Gosssshhhhh interview season. My current stats: 9 interviews scheduled, 5 down, 4 to go, 1 program I won’t rank, 1 program I’m still debating whether I should rank. Would love to match at the top program in the city that I adore. I get excited just thinking about it and ideas about research/community/advocacy work I could do there crop up.
But the more time passes the more I feel I didn’t convince them of wanting to have me there. The Program Director and most of my interviewers there didn’t reply to my thank you emails. And I overthink everything that happened that day. Whatever. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if I don’t match there, so I don’t want to get excited. I’m expecting to be let down on Match Day.
As for the Russian…
It seems the Russian is no more. He started ghosting. Then he didn’t return a call I made after he hung up apparently because he couldn’t hear me. Then I did the most stupid thing ever: sent him an angry text. He didn’t answer, obviously. Then I did something even more stupid: sent a text apologizing. Again, he didn’t answer.
So I guess it’s over. And I feel it was all my fault. I feel whatever sliver of hope there might have been I completely ruined. I’m sure he thinks I’m a “psycho-freak”, after all he knows about me and what happened. I’m so angry at myself, because here was this guy who liked me and there I go ruining it. I’m a fucking dumbass.
And of course I think of all the romantic and good stuff we shared. I’m such a fucking IDIOT. I really like/liked him…
Meanwhile, I put up with his ghosting and such because I’ve got such a low self-esteem. I know I should put myself first and argue if he were to come back ever (which isn’t going to happen), but I can’t trust myself to do that. My low self-esteem always getting in the way.
So here I am, alone again. Self-sabotaged all the way to finally pushing away a guy who was into me and willing to date me, which hadn’t happened that way to me ever before.
And because of the Russian being no more, I feel the need to self-destruct and neglect a bit….cause myself a bit of pain. I’m looking into getting an ear piercing, eventually a tattoo (although that’s something I’ve always thought about doing, it’s not new).
And because of that need to self-destruct, and because tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I’ll just eat whatever I’ll have in front so no one will suspect of my eating disordered ways. Then I’ll purge if I feel it necessary. Or I’ll restrict in sneaky ways. Who knows what I’ll do? Because I don’t care. Because I’m kind of hating myself right now for giving the Russian an excuse to disappear.
It’ll just be me and my mental screwed-up-ness. Forever alone, single, and crazy/psycho/freak. Happy Thanksgiving.