How do I find my way back?

Tomorrow I’m going back to the city that I adore.

The interview for that top program I got invited to is on Monday. I am scared shitless and unprepared. Just getting invited to this place is awesome. Matching there is….unimaginable to me. That is, if I like it. I might run out of there on Monday at the end of the day hating the place, so who knows? Either way, I want to give off a decent impression. I don’t know if I have what it takes, to be honest. They tell you to just be yourself, but is “myself” really enough for these people?

Unfortunately, I won’t be staying with the Russian. Actually, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to see him. Apparently, he’ll be in his home city for the weekend, so I’ll have to stay at a hotel (there goes the money I had managed to save up so far). I don’t know where I stand right now with him.

The week I spent with the Russian went great. I enjoyed my time with him very much. It was all good at first, but then the two last days I don’t know what happened. He saw the ugly side of me and I saw the ugly side of him, which is fine…thing is, I don’t know whether he’s still interested or not since we had a bittersweet goodbye and we’ve barely spoken this week.

So, those last two days he showed me a side of him that I wasn’t very fond of, mainly because it reminded me of the Ex. We went shopping and I freaked out thinking he might have an obsession with money like the Ex did after I saw how he behaved at the mall. I even asked him how important money was to him. I think that pretty much prepped me up for a bad day, as I spent the day really quiet, triggered, and on edge. He noticed I was abnormally quiet and I had no other way of responding except “I’m ok”.

By the end of the day I was pissed as I was tired and hungry and that’s never a good combination with me. He’d already said a few comments during the day that kind of ruined the moment. When we got back to his apartment he said something that made me snap because I felt unappreciated and again, it reminded me of the Ex. And unfortunately I couldn’t hold it in anymore: I started crying.

He noticed I was crying in the bed and he lay next to me, holding me. I was trapped. I had to give him an explanation for my random crying. And so, I said it: “I was abused for 5 years.” Then I went on to explain that I can be very sensitive to things that make me feel slightly unappreciated and that all of this was new to me as I had never dated anyone long-term since the abuse.

He was great about it. He was quiet for a bit and then we ended up talking about how abuse is no stranger to him, as his closest friend is currently entwined in an abuse-related situation. He was then vulnerable with me and answered my question about the importance he places on money and explained that he didn’t have an obsession with money or brands, but he liked quality things, as his family lived in extreme poverty when he was young. I think I just phrased it terribly, but the point I’m trying to get across is that he was open to me just as I was open to him….and I appreciated that so much because I hadn’t seen him be so vulnerable with me before.

He then told me that what I said didn’t change how he saw me (after I asked him). A bunch of points in his favor there.

Then, before I left for my first interview (where I’m currently at), I asked him whether he would mind my coming back to stay with him this very same week. And he didn’t like the idea. That took me by surprise. He tried to explain he had to clean his apartment and that after a week it was so dirty…blah blah. I was kind of hurt and left him with a cold kiss, but then after I left I realized what he said was code for: “I just need a break to be alone in my own apartment again.” So, I texted him:

Screenshot_2015-11-05-21-15-53

Whether or not it’s true, I took his triple hearts response to mean: “Thank you for understanding.”

This week he’s been super busy catching up with work. He knows I have an interview back in the city on Monday and was open to my staying with him again. So, I texted him to confirm:

Screenshot_2015-11-06-16-11-49

“Oh ok” is code for “WTF I’M GONNA HAVE TO SPEND $400 ON A HOTEL NOW AND I DON’T GET TO SEE YOU EITHER???!!!”

“On the same page” is an internal joke we have for when I asked him whether he was looking for serious dating or just fooling around, and “72” is the “right answer” if you want to call it that. I wrote him a few things after that, including that I don’t know when I’ll be coming back to the city and that I’m excited to see “what’s in page 73”. Again, that’s another internal joke. When I was with him last week he said he wanted to see what was “in pages 73, 74, and in the next chapters”.

But he hasn’t answered. No surprise there, he’s terrible at paying attention to his phone and I was witness to that during the last week. Of course, that doesn’t work well with the Borderline in me…

Whenever he takes longer than 5 minutes to answer. No joke.

Whenever he takes longer than 5 minutes to answer. No joke.

I don’t know. I’m so confused. I hate dating. I hate it so much. I don’t know what to make of his silence and I’m probably reading too much into it.

But yeah, I like this guy so far. There were those bumps where he reminded me of the Ex, but I’m sure that will happen with any guy I date, due to the fact that the Ex was unfortunately my first “everything”. I mean, his being a man reminds me of the Ex, for chrissakes.

I’m just so insecure and so weak…and I think he can sniff it on me. I was so strong during my visiting rotation at the city when we first met, so protective of myself and my heart, but now that I was with him this week all that went to shambles and I’ve gotten so…dependent. I’m back to being a weak mush with no personality and mildly depressed.

