The other side of me

Well, since I don’t want to be a complete party pooper, I’ll post some good news first. For some reason I forgot to post this back in September:

I PASSED STEP 2 CK!

And with a decently solid score if I may say so myself. Touché.

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Now that I’ve given you the good news, I’ll give you the party-pooping part of this post: I had a nasty BPD flare-up this weekend.

And guess who it had to do with? You got that right! The Russian of course!

Second weekend in a row it happens, actually. And it was the same thing all over again: apparently he was spending the weekend with his parents (who live in a state nearby) and he barely texted or communicated at all. (Whether or not it’s true that he was with his parents, I’ll just have to believe him on that. Either way, we’re not yet at that stage where we’re totally exclusive so…*shrug*.) Of course, he only informed me of this after the fact…after all the borderline-ness just decided to come by and say “Hey dumbass, I’m still here” and create a messy goo in my head.

So, while The Russian was apparently back in his home city for the weekend, I was wringing my hands and going nuts at home. Abandonment. That pretty much sums it up. The abandonment I felt was so terrible, it just got the best of me. My thinking went literally from realistic to a complete gob of black/white extremes and freakish splitting. My head was filled with: Obviously he’s with someone else. Obviously he’s taken and you’re just the sloppy seconds…because you’re always the side-piece, and you always will be. It’s all you deserve because you’re a pile of shit. You’ve got a sign on your forehead that says ‘use and abuse me’, you idiot.

“You’re the sloppy seconds.” That phrase got stuck in my head the moment the Ex’s wife said it to me. And it’s been there for a few years now. Every time I like a guy it’s what pops automatically into my head. Sad, right? I’ve gotten better at silencing the voices of the Ex (and his wife) this year, but the thoughts are always exacerbated by dates, men, or crushes. See the connection?

So, this past weekend, the thoughts of self-harm and dying were at an all time high again. The negativity, the hatred toward myself, and even some symptoms of depression were there. I was angry at literally everyone. Any slight anger I had toward a certain person got inflated into this nasty monster of hate. I was genuinely and irrevocably pissed out of my damn mind at MM for making me feel abandoned with her lack of communication lately, at R and G for canceling appointments this month, at my two best med school friends for being so busy with residency and not having time for me, and at the Russian for just suddenly disappearing. I was kind of afraid of myself to be honest. I hadn’t felt that amount of pure anger in quite a while.

And here is where the embarrassing part comes along: it all went away in literally one second the moment I received a text from the Russian saying “baby”. That’s all it took. One word and one emoji later, it was as though nothing happened. A switch had gone on during the weekend and the moment the Russian reappeared the switch went back off. Granted, I was withholding my texting and calling as a test to see if he even remotely thought of me. And it took just one word on Sunday night to put the monster back  to sleep.

I am so embarrassed. Why? Because I wasn’t able to calm the BPD down. And I’m afraid of the Russian ever finding out what truly goes on in my head. I’m afraid of him (or any other guy I might date, for that matter) finding out I’m not as calm and composed as I look and I have a dark past and present still going on in my head. I’m afraid of that scaring them away, making them think I’m just some “crazy chick”. It’s all funny in the movies and TV, but it’s not at all funny when you‘re the “crazy chick” in real life.

In summary: I’m afraid of ever having to tell a boyfriend/date/whatever, about my mental illness. I’m simply terrified of it. Will they take a step back in horror and run away for dear life? I hate having secrets, but the fear of abandonment is so strong.

I dropped hints here and there at the Russian back in September. I told him I was having nightmares and it was a long story and I was sorry after my tossing and turning one night didn’t let him sleep. He was worried, and said it was ok. But how am I ever going to bring myself to tell him that the nightmares I was having were of him turning into my abuser while he slept next to me?

How will I ever bring myself to tell him that I’ve had problems with mental illness? How will I ever bring myself to tell him that I have problems with chronic recurrent mental illness and that he might have to deal with that at some point if he so decides to pursue a relationship with me? How to tell him that it’s been drilled into your head that you’re a “piece of shit” and “abusable”? How to tell him he’ll have to deal with stuff like depression, suicide, anger, restricting food, purging, terrible self-image, loss of sex-drive, anxiety, fears of abandonment, and company…and that he can’t do much about it except be a source of support?

How do you tell a guy…that you’re incredibly imperfect?

I’m afraid of my mental illness eventually making me lose a guy who’s actually worth it.

