I still want “us”

I had other ideas for this post. Happier ideas, about going back to review my Obligatory end of year/Beginning of year post. But I don’t think I’ll write one for 2016, because I’m lazy. I will say, though, that reviewing that post I realized I did pretty well on sticking to the commitment of making 2015 one of growth (patting myself on the back now). So, I’ll do the same for 2016.

HOWEVER, New Year’s Eve brought some interesting things with it, some very interesting things worth posting about. I thought it was the end of the Russian (see my previous post), but the deep, nasty, suppurating wound in my heart that is dedicated to him was reopened on that day and salt has been poured on it daily since then. I think the Russian is becoming a non-healing ulcer.

And that’s because…the Russian made a reappearance.

A quick one. But a reappearance nonetheless. Enough to cause little old me to cry herself to sleep last night.

So, what happened? New Year’s Eve was going just as planned. It was 1pm in the afternoon and I was readying myself up all pretty and hot, a treat to myself after realizing a few days previously that the Russian has a girlfriend now. I was in the process of texting my med school girlfriend something, and as I was typing I saw it appear at the top of my phone’s screen:


From an unknown number, mind you. I’d deleted his contact information from my phone, but I knew it was him because I’m really good at memorizing numbers. In addition to texting me, he messaged me via facebook with “hey dana” at the same time.

I decided to have fun with it, and reveled in the orgasmic pleasure of texting the following words:

“Who is this?”

He answered.

I said: “Oh”

And he said….nothing.

That’s right. NOTHING. For an hour and 45 minutes I tried to distract myself doing my hair and listening to music while my armpits were sweating profusely due to nerves. I was trying to be a proud girl. I was pretty successful, and it felt great figuratively having him at my feet, wantingΒ my attention. But after an hour and 45 I said ‘fuck it’ and decided to text back again because I wasn’t going to let him spoil the rest of the day.

So, I said “Yes?”


Abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING! I partied with my family, got drunk for the first time in my life, and NOTHING, you guys. Not a single little word from him the whole night.

And then I went and fucked things up a bit because in my drunken state I replied his “hey dana” message on facebook chat with “hey hey russiann”. I’m pretty sure he could tell I was drunk. (But at least he didn’t catch the worst part of my drunk texting wrath, which involved texting my two best med school friends about everything from the Russian, to C, to videos of me giggling like an idiot, to confessing about the abuse….yeah, I’m not planning on getting drunk again. EVER.)

The night came to an end. I went to sleep. I woke up, non-hungover (I purged on purpose before going to sleep so I wouldn’t wake up miserable). And my first thought was Why did he text me?!

So, I texted him again at 11:30am: “Why did you text me yesterday?” thinking it might have been that he just wanted my address to send me the earrings. I mean, I wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity if he was actually planning on finally hauling his ass to the post office to send them to me.

And still….NOTHING.

So later in the day I got pissed because I didn’t know if he was just making me look like an idiot and playing jokes for shits and giggles. And the final message I texted was the following:


Of course, I commented on his “behavior” while crossing my fingers that he’d let my drunken “hey hey russiann” slide.


And that was it. Still nothing. With just two words the Russian managed to make me cry myself to sleep. Yeesh. (A part of me actually regrets writing that last message because I’m still hopeful. But I know I’ve gotta demand some respect too.)

I want to know why he texted. I mean, it’s been 1.5 months since I last heard of him. I know I shouldn’t give this much thought, but humor me for a bit ok?

I thought: Well, maybe he wanted to ship the earrings. But heck, if it was that, then why did he suddenly back down and chicken out? It’s something completely impersonal. All it takes is a text that says: “I’m sending you your earrings. What’s your address?” So, I’m not quite convinced it was that.

And then I thought: Well, maybe he got the wrong Dana on his phone. Honest mistake. Could happen to anyone, right? Wrong. He messaged me on facebook too, which means he purposefully searched my name and clearly saw my picture and messaged “hey dana”.

And finally, I thought: It was New Year’s Eve, maybe it was a drunken tirade. Yes, could be. But it was 1pm you guys. And honestly, as much as I want to say bad things about the Russian, getting drunk at 1pm is so very not him. I mean, I never once saw him drinking when we dated, nor was he ever insistent on drinking alcohol.

And then I texted my med school girlfriend: But hey, he still has my number then. To which she responded: “Sometimes iphones keep contact info even after you delete it.” But I insisted: “Yeah, but it still means he thought of me for whatever reason and dug my number up.”

So, I still don’t know why the hell he texted me. I’m dying to know. But I know I’ll probably die before knowing. Maybe it was something as meaningless and impersonal as the earrings. Or, better yet, maybe he actually missed me. But I’ll never fucking know.

And now, because of that, the Russian is back at the forefront of my mind. To the point where even C is annoying me. Every time C texts me I wish it was the Russian.

But no luck. He has a girlfriend now. Slightly younger than me, his same ethnicity, a good student, and a Christian (which is surprising, since we once had great sex after discussing our atheist ways in detail). Unlike me, he’s probably not ashamed of presenting her to his mother. And unlike me, he’s willing to change his profile pic for her.

And after all this, I’m left with the question: Was what we shared genuine? I know it was for me. We have so much stuff in common. I mean, the coincidences were uncanny, people. And in spite of personality clashes at times and my asking him on various occasions, he always insisted he was in it for the long haul, looking for a “partner in crime” and that we were on the same page: number 72.