I’m all alone in this strange non-walkable city right now, missing him, wanting to make things right with him, with severe black/white thinking and uninspired to be a psychiatrist. I’m afraid of getting even more depressed because I feel I have no support. There’s no G or R here obviously, and I’m incredibly pissed at MM and how she’s distanced herself from the family for the past two months. I have my friends, but they’re not quite cutting it right now, much less since they can’t be here physically. I have no one. In a span of days my mood went from great to crap. My mood was great the day of the interview, but the loneliness got to me now.

And I need that strength back you guys. The interview at the top program is on Monday, the pre-interview dinner is on Sunday….I mean, how the hell am I going to convince them I’m a good candidate if I can’t get that strength back?

I am so worried. And depressed. But I haven’t reached the point of no return. I just have to figure out a way of returning. 😦

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7 comments
  1. “I am scared shitless and unprepared.”

    Whenever I hear those words in my mind, I usually like to answer, “Well, when am I not?” And then I laugh at myself and think about all of the things I’ve done to get myself to this point, all of the things I was scared shitless about and completely unprepared for. And then I realize that “scared shitless” and “unprepared” is the natural way I approach a situation, and somehow it works. I just stumble into getting things done while scared shitless and unprepared.

    “They tell you to just be yourself, but is β€œmyself” really enough for these people?”

    The only thing you need to concern yourself with is that first part. Be yourself. As to the question of whether it’ll be enough for them, you can’t control that anyway, you can’t control them. Realistically, all you can do is be yourself and not give a shit, and things will happen the way they happen. (Oh yeah, I’m getting real here. So real. Like, really real. You can tell by how many times I’ve used the word “real.”)

    Also, I wish I could give you relationship advice, but I am so unqualified for that. I’ve never been in a relationship. All I can maybe gather is that he needs time to process things, which is why he wants to be alone and busy with work. Again, you can’t control him, only you. All you can do is allow him to decide on doing whatever he ends up deciding on doing, and be okay with it, whatever way it ends up going.

    “And I need that strength back you guys. The interview at the top program is on Monday, the pre-interview dinner is on Sunday….I mean, how the hell am I going to convince them I’m a good candidate if I can’t get that strength back?”

    Tell me, what were you when you found your strength in the first place? You were weak. You were depressed. You were alone. You were worried. And yet you found your strength. Someone else didn’t give you strength; you found it within yourself. You came to realize that even though you were weak, you could gain strength, a little at a time. You came to realize that even though you were depressed, you could gain strength, a little at a time. You came to realize that even though you were alone, you could gain strength, a little at a time. You came to realize that even through your worries and fears, you could gain strength, a little at a time.

    And since someone didn’t give you strength, then someone can’t take it away from you, meaning that it’s still there, inside you. Maybe you think you’ve lost it, but you haven’t; you’ve simply turned away from it, been distracted from it, and forgotten that it’s there. But I assure you that it is there. It’s been there all along. And even if you don’t feel it now, I promise you that it will be there for you when you need it.

    When Sunday comes, when you go to that pre-interview dinner, that strength inside will rise up from within you and say, “Remember me? I’m still here. I’m you, still strong.” When Monday comes, when you go to that interview, that strength inside will rise up from within you and say, “Remember me? Yeah, I was here yesterday, and the day before, and the day before. In fact, I’ve always been here, I’m with you now, and I’ll always be with you. I’m you, always strong.”

    There’s nothing that you have to try to get back because there’s nothing that you’ve lost. All you have to do is close your eyes, take a breath, and listen for those words that will bring a smile to your face: “Remember me? I’m still here. I’ll always be with you. I’m you. I’m your strength. You are your own strength.”

    Look back and you’ll see that every moment of weakness, every moment of depression, every moment of loneliness, every moment of worry and fear, those moments challenged you to be strong, and you were. You always were and you always will be, no matter what the challenge is this time. A dinner is just a dinner. An interview is just an interview. You’ve survived much worse, through the strength that rose up within you exactly when you needed it.

    When you need that strength, it will be there. I promise you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gabriel,

      Wow. That is all I can say. You’ve truly left me speechless this time around. As in, I read your comment last night and I teared up (in a good way). Thank you. Thank you so so much. I didn’t respond last night because I wanted to let your words simmer for a while, let them be my spark of inspiration.

      You made me realize something important that I keep forgetting when becoming involved with crushes/dates/men: that before them comes me. Sounds stupid right? But I need some reminding every now and then. Thanks to your words I was able to put the Russian aside and get excited about this whole process again at least for today. And that’s really all I needed: a little push. I tend to put everyone before myself, especially when I have a love interest.

      I’ll probably need some reminding again soon, but I decided to save your words for later πŸ˜‰ Do you mind if I use your comment in a post? I think a lot of people would benefit from this.

      You are so special. Really.

      Much love your way,
      xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for the kind words. I’m tearing up too now.

        Anyway, yeah, you’re welcome to use anything I write in a post at any time. You have my forever permission.

        And no, it doesn’t sound stupid. It’s just what it is.

