A few minutes after my previous post I got an interview invite. And not just any interview invite, you guys. I got an interview invite to a renowned program in this city. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought they’d do anything but toss my application into the bin. I’m still in shock. I was almost happy crying yesterday after getting the email, and I never happy cry.
And what does that mean? It means the same thing I have confirmed over and over again during my short life: that for every down there’s an up and all shitty things launch you into something better. So, the program I had my sights set on, where I did the elective for a month, sent me a rejection, but this top-notch program sent me an interview invite. Of course, it’s not an acceptance into their program (I’d be very surprised if I match there, let alone like it when I interview), but the mere fact they actually invited me to interview is a much needed self-esteem boost for me.
So, that’s that. I’m even more scared shitless for the interview trail now, since it’s going to be my second interview. Advice is still very welcome.
Meanwhile, my time with the Russian here has been great so far. Getting to know him and his quirks is great, the things I like about him and the things I like less.
When we first met I remember him telling me that he wanted to get to know me slowly, like peeling off layers one by one. Meanwhile, I get pretty desperate to know every little detail about him right away. It all has to do with my not wanting nasty surprises down the line that will leave me hurting in a bad way. And when I say nasty surprises, I mean stuff like abuse, violence, or just on the whole being dishonest. I flat out told him honesty is a turn-on for me and that if he’s just himself and is honest with me then he’ll have me in the bag.
These two days that I’ve spent with him I’ve actually liked getting to know him slowly, peeling those layers patiently. I guess it’s a matter of trust. I have no choice but to trust this guy and how he presents himself. Likewise, he can only trust what I have shown him so far. The uncertainty about what I might find down the road scares the shit out of me, but you can’t magically know everything about a person in just a few meetings now, can you? So, we’ll see how all of this goes. I know we both have our dark sides, like any other person.
I saw both G and R this past week. G worked her magic with me and put me back on track like she always does. I don’t remember much of what we discussed, unfortunately.
Meanwhile, with R we talked about the Russian. I told him how I was afraid of him lying to me about being single, how I don’t mind that much if we’re not exclusive at this point where we’re just getting to know each other, but how I would be very incredibly hurt if it turned out he lied to me after I asked him three times already whether he’s truly single. That would set me a few steps back in terms of my progress recovering from the relationshiT.
R asked how I would react if that happened and I told her: “I would tell him to go to hell and fuck off, because I warned him more than once about not wanting to get hurt….and then I’d go cry in a corner.” She responded my reaction is most definitely not the one I had with the Ex back in the day, and the mere fact that I’ve worked so hard at my recovery will protect me from falling into the same trap twice. She said she was proud of my having that reaction if that ever happened.
And, like I mentioned above, she also said that there’s no way for me to know right now whether or not he’s truly single. She said the only option I have for now is to trust what he says. If, down the road, things go sour, then that’s not my fault because he’d be the dishonest one not me.
Trust. Ugh. I have a difficult relationship with trust. Trusting men. Trusting residency admissions committees. I’m expected to trust so many things right now…