Memorial Day

I exploded yesterday and it wasn’t pretty. It was like watching a modern day version of the Chernobyl disaster.

However, I did exaggerate a bit yesterday when I posted and said that now my parents know everything. I didn’t quite tell them everything. I told them I was abused for 5 years….well, I screamed at the top of my lungs that I was abused for 5 years. So, now my parents know. And the neighbors too. Plus their Memorial Day BBQ guests. And when I say “neighbors” I really mean everybody within a 200 foot radius (or maybe 500 feet?). Now, I didn’t tell my parents about the food issues. So, yeah, I didn’t tell them everything.

Ok, I give up trying to minimize what I told them. I told them a shitload. Period.

I haven’t been doing well these last two weeks in part because of some issues related to my sister MM and her husband. They’ve been having some problems that have involved also my sister Y and it has all turned into a big, glob of a monster-mess threatening what little integrity the family had. And I’m basically the only one supporting MM during this whole ordeal, so I’ve been carrying on my shoulders her issues in addition to mine. I knew I was stretching myself thin, but I pushed through.

My parents, knowing I am MM’s confidante, were all over me, asking me what was wrong with MM, creating more tension and putting more pressure on me. So, I snapped.

It started with my angrily going over to dad to tell him everything. It ended with both my parents sitting in front of me, in complete shock and sometimes confronting me while I screamed at the top of my lungs about everything that was wrong in the family, and their marriage, and their attitudes, and what was happening with MM, and my own issues, and how I was depressed, and suicidal, and had been abused for 5 years and…..it was a horrible word vomit. And of course it included all the theatricals, with sweat dropping down my forehead, tears and snot running down my nose.

Oh my….I still can’t believe I did that. I feel an incredible amount of shame, to be honest. I feel horrible.

Since that mess yesterday things have been calm at home; heck, even friendlier than usual. But I still feel like shit. I said too much and not in a pretty way. At least my dad agreed with a lot of what I said and he listened and later told me I opened his eyes to a lot of issues. My mom’s reaction was combative, as is usual for her, but she was surprisingly receptive every now and then.

I just feel so ashamed. There is just no other word to describe what I feel. And to think now my parents know the truth. 98% of it. I basically have no secrets to tell them anymore. I feel like I’ve been standing naked in front of a completely silent audience since yesterday. Talk about feeling vulnerable.

My dad said to me at one point after the mess that he wanted to talk to me in the coming days. He said it didn’t have to be today, tomorrow, or even this week, but he told me to think about it. I know he wants to talk about the abuse. I’m just glad he didn’t ask me anything yesterday or today, even. I’m glad he made himself available and is obviously worried, but gave me some space. Heck, maybe it’s because he simply doesn’t know how to approach the issue, but either way I’m glad he reacted that way. At one point during my nuclear word vomit, after I mentioned the abuse, I even said I didn’t want any hugs, kisses, or anything from him, and he seemed to just get it. He finally understood why I have trouble with that.

Mom, on the other hand, had a different reaction. I approached her a few hours after the mess and asked her if she had anything she wanted to say to me. She was calm, and said no. Then she said she was tired when she noticed I didn’t believe her. But I decided to leave it at that. I’m just….afraid she might not believe me about the abuse, to be honest. And I’m afraid she might never address the issue or….geez, I’m just afraid of what she thinks or will think.

So that’s what happened yesterday. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m honestly not expecting things at home to change, probably they’ll change for a bit and then go back to how they were. I just….don’t know what to do with myself. Should I apologize? Should I leave it at that? Should I cross my fingers and hope for the best? I don’t know. I have no clue.

And, to finish this post on a lighter note, I had a medication mix-up today. Instead of my usual 30mg of Prozac that I take in the morning I accidentally took 20mg of Ambien right after I woke up. I realized something was wrong when, halfway through breakfast I noticed one of my dogs had two heads instead of one….and when I stood up I had the nastiest ataxic gait (that’s walking like a drunk, to my non-medical readers)….then I think I hallucinated at one point (nothing serious)….then the amnesia….then the hiccups….

Yeah, don’t take 20mg Ambien on an empty stomach. I spent the day knocked out in my room, which was fine since I was too ashamed of myself to even take out the trash.

I guess they don’t call it Memorial Day weekend for nothing.

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“Shit, that wasn’t Prozac….”

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10 comments
  1. I’m sorry that yesterday was so difficult on you. I hope that your parents don’t just back away from everything you told them and will talk with you in the coming days. ((hugs))

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    • Hey, thank you, your words and hugs are very much appreciated. I can already tell they’re trying to figure out when to speak to me about *that* topic…so they’re most definitely not backing up 🙂 Glad my faith in my parents has been reinforced. Something good had to come out of the bad right?

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m glad to hear that! Maybe ripping the band-aid off like that will do more than gently easing it onto them would have.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I had something encouraging to say to you, but I don’t and I feel it wouldn’t be of any use at this time anyway. I can feel the hurt because I have faced up to something similar and I know how eviscerating it can be. I hope you are feeling a little lighter, if not maybe just a little drained…. If you’d like to vent more, your blog and my mail is only a few key presses away. Take care.

