Pretending I’m careless

Gosssshhhhh interview season. My current stats: 9 interviews scheduled, 5 down, 4 to go, 1 program I won’t rank, 1 program I’m still debating whether I should rank. Would love to match at the top program in the city that I adore. I get excited just thinking about it and ideas about research/community/advocacy work I could do there crop up.

But the more time passes the more I feel I didn’t convince them of wanting to have me there. The Program Director and most of my interviewers there didn’t reply to my thank you emails. And I overthink everything that happened that day. Whatever. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if I don’t match there, so I don’t want to get excited. I’m expecting to be let down on Match Day.

As for the Russian…

It seems the Russian is no more. He started ghosting. Then he didn’t return a call I made after he hung up apparently because he couldn’t hear me. Then I did the most stupid thing ever: sent him an angry text. He didn’t answer, obviously. Then I did something even more stupid: sent a text apologizing. Again, he didn’t answer.

So I guess it’s over. And I feel it was all my fault. I feel whatever sliver of hope there might have been I completely ruined. I’m sure he thinks I’m a “psycho-freak”, after all he knows about me and what happened. I’m so angry at myself, because here was this guy who liked me and there I go ruining it. I’m a fucking dumbass.

And of course I think of all the romantic and good stuff we shared. I’m such a fucking IDIOT. I really like/liked him…

Meanwhile, I put up with his ghosting and such because I’ve got such a low self-esteem. I know I should put myself first and argue if he were to come back ever (which isn’t going to happen), but I can’t trust myself to do that. My low self-esteem always getting in the way.

So here I am, alone again. Self-sabotaged all the way to finally pushing away a guy who was into me and willing to date me, which hadn’t happened that way to me ever before.

And because of the Russian being no more, I feel the need to self-destruct and neglect a bit….cause myself a bit of pain. I’m looking into getting an ear piercing, eventually a tattoo (although that’s something I’ve always thought about doing, it’s not new).

And because of that need to self-destruct, and because tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I’ll just eat whatever I’ll have in front so no one will suspect of my eating disordered ways. Then I’ll purge if I feel it necessary. Or I’ll restrict in sneaky ways. Who knows what I’ll do? Because I don’t care. Because I’m kind of hating myself right now for giving the Russian an excuse to disappear.

It’ll just be me and my mental screwed-up-ness. Forever alone, single, and crazy/psycho/freak. Happy Thanksgiving.

 

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11 comments
  1. MjBee said:

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. But I definitely get what you are saying xo

    Like

    • Aw, thanks for listening πŸ™‚ Yes, being hard on myself is something I’m still working hard to overcome. It’s such an ingrained habit, unfortunately 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      • MjBee said:

        Same with me..very engrained in my psyche as well. Im slowly getting there. I have this bad habit of blaming myself for everything. Small steps !

        Like

  2. It’s funny (not funny haha, but funny strange) that I’ve been talking to someone since this past Sunday and now I’m coming to the same conclusion. We were emailing each other every day, multiple times per day, when I said something yesterday that I now wish I didn’t. I said it with the best of intentions, but that doesn’t seem to matter now since I haven’t gotten a reply from her in about 24 hours. So I’m guessing that she read it and decided not to reply.

    I’m not surprised, though. It’s what I do. I talk to someone and everything starts off fine, but then I say something that I should know better than to say and I don’t hear from the person ever again.

    In short, while you’re at the step of this process in which you’re calling yourself all sorts of names and laying blame on yourself, I’m on the step of this process in which I’m calling myself all sorts of names, laying blame on myself, and sitting here not at all shocked at what has happened yet again. Hey, you know, when you see a pattern, it’s not so surprising when that pattern just keeps repeating itself.

    Anyway, I really feel like she really liked me. We were talking in person for awhile before we had to resort to emailing. And it’s not like it was even romantic. In fact, it didn’t have to be romantic; I was just okay with being a friend. Apparently, I can’t have one of those either. Haha!

    Anyway, whenever you feel alone, remember that there are other people who are just as alone as you, which means that you’re not alone in your aloneness.

    God, that probably made you feel worse or confused the heck out of you or both.

