This week I had my last interview. Wherever I match will be far away from here. Good. IF I match…
Depression has been gone for a while now. I hope it never comes back again, but I’d be naive to think I won’t have another episode in my lifetime. The recent months have given me a lot of insight as to why I might not have had an episode in a long time. It’s weird, considering I’ve barely seen R and G since September. But I have my theories.
In addition to all the progress I’ve done since 2011, these past months have been an incredible distraction for me. That alone has been enough to fend off falling in the hole again. I’ve been so busy thinking about where I’m traveling next, where I’ll be staying the next day, hoping I have a place to sleep at least overnight, worrying about money, about interviews….there really hasn’t been any space for me to think much about my problems.
And then there’s the fact that I’ve been mainly outside of my home, with friends or by myself in random cities. I saw G last week, and she agrees with my line of thinking: a big contributor to my feeling depressed is my home environment. Once you take that away, I’m better able to manage my thoughts and emotions.
Like I’ve said before, I love my parents to bits, but their stress and their own problems affect me a lot.
So, if I match, I’ll be away from my home environment.
IF I match…
This whole process is tiresome. I just want it all to be over. It’s interesting, and it’s an adventure, but it gets to the point where it’s just painful and frustrating. I just want to know if I’ll have a job for the next 4 years, if I’ll be able to be a doctor, if all these years of effort, pain, and money were wasted away or not….I mean, a lot hangs on the news I’ll be getting on Match Week. And it seriously sucks.
Yesterday the program that blew me away asked if I’d taken Step 2 CS already. I did, a while ago, but my result won’t come around for another few weeks. So, now I’m scared, because if I didn’t pass Step 2 CS well….my chances of matching would be null in such a case, probably.
I mean, the pass-rate is around 97% I believe, so the odds are in my favor. But I know me. I get really nervous in practical tests, I didn’t study as much as I wanted to, and I feel I had a lot of wtf moments during the test with a lot of faulty physical exams, differential diagnoses, and crappy notes. Everyone keeps telling me: “You’ll be fine, you’ll pass. If you showed empathy you’ll be ok. You’re smart,” blah blah blah. But there’s this little nagging voice in the back of my mind that says: You didn’t pass. You won’t match. You won’t be a psychiatrist. You’re screwed.