Why? Just….why? I’m embarrassed to admit that I still, to this day, want what we had. I know I shouldn’t. But I do. And I constantly compare C to him (more on that later….if I feel like it).

That non-healing ulcer is giving me severe pain again, you guys.


  1. Maybe he sent you a text just to see if you’d still respond to him. And if that’s the case, if that’s what he wants, then since he’s not giving you what you want, why not deny him of what he wants and simply not respond the next time he sends you a text that doesn’t start with, “I’m sorry for hurting you?” If he says nothing to you after the initial text, then say nothing to him to start with. I know it’s difficult as all hell to resist the urge to talk to him and get the answers to all of your questions, but the reason he’s treating you this way is because you’re allowing him to do it. If there’s some part of his ego that needs to see you texting him after a simple, “hey,” then don’t let that need of his be filled.

    If you can delete a text from your phone, then the next time you see a text from him that is nothing more than, “hey,” delete it right away. In fact, don’t just delete, take some sort of evil satisfaction in deleting it. While deleting that text, say out loud, “Nope. You’re not getting me this time, you rat bastard.”

    I’m proud of you for that last text you sent, though. He should absolutely not contact you again unless it’s specifically to address something that you want. So good for you. πŸ™‚


    • Ugh, you’re so right. And it’s definitely what I should do. I don’t trust myself to be that strong, though 😦 But who knows, maybe I just need time.

      And yes, that last text gives me a little pain to look at whenever I do, but a little part of me also jumps up in triumph.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Stay triumphant… Did you say your name is Dana, and if so, is it cool or not cool for me to call you by your name?

        But yeah, stay triumphant. The whole being strong thing looks good on you. So act as if you can trust yourself to be strong again, when you need to be. You can totally do it. I know you can. πŸ™‚

        No, I’m not psychic or anything like that. It’s just that everything you’ve posted that I’ve read leads me to see the strength in you that you probably don’t yet realize is there and has been there for as long I’ve been reading your posts.

        Anyway, good luck and stay strong… and triumphant. πŸ™‚


  2. K said:

    Oh my God that is so frustrating. But trust me hun, we’ve ALL been there. Like I said in my email, it helps me to create an “if, then” situation in my head and if they fail, mentally cut them out of my life. Why keep contact with some one who brings you more pain than happiness?

    And congrats on getting drunk πŸ™‚ Don’t give up on it yet – it’s one of life’s great pleasures πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey love!

      I wish I could do that, honestly. It’s so difficult for me to cut people off just like that, though. But I think my “if, then” right now is “if he does communicate, but doesn’t GENUINELY apologize, then I won’t give him a second chance”. I wish it could be more of an “if he doesn’t come back within a week, then he’s out” sort of scenario, but I’m too weak. But who knows, maybe I just need time. Maybe if he comes back in a month I’ll be like “hell no, fuck off”.

      As for drunkenness, you know, I actually enjoyed it! I liked the feeling of zero inhibitions and just giggling like there was no tomorrow, I really did. But I went overboard. I could have achieved that with 3 glasses of champagne instead of 5, haha (yeah, I’ve got zero tolerance). So I said I don’t want to get drunk ever again, but that’s probably BS!



  3. Oh what the faaaaaaaaack!!! I LITERALLY shook my head in shock when I read this!!

    I cannot believe he finally texted you!!

    GAH he reminds me of my ex!!

    You know why he didn’t respond back? Because you had confidence girl! He probably wants to manipulate you. Cheat on his gf and thinks that he has you wrapped around his finger.

    Hell ya he has your info and he won’t delete it. But don’t fool yourself you are still WAY better!!

    Keep with C.

    Russian was floored by your [amazing I am SO PROUD] stunt of who is this. He wants you to worship him.

    I still hold to him being afraid of commitment. But I also think he’s a prick and a douche. And why isn’t this other chick like whose earrings are these?!?!

    I hope he didn’t throw them out.

    But pretty, for your sake, don’t be like me and hold on to him. You will miss awesome opportunities like C. I missed better things bc I am self deprecating. I would hold onto a Russian guy because I thought it was love but for me it was I thought I deserved that treatment.

    Truly. Sit down and think about it. Do you hold on because you have this idolized picture of what he is? Is it jaded? I’ve done it.

    Keep stalking if it helps. If not, pull back and keep him on like I said so you can come off as strong and confident even if you feel opposite. It always kills them more.


    • Hey Cassie, couldn’t help but laugh at your reaction. “What the faaaaaack!” haha!

      I think you’re so right about him being afraid of commitment. The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. The signs were obvious and there from the start. This new girl is either: a) the love of his life, or b) willing to put up with his commitment-phobe ways (for now, that is).

      I will admit, I’m still holding on to him. But I probably just need time for it to fizz out. Still feel like crap, though.

      I think I am idolizing him, I’m afraid of admitting it, but yes. I’d probably have to see him in person again so that point can be driven home, but that won’t happen so I’ll just have to trust my gut.

      I still want him. For now I’ll keep stalking. But the frequency decreases every day. So that’s a good sign.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Just keep assessing with yourself. Do you want him because he is unattainable? [I am so guilty of that crap] Do you want to change him? Is it more than that? Are there qualities you can find in someone else? Because you so deserve better. Like way better. Screw him and his booty call attempt. Ninja please. Ew. Just ew.


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