    I hope you at least have a good holiday. All I’m going to do is sit alone, eat some S’mores ice cream, and watch a couple of movies. Maybe I’ll forget that it’s Thanksgiving. Maybe I already have.

    Oh, and I hope Match Day works out well for you. I’ll keep one eye crossed for luck. πŸ˜‰

    Like

    • Hey Gabriel,

      No worries, what you said made perfect sense πŸ˜‰ I get you! I guess it’s part of the screwed-up-ness heheh.

      I’m feeling crappy too, relationships-wise, as you can already tell. Somehow, I still have this hope of finding at least a “Mr. Right Now”, as they call them. Can’t even get one of those! Sigh…

      S’mores and ice cream sounds like a fair Thanksgiving to me. It’s better than having to pretend all is pink and roses with a bunch of people you call “family”. Though pumpkin pie is pretty damn good, I can’t pass up on that.

      Ah, thanks for that crossed eye. I’m gonna need it :/

      Take care and much love your way.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Well I hardly think you are psycho or that messed up or that you will never find someone. You are intelligent and spend too much time in your mind–but me too. And you will match and it will be the perfect match. It may not seem like it at the time or maybe it will. But it will all work out for good as things usually do. And do you know my answer to everything right now? Yoga. Sign up for classes…better yet find someone that does therapeutic yoga. I was in my F*** life attitude on Tuesday night after work. So I went to yoga everyday this week and twice on Sunday and it’s thanksgiving and it’s just all good. So I only had turkey and a bit of sweet potatoes but it doesn’t matter because I’m allowed and I’m safe and I’m nourishing myself and you are healing. You are incredibly stressed. And you will get through this.

    Like

    • Hey love, so happy to hear from you. Been keeping up with your blog again and as always, I’m so proud of you and rooting for you from the other side of the screen ❀

      I know you're right, that I just have to trust the match and I'll end up where I'm meant to end up. "It may not seem l like it at the time or maybe it will." You are so right. Why can't I get that through my thick head? 😦

      As for yoga, you know I've been working myself up to going to a class for so long already. I've at least been keeping up with dance class as best I can, and that to me is pretty therapeutic. I guess I'm just kind of chicken when it comes to going to a yoga class on my own. Gotta work up that courage.

      "So I only had turkey and a bit of sweet potatoes but it doesn’t matter because I’m allowed and I’m safe and I’m nourishing myself and you are healing." Gosh, that should be our mantra. Like I said, you've made so much progress.

      Keep it up love, sending you strength as always.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sydne D. said:

    This is such a real post. Just found your blog and I love it. This may seem really cliche, but someone who ghosts like that isn’t worth having in your life in the first place. I like to think of residency interviews and dating in the same way…I’m vetting programs (and potential boyfriends) at the end of the day. It’s not about whether or not they want me (because in my head I’m beyonce, lol). The only thing I care about is whether or not I want them. YOU hold all the power, and the first step is finding that out for yourself. YOUR power is limitless. Once you start to see the world this way, things will start to change for the better. I recommend Abraham Hicks videos on youtube (she is mind-blowing). Sorry for the essay!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey love, I’m so sorry I took so long to respond. I’m usually good with the blog, but interview season has been terrible for my hobbies. Sorry you discovered me at such a crappy time 😦

      And no worries about the essay! The longer the comments the more I like them, haha! Let’s me know I made people click or think, or whatever πŸ˜‰ I love getting to know other people’s thoughts.

      This really helped me during the interviews I’ve had so far, the whole “I hold the power” thing. I mean, you’re so right! It helped me relax and ease into those repetitive questions and days of endless smiling and saying “Thank you”.

      Hope to hear more of you. And I promise I’m usually not this bad with the blog!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sydne D. said:

        No worries at all! This is a busy time for you! I am so glad you found the comment helpful and took it to heart. You are incredibly brave for sharing real, raw emotion that we all can identify with and learn from. These emotions are only compounded by the gauntlet that is medical school and residency. That being said, you are doubly strong for withstanding the pressures and honing your coping mechanisms along the way.

        Best of luck in the next few months! I am sure you’re killing interviews and each program would be LUCKY AS HELL to have you!

        Syd

        Like

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