Tomorrow I’m going back to the city that I adore.
The interview for that top program I got invited to is on Monday. I am scared shitless and unprepared. Just getting invited to this place is awesome. Matching there is….unimaginable to me. That is, if I like it. I might run out of there on Monday at the end of the day hating the place, so who knows? Either way, I want to give off a decent impression. I don’t know if I have what it takes, to be honest. They tell you to just be yourself, but is “myself” really enough for these people?
Unfortunately, I won’t be staying with the Russian. Actually, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to see him. Apparently, he’ll be in his home city for the weekend, so I’ll have to stay at a hotel (there goes the money I had managed to save up so far). I don’t know where I stand right now with him.
The week I spent with the Russian went great. I enjoyed my time with him very much. It was all good at first, but then the two last days I don’t know what happened. He saw the ugly side of me and I saw the ugly side of him, which is fine…thing is, I don’t know whether he’s still interested or not since we had a bittersweet goodbye and we’ve barely spoken this week.
So, those last two days he showed me a side of him that I wasn’t very fond of, mainly because it reminded me of the Ex. We went shopping and I freaked out thinking he might have an obsession with money like the Ex did after I saw how he behaved at the mall. I even asked him how important money was to him. I think that pretty much prepped me up for a bad day, as I spent the day really quiet, triggered, and on edge. He noticed I was abnormally quiet and I had no other way of responding except “I’m ok”.
By the end of the day I was pissed as I was tired and hungry and that’s never a good combination with me. He’d already said a few comments during the day that kind of ruined the moment. When we got back to his apartment he said something that made me snap because I felt unappreciated and again, it reminded me of the Ex. And unfortunately I couldn’t hold it in anymore: I started crying.
He noticed I was crying in the bed and he lay next to me, holding me. I was trapped. I had to give him an explanation for my random crying. And so, I said it: “I was abused for 5 years.” Then I went on to explain that I can be very sensitive to things that make me feel slightly unappreciated and that all of this was new to me as I had never dated anyone long-term since the abuse.
He was great about it. He was quiet for a bit and then we ended up talking about how abuse is no stranger to him, as his closest friend is currently entwined in an abuse-related situation. He was then vulnerable with me and answered my question about the importance he places on money and explained that he didn’t have an obsession with money or brands, but he liked quality things, as his family lived in extreme poverty when he was young. I think I just phrased it terribly, but the point I’m trying to get across is that he was open to me just as I was open to him….and I appreciated that so much because I hadn’t seen him be so vulnerable with me before.
He then told me that what I said didn’t change how he saw me (after I asked him). A bunch of points in his favor there.
Then, before I left for my first interview (where I’m currently at), I asked him whether he would mind my coming back to stay with him this very same week. And he didn’t like the idea. That took me by surprise. He tried to explain he had to clean his apartment and that after a week it was so dirty…blah blah. I was kind of hurt and left him with a cold kiss, but then after I left I realized what he said was code for: “I just need a break to be alone in my own apartment again.” So, I texted him:
Whether or not it’s true, I took his triple hearts response to mean: “Thank you for understanding.”
This week he’s been super busy catching up with work. He knows I have an interview back in the city on Monday and was open to my staying with him again. So, I texted him to confirm:
“On the same page” is an internal joke we have for when I asked him whether he was looking for serious dating or just fooling around, and “72” is the “right answer” if you want to call it that. I wrote him a few things after that, including that I don’t know when I’ll be coming back to the city and that I’m excited to see “what’s in page 73”. Again, that’s another internal joke. When I was with him last week he said he wanted to see what was “in pages 73, 74, and in the next chapters”.
But he hasn’t answered. No surprise there, he’s terrible at paying attention to his phone and I was witness to that during the last week. Of course, that doesn’t work well with the Borderline in me…
I don’t know. I’m so confused. I hate dating. I hate it so much. I don’t know what to make of his silence and I’m probably reading too much into it.
But yeah, I like this guy so far. There were those bumps where he reminded me of the Ex, but I’m sure that will happen with any guy I date, due to the fact that the Ex was unfortunately my first “everything”. I mean, his being a man reminds me of the Ex, for chrissakes.
I’m just so insecure and so weak…and I think he can sniff it on me. I was so strong during my visiting rotation at the city when we first met, so protective of myself and my heart, but now that I was with him this week all that went to shambles and I’ve gotten so…dependent. I’m back to being a weak mush with no personality and mildly depressed.
I’m all alone in this strange non-walkable city right now, missing him, wanting to make things right with him, with severe black/white thinking and uninspired to be a psychiatrist. I’m afraid of getting even more depressed because I feel I have no support. There’s no G or R here obviously, and I’m incredibly pissed at MM and how she’s distanced herself from the family for the past two months. I have my friends, but they’re not quite cutting it right now, much less since they can’t be here physically. I have no one. In a span of days my mood went from great to crap. My mood was great the day of the interview, but the loneliness got to me now.
And I need that strength back you guys. The interview at the top program is on Monday, the pre-interview dinner is on Sunday….I mean, how the hell am I going to convince them I’m a good candidate if I can’t get that strength back?
I am so worried. And depressed. But I haven’t reached the point of no return. I just have to figure out a way of returning. 😦