My appointment with G this week went great. I was in a surprisingly good mood, even dressed nicely for the appointment and the errands I was doing before that. She noticed, and found it odd. I got a hint that maybe she found it a bit unsettling, even. Considering the nuclear word vomit that happened two days previously, my good mood was most definitely odd.
I guess I just felt kind of calm and numb, like the shock you get after a natural disaster or some really really good news. However, I guess she had reason to be unsettled, because the next day was a mess.
The next day I saw R, and I was in a horrible mood. Completely the opposite of what G saw. I didn’t really know why I was in a bad mood, though R inferred that it probably had to do with my having a lot of stuff happening lately. First, the difficult situation happening with MM and the family and then there was the whole nuclear word vomit with my parents. Plus, there are some things I didn’t get around to telling G or R, like a huge Ex-related trigger I had when cleaning out my room the other day, how the list of med-school related errands I’ve had to do lately has become infinite, and how my dad isn’t doing so well emotionally. Finally, my sleep problems….a general lack of sleep, vivid dreams, at times confusing real-life events with what happened in dreams, anxiety and slight fear of the dark relating to my dad and how he out of the blue screams during his sleep….the list goes on.
The whole appointment I was putting insane amounts of pressure on myself to speak a certain way, or act a certain way, or just be a “good patient”, something that for some reason I still have problems with when seeing R. So, I couldn’t relax at all during my time with her. Pisses me off so much when I do that.
I told her I was feeling crappy, but shit didn’t really hit the fan until we talked about this crazy idea I have relating to my career (and which I will not post about here because it’s unnecessary for now, embarrassing, and it’s just a crazy idea that will probably not come to fruition…but rest assured I’m still going to be a doctor and still want to be a psychiatrist).
Instead of immediately approving of the crazy idea, she kind of danced around it. I was expecting this, because when I say the idea is crazy, I mean it’s pretty crazy. What got to me was actually what followed. She asked me all sorts of things, in a way to keep me levelheaded and not let me get carried away by my random impulsive career plans. I know she did it because she cares and doesn’t want to see me ruin my career. She said she just wants to keep me grounded.
However, I realized much later that her questions stirred some anger in me because she reminded me so much of how my family, specifically, my mom, react to my career and life plans, and really any other spontaneous thing I might want to do on any given day. Conversations usually go like this:
Me: “Hey mom, I want to be a psychiatrist.”
Mom: [disgusted face] “Oh really? Don’t you think you’d like to be a radiologist?”
But they can also be as mundane as this:
Me: “Hey mom, let’s go to the movies.”
Mom: [disgusted face] “Ugh, no.” [proceeds to go on angry rant]
Sounds stupid, really, but when you’ve spent a lifetime getting NO as the automatic response to any and everything you suggest, it makes you a bit jaded.
So, it really pissed me off that R reminded me of my mom. That’s basically what happened. And since I didn’t understand that at the moment, I ended up going on a sudden and desperate rant right at the end of the session about how I’m tired of having so much emotional pain, which was really a result of the horrible abandonment issues that were triggered the moment R started confronting my crazy idea.
I’m pretty sure I pissed her off a bit. And it didn’t end there because I asked to email her later on so I could go on an extension of my desperate abandonment-related rant. I told her she didn’t need to answer said email, I just wanted to feel like someone was listening. She didn’t answer, thankfully.
I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if I stirred up at least a semblance of an exasperated sigh and an eye-roll in her. But I’m probably just projecting here…I’m the one who’s eye-rolling at myself. I was conditioned to think of myself as stupid and pointless from a young age, for some reason.
I hate it when I do that. And now I have to wait an entire week to talk to her and say I’m sorry. Yeah, I apologize for everything, I do it with G too. It’s the fear of abandonment.
Someone shake me, please.