Turning to dust

I have a lot to say. And I know I should focus on my interviews. And they’ve mostly been ok. But really what’s at the forefront of my mind right now is the Russian.

Another one seems to have disappeared. I knew this would happen the minute he turned around last time we said goodbye. Something just didn’t feel right. I thought it was me.

So this week I asked him if I could stay over one night because I made a mistake in my schedule and didn’t have a place to stay. He said no. Then, mid-week, I texted him asking if he was still alive. He said: “Away;sorry. Will text you Saturday.” Obviously that was a pile of BS. However, of course I still had some hope he might just come around and actually communicate. But yeah, nope. Nothing.

I’ve tried to focus on myself the past three days. Tried to study for Step 2 CS, which I’ll be taking in literally a week and a half….but I can’t. Two days ago I fasted enough to make me feel dizzy and incredibly weak. I knew I took it too far when I noticed I just lay in bed and couldn’t raise my arms up against gravity and my breathing was shallow. Somehow I gathered the strength to go eat something. I fasted because I felt like shit and horribly fat, but it was also a mix of anxiety not letting me get outside.

Then today I ate too much for my comfort. I purged. Petechiae all around my eyes now and a few on my forehead. During the whole day I couldn’t keep my mind off the Russian, obsessing over what had gone wrong. Finally, after purging, I broke down crying like a dumbass. I started crying the moment I grabbed my phone and noticed I still had this picture of me smiling. It was a picture I took of me all excited when we planned the whole my visiting him and staying over at his place for a week. I’d sent it to him back then. He was excited and he’d told me he missed me.

If he didn’t like me as much why didn’t he just tell me? Honestly, I prefer crying hysterically over someone telling me they’re not into me anymore, than crying hysterically because they just disappeared and decided to ignore me. The difference is, in the first option, you’re respecting me, acknowledging my existence, and growing a pair….vs the second option is just being a piece of shit coward.

I was so happy at the beginning of this month. I was actually thinking November might be different this year, that I’d actually found this cute/nice guy to date. But nope, none of that. Apparently I’ll have none of that happiness back. It’s just a load of shit. Again, the rug has been swept from under my feet for the one millionth time.

Tomorrow I’ll be leaving to another city for two interviews. I’ll be staying with an old friend from high school I haven’t seen in years and who will probably trigger me into oblivion concerning all things The Ex and my teenage years. To top it all off, the city I’ll be going to is the Russian’s home city.

I remember him telling me he liked my being so affectionate. His telling me we were on the same page. Looking at the stars together….sitting at a pair of swings together…

I told him three times I didn’t want to get hurt. This is precisely what I meant by “hurt”.

Why do I keep trying? Really, why?

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4 comments
  1. Ugh ghosting is so weak and immature!! What a spineless man!! He is not worthy of you!! Two new cities are two new opportunities for you!! I know this is hard because you cared a lot, but try to turn it off like a switch and focus on these interviews. These could be your new start in new cities. Then maybe you’ll meet a real man who wouldn’t ghost on you.

    I’ve been ghosted and I always feel like it’s me…I did something wrong. I read a great article about modern culture and how it’s actually not us but them: their lack of respect and immaturity to have the courage to reject.

    So screw him!! Girl you are so much better!! Jill on these interviews! You’ve so got them! Prove to him you don’t need him! Then watch him come crawling back and then kick his ass to the curb!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey hun, awww thank you so much for your support. Yeah, I pretty much feel like crap. For a moment there I thought he hadn’t fully ghosted on me, but it’s a whole other story this week. I’ll be posting about it soon.

      I’m trying to focus on interviews and all. So far I’ve done ok, but really inside I’m just hurting a lot. I really like/liked (?) him and if he does indeed want to reject me, then why can’t he do it in a respectful way? Trying to be nice to myself and not fall in the “it was something I did” trap, but I’m sure you know that’s really difficult. As horrible as it feels to type this, I know if things are over with him it’s only a matter of time until I heal. I’ve done it before, so I guess I can do it again.

      But yeah…..*sigh* thanks for your kind words, it means a lot to me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “If he didn’t like me as much why didn’t he just tell me?”

    I ask that every time it happens to me. Why couldn’t she just tell me she didn’t like?

    In fact, just this past week, I was talking to a lady I took a poetry class with. I hadn’t talked with her in more than a year, and the last time we talked, I told her about someone who I was interested in and who it seemed was interested in me. So when we talked last week, of course the first thing she asked me was, “How did it go with that girl?” And of course, I had to tell her that only a week after our last talk, the girl decided to brush me off, like everyone else does. When she asked if there’s been anyone since, I said, “No. I haven’t been in the mood for that kind of thing.” And of course, I was lying to her. I have been in the mood, I just haven’t found anyway willing to want to be with me as is.

    Anyway, the only thought I can conjure about it all is that I can’t control anyone but myself, and all I can do is make myself feel okay about the way my shitty life has been going in this particular aspect of it. What I’ve decided to do, recently, is shake it off. Yes, I am referring to the Taylor Swift song “Shake It Off” (if you haven’t heard it, go to YouTube and look it up; trust me). I put it on my playlist so I can sing along and dance badly with it. I think I’m becoming a Swiftie (Taylor Swift fan). I don’t know. What I do know is that it helps. It helps me to step outside of myself, see myself dancing badly to Taylor Swift, and realize that if I was with someone, I would be dancing just as badly. And, what the hell, I can dance badly on my own, so it’s okay that I’m on my own.

    Also, this experience I have with being alone actually helps me to write poetry. For example, after talking with that lady and remembering how every hope of finding someone I’ve ever had has been mercilessly crushed at the very moment I thought life was getting better for me, I wrote a poem. I’ll just post it right here:

    People come and people go,
    they sometimes stop to say, “Hello,”
    but they don’t stay for very long
    as my life is nothing more
    than a single-voice song.

    After I wrote that and read it back, I smiled. Occasionally, through the sadness and despair, I realize that if there ever comes a time when my life becomes a duet, it’ll be with the right person at the right time. For now, I’m simply being saved from all of the wrong people at all of the wrong times, the people who aren’t strong enough to look past what’s “wrong” with me and love me anyway.

    The right person will come for you at the right time, and he’ll appreciate every wonderfully messed up aspect of you. Believe me. There will be someone who sees all that you are and loves you the way you deserve: unconditionally. 🙂

    Like

    • Hey Gabriel,

      Arrgh, you are so right in every point you brought. I need that positive attitude. It’s so difficult, isn’t it? Wasn’t expecting you to bring Taylor Swift to the topic though! Will definitely give it a try, although I’m not a Swifty fan….all in the name of my emotional wellbeing, haha!

      When will we stop being rejected, right? Someday someone will come along, hopefully. It’s the waiting that sucks. But hopefully the crap-load of waiting we’ve done means somebody really really really awesome will come along 😉

      Take care

      Liked by 1 person

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