An exploding mess inside my head that goes quiet once I’m overwhelmed

Tomorrow’s my last day in this community hospital, and I must say I’m glad it is. It started out fine, but I’m bored already. I miss my dogs way too much and I’m terribly bored of seeing patients who come mainly for medication refills. Although I did get to semi-participate in an incision and drainage today….but it wasn’t a big abscess, so whatever. I just realized only a med student would say something like that.

Meanwhile, I’m having one of those days us single people have every now and then. I’m ok with being single mostly, but then I suddenly get these unexpected pangs of wanting to be in a relationship. And it’s one of those days, ugh. I hate myself for it, for some reason. But yeah, I just want to know what it feels like to be in a normal, fully consensual relationship.

I want someone who’ll accept me with all my complicated stuff, my quirky Natalie-Portman-in-Garden-State antics, who’ll be just as geeky as I am (or worse), who’ll respect me, and won’t expect me to be his mother or girly-girl fantasy (which, if you knew me, you’d know I’m obviously not). I know I can come off as cold or intimidating at first, but it’s because I’m scared shitless mainly and distrust anyone and everyone. I want someone to give me a chance.

I feel that such person doesn’t exist. At least not here, in this city. And today I’m kind of sad about it. Sleeping alone in a queen-sized bed when all I want to do is some sappy cuddling and feel warmth.

I’ve thought about Other Med School Guy, who’s long gone, and how there were things about him in that one and only date that I didn’t like even at first but didn’t realize until later. And yet, he made me feel curious about him, something I hadn’t felt before and would like to experiment again….soon (or not, since I’m possibly leaving this place for residency).

But worry not. I know it will pass. And like I said before lately I haven’t felt depressed per se. I was thinking yesterday I might be in the mildly depressed range right now, and if anything it’s a weird type of depression I haven’t yet experienced. Not my usual run-of-the-mill/feel like shit/want to sleep and kill myself type of depression.

Meanwhile…food continues to be the bane of my existence. But surprise surprise, I’ve been finding it difficult to restrict my food and have been falling more in the feeling full or slightly overeating range, which scares the living daylights out of me. I purged two days ago and still today had petechiae around my eyes this morning. It was a messy affair, and the stench dear lord…but I can’t help but feel better after purging.

Today and yesterday I almost purged, but I was able to calm down the anxiety that was killing me and wait it out. Triumph? I guess, but it actually makes me angry. I feel like a failure.

It all boils down to boredom and having the freedom to eat whatever and whenever I want. Not having my parents here has resulted in my not having much fear towards food and eating when I’m bored. That’s pretty unusual for me. But the severe anxiety producing fear of feeling full persists. It’s always there.

Now back to the community hospital and the rotation I’m in….I feel so incompetent. I feel like I’m a budding fourth year med student who doesn’t know shit and has spent the past 4 years just winging it and guesstimating. My colleagues look so confident in what they do, while I still doubt myself at every corner when I’m with patients or residents or attendings, or anyone. I feel like any resident or attending who interacts with me is left wondering How the hell is she in fourth year? She acts like a newly promoted third year.

I got shitty evaluations the other day….after shadowing. I mean, who the hell gets shitty evaluations after shadowing??

My mom told me yesterday that I’m a diamond in the rough. One of those beautiful moments where my mom says just the right words and which are as common as unicorn-zebras. I felt better because I know she’s right. I know I have things going for me. The residents and attendings who “get me” and who I feel at ease with always tell me I have a lot of empathy, that I demonstrate a lot of interest by asking questions, that I’m quiet but always have a genuine interest in my patients’ care and am very efficient and responsible. And yet, for every resident or attending who “gets me” there’s always one or two who think I’m the least interested med student ever and just plain weird.

I’m starting to ramble here. Can you tell I had no idea what this post was going to be about in the first place?

Whatever. I just want to lose weight. And hug and be hugged by R and G. As weird as that sounds, I just want to hug them and cry. Been feeling like that since yesterday.

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10 comments
  1. G said:

    Hey. Sending you sweet thoughts. Pangs of loneliness are the worst, especially when you’re already kinda down. I hope you can ride out this one.

    For me, it’s the worst when it feels “new”, when I just feel odd and out of it but not quite at the kill-myself level, though in the back of my mind I feel like I’ll get there sooner or later. I feel out of control, because all the usual “how I deal with my shit” isn’t applicable, and feel kinda lost. I too start going bizarre on my eating. As always, it gets better. You’ve been doing this for awhile, taking it one step at a time. And hey, last day tomorrow at that hospital. Enjoy the little victories.

    Hang in there. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey G, thank you so much for just “getting it”. It means a lot to me (really). You hang in there too xx

      Like

  2. I hope the venting here helped you a little. Life at times becomes too much to handle all at once.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There’s nothing wrong with being weird. I mean, “weird” spelled backwards is “driew” and that means nothing, which would be weird if a word meant nothing, making it not weird because spelled forward it is simply what it is. So even if you are weird, you’re not weird, you’re just who you are. You’re simply you and you mean something. 🙂

    Did any of that make sense? Even after re-reading it, I still can’t make heads or tails of it. lol

    Like

    • Haha! I have to admit when you posted it I didn’t get it initially, but reading it now that I’m out of that preventive medicine rotation….it made me laugh. So thank you for the good times 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. K said:

    Hello love,

    Obviously I understand so much of this post but what you said about being lonely resonates so much with me right now. It’s been years since I’ve been in a caring, wonderful relationship and I see all my friends around me coupling off and happy and spending less time with me because they’re occupied with their significant others and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. (Well, I know one thing… I’ve felt so fat and unattractive this past year that I’ve pushed people away and missed opportunities to pursue people who have been interested in me… which is awful). It also seems so easy for guys to meet girls but not the other way around. Oh my goodness I could write a whole post about my vast loneliness… anyways, I’m feeling particularly terrible and alone lately because of my trip with the Russian. I’m heartbroken. And I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me. And I think horrible things like “that girl isn’t even that hot” or “I’m funnier than she is” and then “how is she in a relationship and I’m not?!”

    By the way I loved Garden State! But remember these are just movies and real life rarely has those romantic, quirky, witty hookups 😦

    Hope your studying is going well! And remember I’m always here for you!

    K

    Like

    • Hey hun,

      Ugh, I was skimming through your blog a while ago (sorry I haven’t been able to keep up lately). I’m so sorry about the Russian. If he didn’t have the insight to know he’d feel uncomfortable without the gf while you were on vacation, then that speaks volumes of him. And the comparisons, ugh, I know the feeling. Keep holding on hun, someday somebody who’s worth it is going to cross your path.

      Take care,

      Like

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