Give me a break

I finally got myself to sit down and focus on studying for Step 2 CK. I’ve been studying on-and-off since February…but way more “off” than “on”, unfortunately.

June 30th is the day. That’s not enough time, but I honestly can’t afford to change the test date a third time. And, I don’t want to change it. I’m sick of moving it around, playing around with it. So, I’m taking a risk (for now). Wish me luck. I’ll need lots of it.

My determination was caused, of course, by a bit of drama. I don’t like to call what happens in my life “drama”, since I despise the word, but I can’t find another term for “there’s always something happening”. So, I’ll stick to “drama” for now.

The drama has been nonstop during these past weeks. I haven’t been doing well, due to both my lack of sleep and the shitty environment at home. I feel like my parents are pulling me from both sides, and it’s kind of driving me nuts (more nuts than I already am, ha!).

Then yesterday I saw G and I was in such a horrible state that it prompted the infamous “Do you think you need to be hospitalized?” conversation. I had barely slept, couldn’t put my thoughts or words together, and felt an incredible level of mad rage. I was tense, thinking about death, and spiking every sentence with more swear words than usual. But, no hospital for me, thankfully. (As a side note: I’ve kind of learned to unconsciously wait the death thoughts out. Either that or taking a nap. Sounds stupid, but it’s saved me quite a lot of times.)

G emphasized the need for me to focus on the important stuff right now: Step 2 CK and Step 2 CK (plus, Step 2 CK). She told me that it’s absolutely necessary for me to place boundaries with my parents. And she called the relationship with my mom “codependent”, which pissed me off but only because I know it’s kind of true.

She said the plan was to “go to your dance class so you’ll have an outlet for the rage, and then go straight home to study”.

But of course I didn’t do that.

I mean, the studying part. There’s no way in hell I was going to miss my dance class because, priorities.

But I didn’t do much studying yesterday because once I got home after seeing G, the rage just kept building up and up and up. I snapped when I realized the TV is on at home 24/7. Yeah, that itty bitty detail was what made me snap.

Thing is, I’m very sensitive to external stimuli, especially auditory stimuli. Having the TV on 24/7 at home has me on edge constantly. I can’t live like that. My parents have turned into zombies. All my dad does is watch TV (remember he had his back surgery, so he’s still not working), while my mom watches TV at night…..both watch TV at a ridiculously high volume.

So, I snapped. Though, there was no nuclear word vomit like the other day (thankfully). I did the following:

I went to dance class (because, priorities) and then went straight to the apartment where MM and her husband are staying.

G suggested the idea, and the more thought I gave to it the more logical it seemed. MM and her husband are positive energy for me, there’s no noise messing around with my brain, and I don’t have my parents pushing and pulling me. A perfect environment for studying.

Except for my dogs. Geez, I miss my dogs so much and it’s barely been 24 hours. They’re my little rays of life.

So, here I am, in my little safe haven, for now. I’ll probably be going back and forth between here and home in the coming days.

Thing is, I felt horribly guilty yesterday. So horribly guilty! Why? Because I felt I was being a traitor to my mom, in a certain way (and also to dad, but less so). I felt I was being a terrible daughter for putting myself first, for listening to G and being “selfish in a good way”. I felt I was abandoning them….and the dogs.

And that’s when I realized the relationship with my mom has turned way more codependent than it was before. And I really don’t want that to happen. I need to live my life. I love my parents to pieces, but I can’t stop living for them.

If only it were that easy.

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