From friggin’ Pikachu to f*ckin’ Raichu: same sh*t, different name

I don’t like taking unexpected breaks from blogging, but I just couldn’t get myself to write either in my diary or here. I suddenly felt too overwhelmed with everything in my head and just had to stop. So, sorry my responses to comments or emails have taken so long and sorry for being MIA for a bit there.

Unfortunately, though, stopping didn’t help much. It just resulted in me now feeling like I missed time somehow and feeling like a robot, constantly on automatic mode. I’m going through the daily motions and I’m feeling things, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is that I’m feeling. I hate it when this happens.

This past week I think I’ve been feeling mild to moderate depression, or at least that’s the only way I can describe it. Or maybe it’s just the severe crappy depression that always gets a hold of me, but it morphed into something else? Yeah, depression (and I’m sure mental illness in general) is like an ever evolving Pokémon, except it’s not cute.

I’m back home and still haven’t finished this preventive medicine rotation. It got off on a good start, but now I’m just terribly bored and I hate it. I can’t wait to be done with it, to be honest. It’s gotten to the point where I hate what I’m doing and I don’t like seeing any patients. And yesterday I lied and called in sick because I felt completely unable to deal with all the emotional baggage that suddenly exploded when I woke up. It was a risky decision, but wise. R agreed it was ok that I took a break for a day.

The only highlight so far has been spending about an hour with an old lady who had recently lost her husband, was depressed, and so far had not spoken to anyone about what she felt. I wanted to help her so much, but at the same time felt powerless and unable to do much more than listen and provide some words of support during my short time with her. But she said in the end that she felt better and thanked me for it, that she had never told anyone any of the things she said to me, so I guess it was good?

Food continues to be an issue. Today I was triggered after a friend saw me eating way too much for dessert and jokingly said “You’re gonna get fat”. Ugh. That felt horrible. And before that I had already felt terribly triggered when, during lecture, I went to the vending machine and spent a ridiculous amount of time desperately debating in my head what I was going to purchase: a low calorie and unhealthy snack, or an unhealthy and higher calorie snack with a considerably better taste. I ended up choosing the low calorie snack because I was too embarrassed at having a woman who was sitting close by see the horrible internal struggle that was happening right before her eyes. Either way, I still felt horrible after eating that snack. And right now I actually want to purge after dinner.

Meanwhile, I’ve had dreams of my teeth falling off and two dreams having to do with The Ex. In both dreams he was laughing at me in one form or another. In both dreams I felt powerless.

Saw G and R this week. Wanted to hug them but didn’t. I missed them. Yes, it was only two weeks without an appointment, but that’s a lot to abandonment-phobic child-me.

I just feel depressed and I don’t know why. I honestly don’t know what is wrong with me. Is it that I feel overwhelmed with med school-related stuff? I don’t know. And I honestly don’t expect any of you to understand this post, because not even I can understand myself right now.

I just want to sleep. A lot. And lose weight so I can waste away. Actually, I want to fast and sleep while I fast so I can avoid feeling the pangs of hunger….well, so I can avoid feeling, period. I’m anxious for various reasons, I feel constantly on edge. The only times I feel remotely calm are when I starve. And even then, all I want to do is sleep. And die. Sometimes I want to die….just so I can escape everything.

So, yeah, that doesn’t even begin to cover this past week, but I can’t get myself to write much. My depression’s kind of morphing right now.

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5 comments
  1. “I just feel depressed and I don’t know why. I honestly don’t know what is wrong with me.”

    I’ve been going through a huge depression phase this week. Nothing triggered it; you know, except for life because life loves triggering my depression. And so whenever I hear the thoughts in my head calling myself every type of loser imaginable (you wouldn’t believe how many types of loser there are, by the way), I simply say to myself, “That’s the depression. Like the clouds, it’ll move on.” And it does. Other voices berating me come and go, but through it all I simply remember that it’s just the depression and it’s normal for me, it’s a part of who I am and I have to deal with that. Over the years, I’ve come to learn that I’m never okay; it’s just a matter of what level of ‘not okay’ I am today. But that’s okay. That’s me and I can live my life anyway.

    And I do have things I use to pick me up a little bit. Lately, I’ve been watching episodes of The Big Bang Theory in the mornings; laughing certainly helps me feel better, if only for a short time. It also helps that after watching The Big Bang Theory, my mental faculties are usually distracted by thoughts of how much like Sheldon I am. It’s really freaky sometimes. It’s like we were separated at birth, both wishing we had Leonard’s mother while growing up.

    Also, I’ve actually found depression kind of useful sometimes. I write some pretty okay poetry when I’m depressed. And I try to focus on the positives of depression, like staying in bed all day. Do you realize how many people only wish they could do that? There really is a certain level of achievement that goes along with it.

    Anyway, I do hope you feel better and I hope that I’ve said (written?) something that at least gave you enough reason to emit a slight chuckle. And remember, when you’re feeling powerless and feel like you want to die, think about that old lady or other people you’ve helped, and know that you being there for them in those small moments made a big difference in their lives. As long as you’re here in this life, you can be a positive force for people. While you have been through some horrific experiences that you are powerless to change, you do have the power to help other people through their bad times. Listening, smiling, and offering a kind word are very powerful tools, and you have those tools, not only for other people, but also for yourself.

    And honestly, the simple fact that you have the courage to share the things you write about on your blog makes you very powerful indeed. 🙂

    Like

    • Hey! You did, indeed, make me emit a slight chuckle or two 😉 ok, you made me laugh out loud with this (really). So, thank you for that. You know, I’d never thought of the depression-sleep that way…and you are oh so right. What a funny way of putting it. I like it so much I’m going to steal it now and use it when I start calling myself a loser while moping around in bed. “Remember all the poor souls who aren’t lucky enough to sleep in” haha!

      Ah, Sheldon, I love Sheldon. He’s awesomely weird and funny. So keep being your Sheldon-y self 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haha! Thanks! 🙂

        I recently heard Jim Parsons, the guy who plays Sheldon, voicing an alien in an animated movie called Home. I totally recommend it, it’s a beautiful story. The moment it started and I heard his voice, I burst out with a, “OMG! It’s Sheldon!” in a squeaky, girlish voice. It would’ve been so embarrassing had anyone heard it. Luckily, I’m only telling it, so it’s only a smaller percentage of embarrassing.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Well I’m smiling as I read your post because I have my pikachu t-shirt on and my son has been begging me for this $40 elite trainer pack of cards. But that has nothing to do with what you wrote.
    My response to what that person said to you about “too much desert” was YES, RIGHT, lol…Focus on the “going to” which implies that you aren’t. And really it’s all good and just a distraction from your real issues.
    So I’ve had all these ah ha moments this week that my not eating is a passive way to make everything stop. In actuality of course it doesn’t but subconsciously a part of me wants to get sick enough to make everything go away so that I don’t have to deal with it. My fear with food is much like my fear of my trauma and I know in my mind all the things I should do and that I’m safe and that life is different now but my body is stuck in alternating hyperarousal and shut down modes.

    Like

    • Hey hun,
      What a coincidence! That made me smile 😉
      Ah, I really like how you phrased that, focusing on the “going to” part…thank you for reframing it for me. It means a lot ❤ I'm glad you've been having those ah ha moments. You're starting to understand yourself, and that's a critical part of the healing process.

      Much love your way!

      Like

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