I have a lot to say. And I know I should focus on my interviews. And they’ve mostly been ok. But really what’s at the forefront of my mind right now is the Russian.
Another one seems to have disappeared. I knew this would happen the minute he turned around last time we said goodbye. Something just didn’t feel right. I thought it was me.
So this week I asked him if I could stay over one night because I made a mistake in my schedule and didn’t have a place to stay. He said no. Then, mid-week, I texted him asking if he was still alive. He said: “Away;sorry. Will text you Saturday.” Obviously that was a pile of BS. However, of course I still had some hope he might just come around and actually communicate. But yeah, nope. Nothing.
I’ve tried to focus on myself the past three days. Tried to study for Step 2 CS, which I’ll be taking in literally a week and a half….but I can’t. Two days ago I fasted enough to make me feel dizzy and incredibly weak. I knew I took it too far when I noticed I just lay in bed and couldn’t raise my arms up against gravity and my breathing was shallow. Somehow I gathered the strength to go eat something. I fasted because I felt like shit and horribly fat, but it was also a mix of anxiety not letting me get outside.
Then today I ate too much for my comfort. I purged. Petechiae all around my eyes now and a few on my forehead. During the whole day I couldn’t keep my mind off the Russian, obsessing over what had gone wrong. Finally, after purging, I broke down crying like a dumbass. I started crying the moment I grabbed my phone and noticed I still had this picture of me smiling. It was a picture I took of me all excited when we planned the whole my visiting him and staying over at his place for a week. I’d sent it to him back then. He was excited and he’d told me he missed me.
If he didn’t like me as much why didn’t he just tell me? Honestly, I prefer crying hysterically over someone telling me they’re not into me anymore, than crying hysterically because they just disappeared and decided to ignore me. The difference is, in the first option, you’re respecting me, acknowledging my existence, and growing a pair….vs the second option is just being a piece of shit coward.
I was so happy at the beginning of this month. I was actually thinking November might be different this year, that I’d actually found this cute/nice guy to date. But nope, none of that. Apparently I’ll have none of that happiness back. It’s just a load of shit. Again, the rug has been swept from under my feet for the one millionth time.
Tomorrow I’ll be leaving to another city for two interviews. I’ll be staying with an old friend from high school I haven’t seen in years and who will probably trigger me into oblivion concerning all things The Ex and my teenage years. To top it all off, the city I’ll be going to is the Russian’s home city.
I remember him telling me he liked my being so affectionate. His telling me we were on the same page. Looking at the stars together….sitting at a pair of swings together…
I told him three times I didn’t want to get hurt. This is precisely what I meant by “hurt”.
Why do I keep trying? Really, why?