It’s easier to be fat than heartbroken

I’m fat and I just want to not eat forever. Haven’t been able to fast in so long. I’m pathetic.

Woke up a little while ago. In addition to calling myself fat after body checking my stomach area, I continue to hate myself for not being the Russian’s girlfriend. Why did he pick her and not me? He never gave signs of being a potential ghost. What happened, then?

And why did he fucking contact me?

All the things we talked about, his telling me “I love listening to you ramble”, the jokes, the intimacy, the future plans….all of it down the drain.

His girlfriend seems nice. Smarter, more successful, more driven, and most importantly not a mental screw-up like me.

All I know is, I’d rather focus on the pain of being fat than the pain of the Russian. At least I can do something about fatness.

  1. “His girlfriend seems nice. Smarter, more successful, more driven, and most importantly not a mental screw-up like me. ”

    If you really want to try something difficult, say out loud, “He deserves someone like her.” That sends out a positive energy to the heartache you’re feeling. It may actually help you to want even someone who hurt you to be happy.

    On the other hand, you could roll your eyes and say out loud, “I hope you enjoy her non-mental-screwed-up-edness. Normal people are so out of style these days.” 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m still waiting for the perfect person to tell me that they love me, even though I’m fat and have mental issues. I want to find someone while I’m still fat so that I know they actually love me, and not my body. Maybe it’s why I’m single? Maybe it’s why I just don’t care about dating. Who knows?

    Anyway, I’m sorry that you’re hurting. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here! I hope I can be of some help.



    • Hey love, anyone regardless of looks can find someone to date/love. Our minds (I include myself of course) and collective society trick us into thinking it all boils down to “she’s pretty/skinny/smart/whatever, so I’ll date/love her”. But it’s not really like that.

      Of course you will find someone. Regardless of your weight or mental health issues. But first love yourself 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I fat check too. And I still compare myself to my boyfriend [PC] ex gf. It’s been a year and I STILL compare!! She almost stole him from me once so I’m always trying to make sure I’m better on all levels.

    It’s what we do.

    But drop him.

    I really think Russian is just the outlet for your ED Voice. That your Ed was looking for something to grab onto and leech out. Russian was it. The sadness can carry out and spiral on.

    I’ve been there.


    • Hey Cassie, thank you for understanding. I really appreciate it and it means a bunch. If I were in your shoes, I would for sure still compare myself to your boyfriend’s ex. Our minds trick us 😦

      Interesting way of looking at it, the ED voice leeching onto the Russian to come back out. I wouldn’t be surprised if it were true. There’s always unforeseen connections between things.

      Much love xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi, it’s been awhile since i’ve been able to catch up w/ reading…after reading this post, for some reason i see more of a hint of positivity perhaps in your recognition of ways to distract from being overconsumed by this guy (interesting that i used the word consumption esp since u had mentioned the issue with food and your desire to eat…seems to be a replacement behavior to some degree?)…sorry i’m rambling because that’s the psychoanalytic therapist part of me. anyway, will catch up more on your posts. Btw…i’m starting a new series on my blog and i’d love for you to’s no more than writing a few sentences. If interested, do u have an email so i can send the info to u? if u don’t feel comfortable giving your email on here, feel free to email me at 🙂



    • Hey Vania, so happy to see you back! Yes, you can email me at borderlinemed (at) gmail (dot) com


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