiae here. Hopefully I did to ok in general, which is really what counts.

      I too hope things go better for me than I could ever imagine. I certainly do :/

      Liked by 1 person

  3. The Match process is one of the most stressful things in medicine. I didn’t sleep for about a week before Match Day. Good luck with it!

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    • Thanks love! I think I’ll be going down the sleepless road too once March comes ’round the bend. Yeesh!

      Like

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