Let’s try this again, shall we?

All right, ladies and gents…my update is long overdue.

Interview season has really fucked up my blogging, what with the unstable housing and not knowing where I’ll be one day or the next. I’ve discovered, during this time, that I actually don’t like being a nomad as much as I thought I did. The instability takes my long-held hobbies and shakes them up. Hence, writing has been sparse, art has been sparse, dance has been sparse…everything.

But I’m still here, kicking and screaming. I have 4 more interviews left, might actually cancel the last one and make that 3. That’s a total of 10 interview offers, waitlists pending, 2 programs I won’t rank, and probably 7 programs I’ll rank in the end….making it 8 because one has a research track I’ll be ranking too. The savings I’ve had for years have disappeared in the span of 3 months. All I’m saying is: this shit better be worth it.

And the Russian? Russian no more. That asshole. No good piece of shit. He ghosted on me. Approximately 2 months of dating and he completely disappeared, just like that. After one month of waiting, I texted him again after he appeared in my facebook newsfeed (he’s like a unicorn on facebook, so if he has time for that, it means he has free time for sure). I just want him to send me my fucking earrings (he has a postage store right across the street from his place…I mean, c’mon). Obviously, my message went unanswered, just like the ones before that.

It bothers me how nasty he’s been. He’s shown his slimy, true colors all right. And it bothers me, because like him there’s many other people out there. I mean, seriously, he must think I’m the teeniest human being to ever grace the Earth to have the indecency to ignore me in such a way. To me, that’s disgusting.

Ghosting is disgusting. Don’t ghost, my friends. Don’t be such asses. If you don’t like someone, just throw your ball of shame out the window and tell them straight up. It shows you respect the other person.

But, the Russian? Good riddance. Because, there’s another guy I met. A friend of a friend. Might post more about him if it goes any further. What’s important about him is he made me realize I deserve love. And nice things. And a good man. So, even if nothing solid happens with this new guy, I’ll be forever grateful for his entering my life. He made me realize I put the Russian on a pedestal when all along he was a bleached, hairy little ass. We’ll call this new guy C for now.

And just to show you how awesome C has been….the Russian half-joking/half-serious told me not to be my weird and goofy self during interviews. He was appalled at how goofy and unpredictable I could get at times. Meanwhile, when I asked C if my weirdness scared him, he answered with: “No. It’s what I like about you.”

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I felt an explosion in my pelvic area when he said that. It was my ovaries.

So, that’s the good stuff in my life right now. The kinda shitty stuff encompasses family and food. The two F’s.

My previous post was right after Christmas. I felt like crap. My mom was in a terrible mood on Christmas because the night before we had a small argument. She, in a bitter tone, mentioned she isn’t going to visit me if I match for residency somewhere far away from here (which is pretty much everywhere I’m planning on ranking…oops!). She’s been saying that for a while now. It’s her way of dealing with the coming empty nest. Like I’ve said before, my mom has the emotional mind and defense mechanisms of a 2 year-old. I get that. I get her pain. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be (seriously).

But…I wish she’d just go with the flow and root for me in spite of the pain, the way my dad has been doing. He’s always rooting for me in spite of obviously not wanting me to leave. So, I told my mom she’s making me feel like shit with her comments and snide jabs. Cue the small argument.

She behaved like this when each of my sisters left. It’s nothing new. But it sucks all the same. I’ll have to suffer through it. I know she’s just talking shit. I know she’ll come visit me. I’ll just have to…suffer through her wrath for now.

As for food…I purged two days in a row now. I’ve been eating terribly. I know I’ve gained weight. I’d say the eating disorder monster was hibernating for a bit there and it’s slowly waking up again. Thank you for nothing, holiday season. Trying to hide your eating disordered ways during this time only results in gaining weight because of all the excess food that’s constantly on the table. But that only causes the ED behaviors to rear their ugly heads later on if you’re not fully recovered or in a good place mentally. Hence, the nasty ED cycle during the holidays.

So, here I am, very slowly trying to decrease my portions without anyone noticing, going back to my fasting ways. To me, purging is just the instant relief I need at rare times. My baseline is eating small portions/fasting. That sounds horrible, and it probably is, but I’d rather have that than be fat.

Oh, and as a side note, I’ve been terrible at taking my Prozac lately. Just like with blogging/writing. And no therapy because it’s the holidays! Gee-whiz, no wonder my mind has been tending toward the dark side. But no. No no no no. I refuse.

That’s that for now, my people. I’ll get back to your comments and emails soon. I’m falling asleep as I type this.

 

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4 comments
  1. My advice: Let the earrings go. They’ll just remind you of him anyway. Make the earrings, and the hate you feel for him over not returning the earrings, a symbol of letting go of that hate and him. Hate, like love, is a form of caring. To truly let go, you have to become indifferent. It takes awhile, and lots of thought-clearing, but it’s possible.

    “Whatโ€™s important about him is he made me realize I deserve love. And nice things. And a good man.”

    Question: Has anyone else before this new guy made you realize the same things as this new guy? And if so, could this be a cycle you’re going through of feeling like you need a guy to give you these things rather than relying on yourself to give you these things? And if so, should you really be jumping into yet another relationship in which your well-being depends on someone else?

    I know, personally, how difficult it is to not allow your well-being to be determined by someone else (I’ve gone through yet another example myself recently), but what I’ve learned is that in the times that I let go of this need, in the times that I can observe myself loving me and doing nice things for me and being good to me, it’s these times that I feel less depressed and feel like I could actually end up being okay.

    And yeah, I do know that one size certainly does not fit all, and that what I’ve learned may not work for you, but I just figured I’d share my experience because… I don’t know why. Just do what you want to do, what you feel is right, and enjoy what you do for you. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Gabriel,

      As usual, you got my little shriveled-up mind thinking. I thought so much, I’m gonna make a post out of this, so watch out ๐Ÿ˜‰

      And, I thought you should know, WordPress named you my top commenter of 2015! I never thought anyone would find my blog that interesting, haha, so thank you. I’d give you a little trophy with the title “Awesomest commenter ever”.

      Much love your way!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m honored to be your top commenter. ๐Ÿ™‚

        But really, all the credit goes to you for having the courage to share your personal life on a blog that any crazy idiot (*pointing at myself) can find and read. Seriously, though, writing and posting on a public blog does take courage and one thing I can say about you for sure is that you certainly have truckloads of courage. I’m just surprised you’ve tolerated my replies for this long. Haha. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        But I’m glad you do. The things you write help me to reflect on myself. For example, in my last reply, I actually had one of those ‘light bulb moments’ in which I thought to myself, “Damn, I really need to take my own advice.” So I will.

        I hope.

        So yeah, thank you for writing what you write, for saying what you say, for being here, and for being you. I guess that’s my long-winded way of saying that, even in times that you feel otherwise, you and your efforts are appreciated. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • Aw, thank you! I have yet to see the things you guys see in me, but youโ€™ve certainly helped in this long and tiresome process of accepting myself. Iโ€™m glad Iโ€™ve made you think about yourself too. You are very much incredibly and ridiculously appreciated, mister. Keep on being you ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

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