So. I’m back home. Been here for a week. So far things have gone ok.
My visiting rotation went great. It was an awesome experience. I hope I didn’t make a complete fool of myself because I liked the program and the residents so much I’d be happy to match there for residency.
When I got back home this week I was so angry, though. Angry because I was back here in my status quo. I’ve had a love affair for a few years now with the city where I did the visiting rotation, and so, coming back here was….frustrating. I don’t fit in here at all. I’ve outgrown this place, honestly. I outgrew it long ago, but it wasn’t until now that I finally accepted it without feeling selfish or like some traitor.
The other city had become my reality for a month, and going back here and being slapped in the face with my actual reality was difficult for me. It was like a bucket of ice-cold water. I’m tired of the same people here, the same problems, the same conversations, environment, and situations over and over again.
Some people fit in where they were born, but I guess that’s not my case.
My parents are in denial of my wanting to leave for residency. I haven’t told them that I am zero percent interested in staying here, but I’ve left clues here and there. Mom recently asked me whether I was more interested in leaving to another city or staying here, and I told her I wanted to leave. I love them, and feel bad leaving them behind, but I have to and want to live my life. They’re going through the whole “empty nest” thing now, since I’m the last of us four siblings to leave home. But they’ll survive. Their well-being can’t be dependent on my physical presence, just as my well-being can’t depend on theirs.
But I’m ok so far. I’ve managed. And I think it has to do a lot with knowing that my time left here is limited. In November I’ll begin the interview trail for residency, so I’ll be traveling all over the country. And after that, I’d love to go traveling somewhere once I finish the classes I have left to graduate. And after that, it’s residency time….which hopefully will be far away from here.
Speaking of interviews and residency, I submitted ERAS. And I have two interviews scheduled already. I’m not that interested in those two programs, but I still can’t believe someone actually thought I was awesome enough to interview. I’m cooler than I thought, apparently! (As cool as a total geek could possibly be.)
Now I’m just crossing my fingers the programs I’m actually interested in won’t throw my application in the bin now that my dean’s letter is out.
I still can’t believe I’m going to be called “Doctor” in a few months. That’s fucking crazy. I mean, seriously, I don’t know anything! Who would trust little me?! Heck, I don’t trust me! It’s surreal to think this med school journey will be over soon and I’ll actually be responsible (and liable) for real people’s health. That right there people, is fucking insane. I mean, I’m just a girl in her twenties trying to figure out this whole “life” and “adulting” thing. I still have trouble remembering the right settings when I’m doing my laundry so I don’t ruin my clothes.
Holy crap guys………what have I gotten myself into??