Disgusting fat in my stomach

Just had lunch about an hour ago and I’ve been antsy for the whole hour because I want to purge so bad. Just sitting here, writing my patient notes was a distraction but I’m done with my work for now and I have no distraction. I can feel the horrible distension, fullness, feeling like there’s food in the back of my throat, gag reflex just waiting to be activated. But no, I’m at hospital and the only semi-private bathroom is in the resident’s area, and there’s residents there right now. Plus, I feel way too much shame even considering purging at hospital. But god, this feeling of fullness is just intolerable and so DISGUSTING. I can’t take it anymore. Plus, I purged on Monday, I don’t want to do it twice in a week.

Crossing my fingers the fullness will go away sooner rather than later so I can continue semi-restricting.

This is pathetic. But I also can’t stop.

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10 comments
  1. I’m sorry – this must feel horrible. Do you have any self-talk you can draw on at these moments? Anything about loving yourself, being understanding with yourself, letting this meal you just ate nourish you? I feel this wish to help you out but of course I may be saying the most irrelevant or even annoying things. Just know I am out there thinking of you in your distress and hoping it grows easier.
    — Q.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey hun, how could I ever mind your kind words??? I really appreciate your advice, seriously. Sometimes I manage to do some positive self-talk, so I guess that’s progress right? And reading and commenting is help in and of itself. Much love your way ❤

      Like

  2. Perhaps a good distraction would be to ask questions.

    For example, whenever I feel depressed, I ask myself questions. “Why do I feel depressed?” “What may have triggered it, if anything?” And then whatever answer I come up with, I say to myself, “That’s the surface answer, the answer my mind is willing to give me so I’ll hopefully accept it and won’t dig any further.” Following this, I ask myself the same question again, expecting to get the real answer. It might take some practice to open up to yourself on a deeper level than you’re accustomed to, but it should get you critically thinking about the “why” of the things that you’re feeling, taking your mind at least somewhat off of the things that you’re feeling.

    In other words, this is a way of separating myself from the feelings so I can look at them from more of an outside point of view, but one that has insider knowledge of myself. I do this while intentionally not getting angry or sad or thinking that I’m pathetic or what I’m doing is pathetic, but simply looking at things just as they are without judgment, without fear. It’s a way of stopping and saying to myself, “I acknowledge these feelings for what they are and I’m not afraid of them.”

    Then I ask, “Why should I let that make me feel this way?” I mean, it may not have been my choice to drop into depression. It may not have been my choice to feel the things that triggered it. But it’s certainly my choice now to determine how I feel in this moment. Do I want to empower those negative feelings, the things that keep me down? Or do I want to play an image in my mind of me dancing embarrassingly to a song I like and then laugh at myself and say, “God, I do the stupidest things?”

    I don’t know if any of this helps, but it’s what I do to distract myself and work away from the negative things I’m feeling and choosing what I want to feel instead.

    Again, I don’t know if this helps, but good luck and please feel better as you work through these things you’re going through. I know you can do it. I believe in you. 🙂

    By the way, feel free to ignore everything I’ve said if you think I’m full of crap. I won’t think bad about you. Just don’t ignore the last two sentences:

    I know you can do it.

    I believe in you.

    And certainly, please, don’t ignore that smile. That smile’s for you. 🙂

    Like

    • Hey! I’m so sorry to have taken so long to get back to you, but rest assured I did NOT ignore your comment. I could never do that 😉

      I love what you mention here, seriously. You know, I’ve unconsciously been doing that lately. I hadn’t realized it until I read your comment. I guess it’s a variation of what I do whenever I want to self-harm, the whole “stopping myself and asking why” thing. As always, you are so insightful and kind.

      And really, thank you for believing in me. Sometimes it’s difficult to do it for myself, so it means the world to me.

      And here’s a smile for you! 🙂 Much love your way! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haha! Don’t worry about the length of time. Thank you for replying. And thank you for the kind words. 🙂

        As always, much love your way too! 🙂

        Like

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