I finally have a decent chunk of time to post. Sorry for going MIA there for a bit and sorry if I didn’t respond to your comments. Rest assured, I read them all and they are greatly appreciated.
I’ve had a few interesting things happen lately. Last week I began a psychiatry rotation (a sub-internship, for those of you who are med students and actually read this blog). Surprisingly enough, I was assigned to the adolescent unit at the hospital instead of having adult patients like I thought I would. I’ve already learned a lot about teenagers and how to talk to them….and I constantly feel like an old lady, but I’m ok with that. The other day one of my patients noticed my gray hairs and told me not to dye my hair because it gives me character. Uhh…thanks?
Mind-wise, I think I’m doing good again. I think the mini slip-up I had there for about two weeks was simply due to burnout from Step 2 CK, feeling abandoned by R and G, and the sudden change in routine from one rotation to the next. Food-wise I’ve been having more challenges, but whatever, I’m dealing. Restricted a bunch there for about a week, and now I’m just managing. To be honest, right now I don’t care much about eating disordered thoughts, anorexia, or whatever.
And, finally, I get around to the most interesting news I wanted to deliver: I went on a date.
And I got a second date. And I had fun in both dates, if you know what I mean by “fun”. *Wink*
We’ll call him Gustav, after the late Carl Jung, which should also give you a clue as to his line of work. So, needless to say, we both share a deep interest in mental health. We’ve known each other since my early college days, but lost contact for a few years and only recently reconnected via facebook. He asked me out on a date back in the day but I said no because I was involved in the relationshiT at the time. But this time around I said yes.
And I honestly wasn’t that interested in him, was actually thinking he was a douchebag and simply said yes to the date to catch up, have fun, and go out and be single and free. But the date went great. And we went for round 2. And round 2 was even better, involved lots of cuddling in a park while the sun was setting. He’s a few years older than me, which initially made me apprehensive because I instantly thought of the Ex. But I quickly reminded myself that I’m an pseudo-adult now, and the age difference between him and I (or power difference) is nowhere near as much as it was between the Ex and I.
However, I don’t want to dwell too much on it. He isn’t looking for anything serious right now because he’s got job offers both in the US and overseas, so he doesn’t know what his future status will be. Plus, he’s here on vacation only. We agreed on just having fun and making the most of what time we have together for now.
I guess I’m ok with that, rationally, that is. It’s bittersweet because I really wish we could take things further, but my mind tells me it’s not remotely worth it now because we both have uncertain futures. He doesn’t know where he’ll end up, and neither do I as I enter the rat-race that is residency applications, the interview trail, and the match. I’m just letting things flow, I guess, and if something comes of it, then great. It’s frustrating, though. The timing couldn’t be any shittier career-wise, for both of us (however, mind-wise, for me, the timing is great).
As for the “fun” we had…I thought I was going to go into freakout mode, but everything went smoothly. Other than having sudden pangs of fear and mini flashbacks when I had my back to him while cuddling, everything else was great. I took small measures to make sure I didn’t go into flashback mode, like looking at his face, scratching his beard (the Ex didn’t have much of a beard, so doing that grounded me).
And, on date #2, I went so far as to tell him about the Ex. I took some liberty in doing this due to how conversation had gone between us so far, and I wanted him to know that if ever something weird happened with me, it wasn’t because of him, but rather because I’m still having a battle in my mind while dealing with the A-word. Plus, I trust him after knowing him so many years.
And his reaction was nothing short of amazing. I couldn’t have asked for more.
So, I have two ways of looking at this situation:
A) I become a sad mess because I can’t build something with this guy, not now at least. And maybe never, actually, because although he gives signs of being very interested in me, he’s not interested in a relationship.
B) I take it as it is, and just enjoy it, knowing that he’s already given me way more than he realizes: the joy of knowing that I’m fully capable of being with a man both intimately and on an emotional plane even after what I’ve been through.
It’s a tough one. Heart vs. mind.