I don’t like taking unexpected breaks from blogging, but I just couldn’t get myself to write either in my diary or here. I suddenly felt too overwhelmed with everything in my head and just had to stop. So, sorry my responses to comments or emails have taken so long and sorry for being MIA for a bit there.
Unfortunately, though, stopping didn’t help much. It just resulted in me now feeling like I missed time somehow and feeling like a robot, constantly on automatic mode. I’m going through the daily motions and I’m feeling things, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is that I’m feeling. I hate it when this happens.
This past week I think I’ve been feeling mild to moderate depression, or at least that’s the only way I can describe it. Or maybe it’s just the severe crappy depression that always gets a hold of me, but it morphed into something else? Yeah, depression (and I’m sure mental illness in general) is like an ever evolving Pokémon, except it’s not cute.
I’m back home and still haven’t finished this preventive medicine rotation. It got off on a good start, but now I’m just terribly bored and I hate it. I can’t wait to be done with it, to be honest. It’s gotten to the point where I hate what I’m doing and I don’t like seeing any patients. And yesterday I lied and called in sick because I felt completely unable to deal with all the emotional baggage that suddenly exploded when I woke up. It was a risky decision, but wise. R agreed it was ok that I took a break for a day.
The only highlight so far has been spending about an hour with an old lady who had recently lost her husband, was depressed, and so far had not spoken to anyone about what she felt. I wanted to help her so much, but at the same time felt powerless and unable to do much more than listen and provide some words of support during my short time with her. But she said in the end that she felt better and thanked me for it, that she had never told anyone any of the things she said to me, so I guess it was good?
Food continues to be an issue. Today I was triggered after a friend saw me eating way too much for dessert and jokingly said “You’re gonna get fat”. Ugh. That felt horrible. And before that I had already felt terribly triggered when, during lecture, I went to the vending machine and spent a ridiculous amount of time desperately debating in my head what I was going to purchase: a low calorie and unhealthy snack, or an unhealthy and higher calorie snack with a considerably better taste. I ended up choosing the low calorie snack because I was too embarrassed at having a woman who was sitting close by see the horrible internal struggle that was happening right before her eyes. Either way, I still felt horrible after eating that snack. And right now I actually want to purge after dinner.
Meanwhile, I’ve had dreams of my teeth falling off and two dreams having to do with The Ex. In both dreams he was laughing at me in one form or another. In both dreams I felt powerless.
Saw G and R this week. Wanted to hug them but didn’t. I missed them. Yes, it was only two weeks without an appointment, but that’s a lot to abandonment-phobic child-me.
I just feel depressed and I don’t know why. I honestly don’t know what is wrong with me. Is it that I feel overwhelmed with med school-related stuff? I don’t know. And I honestly don’t expect any of you to understand this post, because not even I can understand myself right now.
I just want to sleep. A lot. And lose weight so I can waste away. Actually, I want to fast and sleep while I fast so I can avoid feeling the pangs of hunger….well, so I can avoid feeling, period. I’m anxious for various reasons, I feel constantly on edge. The only times I feel remotely calm are when I starve. And even then, all I want to do is sleep. And die. Sometimes I want to die….just so I can escape everything.
So, yeah, that doesn’t even begin to cover this past week, but I can’t get myself to write much. My depression’s kind of morphing right now.