        Glad I could help you. That’s why I’m still here, I guess. πŸ˜‰

        Love to you too. πŸ™‚

        Like

  2. saturdaystarters said:

    Hi Dana,

    I stumbled across your blog unexpectedly while I was Googling if a particular sentence is grammatically correct (funny enough), and I’m so glad I found you. For hours I’ve been reading through your old posts, and everything resonated so strongly with me – the depression, anxiety, BPD, self-harm, therapy sessions, issues with men… I only wish I could express them all as well as you did.

    I just wanted to share a bit more about myself and my mental illness – it started in 2010, I thought it hit me hard in 2011, but I’m currently at my lowest after going through my first real heartbreak a few months ago. I am currently living with the constant reminders of things I have done that I’m not proud of, and these unwanted flashbacks are taking a toll on my life at the moment. I’m still struggling to recover, in fact I am still trying to come to terms with the idea of ‘recovery’ because there never seem to be a way out of mental illness, anxiety and self-harming, at least for me.

    I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this world. And thank you for being you Dana, you have no idea how different your blog has made me feel and I don’t even know why.

    Love,
    A new reader of yours πŸ™‚

    P.S.: I’m commenting on this post instead of your latest one because I’ve been stuck on this comment for almost a week now, feeling nervous about posting it for reasons I’m not quite sure…

    Like

    • Hi there,

      First off, sorry for taking a full 5 days to answer. My internet access has been crappy this week.

      Thank you so much for reaching out. Your way of finding my blog was definitely unexpected and I found it so funny. But I’m glad you found it and you liked it, most of all that it resonated with you. It’s always been my goal to make at least one person feel less alone by keeping up this blog πŸ™‚

      I’m sorry to hear about your troubles with mental illness and that you’re undergoing a particularly difficult moment right now. Have you sought out help? And not just in terms of mental health professionals, but even from friends, acquaintances, family, etc. You’re not alone, and sometimes our illnesses make us forget that. Reach out to others even if it takes away all your energy.

      You know, I struggled with the idea of recovery too for quite a while. For me it was more of a “Do I even want to recover?” type of situation. I would say what helped was taking away that pressure of “recovering”. I mean, “recovery” is such a strong word and it can be intimidating even if you know it’s what’s best for you. Take it one day at a time, as corny as it sounds. Baby steps will make all the difference and strive to at least feel better than you did 5 minutes ago. Slowly you’ll start finding out what works for you to keep all the pain at bay.

      Again, thank you for reaching out to me. I really appreciate it so much. And I wish you the best in managing your pain. Know that you have a friend here and if ever you need to reach out, please do so. I’ll be here listening ❀

      Take care, and I hope to hear more from you.

      Like

      • saturdaystarters said:

        Ah, I just took equally long to reply to this, sorry about that…

        It’s rather difficult for me, because my family actually doesn’t know anything about my mental health, nor knows that I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist. I live in Asia and I have very traditional parents… Mental illnesses are often frowned upon or considered a disgrace in their traditional beliefs. They have this idea that I was born with a good set of genes, so it is unacceptable to have things go wrong (say if I were to be lesbian or something). I guess part of the problem probably stems from my family. I am also a different person (a crazy happy girl) in front of my family members because I have a younger sister I care about – she’s probably the only reason why I’m still alive right now. I have opened up to some friends and lost them as a result, so I eventually stopped reaching out to people around me. Mental health is so stigmatised, especially so in my country. So yea, I have a no-suicide-agreement with my therapist and everything’s been a secret.

        Thank you for that, I have also been telling myself to just take small steps, but I slide back every single time. So I question why I am even bothering to go up when I’m only going to slide back. I know I have to look at sliding back less each time, but it’s just so difficult.

        Your blog gives me strength – you are such a strong girl Dana. Sending you some love from across the globe β™‘

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hey love, no worries about the time frame πŸ˜‰

        I’m very sorry to hear about how much stigma has affected you, to the point of losing friendships. That’s never easy to go through. However, I think you should be very proud of yourself for looking for help in spite of your pain. You reached out, that in itself is a lot. And, you’re seeing a therapist, which is wonderful. I think that says a lot about your own strength. I mean, it’s not easy confiding in a total stranger. But I’m sure your therapist has your best interest at heart. You’ve already taken a huge babystep by seeking professional help, even if it’s a secret. You’re taking care of yourself, and trust me, that’s a lot going your way.

        As for taking baby steps and then falling behind, think of it this way….let’s say you take a baby step, then in effect you do fall behind again….you’re still in a different place than you were initially. You fell, but now you have the experience of having stood up for yourself once…so you can keep on doing it again and again. It’s not so much about reaching perfection when it comes to getting better, but reaching a place where you can maintain your stability and happiness were something to knock you back down.

        If ever you need to talk, feel free to comment here, and you can also email me at borderlinemed(at)gmail(dot)com. You’ve got a friend here πŸ˜‰

        Much love your way.

        Like

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