Well well well…I’m back guys.
I’m hating myself for not posting for so long. But I think it was necessary. I’m in a great place right now, as opposed to where I was in my last post. I like to think of where I am right now as “starting over” yet again. A lot has happened. Let’s update y’all, shall we?
I finished my psychiatry sub-I in August, and literally the same day, I took a plane to an awesome city, where I’m doing a visiting rotation. First week was difficult, what with all my dumb mistakes and learning the ropes. Second week was good, lots of improvement in terms of knowing how to do things and just feeling more confident in my abilities and work ethic. The psychiatry program at this hospital seems solid so far. The residents I’ve met are awesome. I fit in well great with them so far and have had interesting discussions and conversations, in addition to feeling comfortable to just joke around with them. They don’t look dead tired or overworked, and seem to be normal people, which is great because I’ll definitely be applying to this program now. That’s so effin awesome. I love this city since years ago and would honestly LOVE doing residency here.
My attending is kind of a pain in the ass. Sometimes I like him, sometimes I hate him. It all boils down to my not being confident enough and continuing to learn to take criticism gracefully (something I’ve always had trouble with).
The times I’ve had suicidal thoughts here are so few I can count them with just a few fingers. The thoughts were mainly the first few days, when I had to deal with an unexpected situation with my previous Airbnb host, who went MIA out of the blue. I found another place quickly and am super glad I did.
Also, this week is when the dreaded residency application period begins. On September 15th, ERAS opens up for application submissions guys. OMFG….I am literally freaking out. The first time I opened up ERAS to begin working on my application I freaked out as soon as I had to choose specialty to search for residency programs. Holy shit….do I REALLY want to be a psychiatrist??? Why not neurology? Or PM&R? Or internal medicine? OMFG…what the hell am I even doing????!!!
I’m still working on my personal statement. The worst part of it all. I still don’t know how much to explain or not explain in terms of my leave of absence. I used the phrase “my mental health was affected” in both ERAS and the personal statement, but made it a point that it was an EPISODE and that I learned A SHITLOAD from it, like rekindling my love for medicine and that I’m an all too imperfect human being (and how to manage further episodes…but they don’t need to know that). I didn’t lie, but I’m not going to pour my soul out and ruin my chances either. I think it explains enough without giving away too many details. And really, if they want to know more, they’ll just ask during the interviews. Plus, if a program isn’t willing to accept me as I am (mental health problems and all), then that program really doesn’t deserve me. If a program isn’t willing to accept my human-ness, then fuck them.
It’s all so scary, though. It scares me, how the LoA will look in my application and whether I’ll get interviews where I want to, like the city I’m in right now. The LoA is literally the only big red flag in my application.
Guys, I met someone. Forget about Gustav. He ended up using my story of abuse as an excuse to not explore things further. It was asshole-ish of him, but at the same time I know he was right in saying I deserved something/someone better than him. So, really, we’re in good terms. But nothing’s gonna happen there. And I’m glad nothing’s going to happen because there’s this new guy…
And he is….amazing so far. I really really like him. Four dates so far and so much has happened in those four dates, it’s ridiculous. The more I get to know him, the more I like him. And you know what’s new? He actually texts me, makes plans, sticks to them, and is genuinely interested. I’m not used to this kind of attention. Usually it’s me doing the chasing. But I like it.
And we’re on the same page….as in, he’s looking to explore things long-term and not just looking for fun. I’m so excited to continue exploring things with him and getting to know him. Looking forward to it.
I’m excited you guys…I’m so ridiculously excited….and….