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    • Hey there, no worries, the simple fact that you took the time to read and let me know your thoughts means a million. I know it’s not easy subject matter, so the small gestures mean even more. And yes, I’m terribly drained and, surprisingly, feeling lighter 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have had that experience of standing naked and vulnerable before the silent family audience staring in horror as I laid myself out to ridicule and shame…several times actually. It does feel like we are the ones who somehow did something wrong. It’s raw, and it’s hard to get past that feeling of being so exposed. But, we can only take so much before we explode. We are just human after all. ❤

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    • Hi there, thank you for your kind words and for sharing your experience with these emotional explosions. I seem to have taken them up a little too much lately. That’s exactly how I feel, like Idid something wrong (aside from the screaming, that is). But you’re absolutely right, if it doesn’t happen then we’ll eventually explode. Take care 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow, you have an amazing dad and I hope you can find some way to talk to him like he suggested. It sounds like he really wants to understand what’s going on with you and that’s a good thing. You don’t have to tell him everything at once, maybe just a little bit at a time. And your mom might be combative because she’s still processing everything and may be in some kind of shock or disbelief. Some people take time to process things, especially when there’s a lot of things to think about. They put a wall up because they can only deal with so much at a time.

    But whatever happens with your mom (who I’m sure will come around eventually), I’m glad your dad is showing genuine concern for you and doesn’t want you to be alone or feel alone. Personally speaking, I grew up with people who preferred to pretend that nothing was wrong, who consistently left me to deal with things alone. That created an emotional separation between us that’s at the heart of my feeling of indifference toward them. That’s pretty much why I always encourage people to talk about things with the people they care about and who clearly care for them, even if it’s hard as hell to start that conversation (I just don’t want people to end up like me).

    So, to answer a few of your questions, you have nothing to apologize for, you shouldn’t leave it at that when you have your dad wanting to talk with you, and crossing your fingers only works if you also cross your toes and your eyes. But since you can’t walk around with your eyes crossed, you can only hope for the best while sitting. That’s my experience anyway.

    In closing, have that talk with your dad when you’re ready. I understand that you feel incredibly ashamed, but getting it out will help you to deal with that feeling. Don’t worry about the explosion, that’s something that had to occur to get you to this point. The explosion wasn’t a bad thing, it was totally okay to happen. Think of it as an opportunity that you can now use to help your dad understand you better. You said it yourself, after the explosion he understood why you have trouble with hugs and kisses from him. So talk to him when you’re ready and allow him to understand you better. If you can’t look him in the eye when talking, then don’t. But do talk and do answer any questions he may have that you’re comfortable answering. Like I said, you don’t have to get everything out at once. Make sure he gets that it’s going to take time for you to get things out.

    And if I may, can you answer a question I have: Are dogs not supposed to have two heads?

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    • Hey, yes my dad is the awesomest 😀 I’ve had a patchy relationship with him dating back to my difficult attitude during my teenage years, but when important issues have popped up as of late he has always had reasonable and awesome reactions and has redeemed himself in my eyes. I couldn’t have asked for a better father, to be honest. My mom, although I focus on her negatives a lot, is also an awesome mother. Our relationship is just very complicated, but there’s lots of love there both ways. And yes, she’s most definitely combative because she doesn’t know how to deal with it all of a sudden. She’s like that, so I just know I have to wait and give her time to process at her own pace.

      I’m sorry you had that experience with your own family. You know, in my case, I’ve always taken more of the blame and think that my complicated relationship with my parents is more a result of my own unwillingness to speak from a young age. For some reason, something (or a few things) happened that resulted in my thinking staying quiet and secretive was better than speaking to them. I missed out on a lot due to that, unfortunately, but if this mental illness thing has brought one positive to my life it’s that I’ve felt the need to speak more to my parents. And that has been an unexpected blessing (mostly).

      As for talking with my dad, yes, I’ll eventually get around to doing it, have no idea when though. Knowing him, he might pick a random day to talk to me about it, in which case I’ll do the best I can to respond because I honestly wouldn’t know how to begin a conversation like that. I guess I’ll jump on the opportunity. We’ll see, I’ll probably be posting about it haha! Thank you so much for the advice, seriously, it makes this whole process seem a bit more “normal” and makes me feel less like some crazy outlier. I’ll definitely keep your words in mind when the time comes.

      Btw, have you ever considered a career in counseling/psychology/etc? Seriously, you are wise! I had my session with G today and a lot of the things we talked about brushed up on what you commented here, so there you go 😉

      Take care!

      PS: I think my dog was showing her true colors to me yesterday. She probably hides her second head during the day and takes it out for a walk at night when we’re not looking ;P

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for the compliment, I appreciate it. While I do enjoy listening to people and helping however I can, I would never feel right charging money for my help. I simply listen and talk. My caring is free. You know, like a smile. 🙂

        I’m glad to hear about how awesome your parents are. You are truly blessed. And I look forward to reading your posts on how things are going with them. 🙂

        So dogs walk their second heads at night when we’re not watching them? Good to know. Now I just have to figure out how to catch them in the act (I’m sensing that I’m about to go through a Wile E. Coyote phase of hilarious failures).

        By the way, we are crazy. That’s what makes us normal. 😉

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