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3 comments
  1. I know how you feel. I think that’s why girls generally keep me at arm’s length; they can sense the ‘mental wrongness’ in me somehow. At least, that’s what I tell myself. I mean, it’s either that as a reason or, “I’m a total loser,” or, “I’m just plain ugly and unattractive.” Pick one or two or all three and you’ll get a basic idea of what constantly goes through my head at random times throughout the day.

    Sure, I’ve become a master at faking a smile for people, faking laughter, faking happiness, faking like everything is just okay every day. On a side note, “I’m a fake,” is a fourth thing that’s been running through my head as well lately.

    So I’ve kind of come to a point now at which I embrace the crazy. I simply say, “If this is me, then this is me, and I’m not wrong for being me.” What’s that ‘bad guy affirmation’ in Wreck-It Ralph? “I’m bad and that’s good. I’m not good and that’s not bad. There’s no one I’d rather be than me.” Seriously, that movie makes me cry every time because of how much I feel I have in common with Ralph.

    That’s why whenever I get the slightest bit comfortable talking with a girl, I’ll actually just find an opportunity to come out and say that I’m crazy. You know, an opportunity like if she asks me if she can help me with anything, I’ll respond, “With this one thing, yes, with all of my mental problems, probably not.” I say it humorously to get her to laugh about it. And I don’t expect her to ever see me as anything more than just someone to talk to. After all, high expectations can lead to high emotions, which can lead to extremely low, depressed moods; especially when things don’t go in my favor, which they usually never do.

    So just being me is what I do now, to the best of my ability, crazy and all. I don’t look for a perfect opportunity to tell someone something about me because there’s not going to be a perfect opportunity, only a somewhat fitting moment in which to do so. And how they react is how they react. If they don’t accept me, that’s fine. I’d rather someone accept me for who I am for real rather than have to keep pretending. That does become a chore, pretending for people.

    The downside to this, of course, is that people are likely to leave you (but if you’re well-versed in abandonment, then that’s not a terribly strange occurrence anyway; it’s just another person who isn’t sticking around — you can probably tell how often I’ve circled the abandonment wheel). The upside, however, is that when you do find someone crazy enough to accept your crazyness, well, then you know it’s for real. Maybe that’s why people like us are the way we are. Maybe we came into our lives needing a test to make sure that those in our lives really accept us for who we are. And maybe we needed a test for ourselves to learn to open our hearts and our true selves to the people whom we wish to be in our lives. Perhaps our imperfections are our road to perfection.

    Oh God, I didn’t go too far off subject, did I? Did any of that make any actual sense?

    Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say in all of that is simply: You’ll find your way through. Trust yourself and you’ll get through anything that comes your way. You know what’s right for you and when the right time is to do something. You need only do it. 🙂

    Oh, and congratulations on passing with a solid score. I knew you had it in you. 😉

    Like

    • Hey there, thanks so much for believing in me. Really, it means so much 🙂 🙂 🙂

      With time I think I’ve gotten better at doing the whole “getting excited about something but not too much”. I’m still working on it, like everything in life, but I’ve gotten better. I allow myself to feel good, because I’ve realized that even if things don’t go as I wanted, usually I’m able to handle the pain of the aftermath (I mean, I’m sill here, right? I think?).

      You’re a wonderful person. You do you. If you show people in your life the attitude and goodness that you show here, you’ll do great. And those who don’t see that are just plain idiots and not worth your attention. Sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth: be yourself, push yourself a bit when necessary, but if you show the good side of you then people (including girls!) will come your way.

      I think being forward with your troubles with mental illness is a good thing, but do remember that others need time to process that kind of stuff. Especially someone you’re crushing on, or feel a kind of attraction towards. Get to know them. Let them get to know you. Let them see that good side of yours, who you *really* are. Then, when they’ve seen your true self, you can add the dark details that don’t define *you*. Let’s put it this way: a wonderful person might get involved in a car accident that left with them with an ugly scar, but the scar doesn’t change the wonderful person they were to begin with, right? (I hope I made sense.)

      So, in summary, yes, be yourself. Yes, don’t be afraid of stigma and be forward about what makes you *you*. But do remember that not everyone processes these things at the same rate. Some need more time than others. And the ones that process it and stay by your side…those are the keepers 😉

      And, sometimes it seems like the keepers never seem to get to you. But don’t lose the faith. They’ll arrive in your life when you least expect it.

      Hugs to you, much love your way xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you. 🙂

        Yes, you made perfect sense.

        I’m glad you’re still here. Keep on keeping on. 🙂

        Like

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