Partner in crime

I guess today so far has been a good day. Better get myself to study asap so it can continue to be a good day.

And I feel pretty today…without makeup. When does that happen?

However…

I keep having this self-destructive wish in my head lately. It has to do with food issues.

I feel alone. It’s not the first time I’ve typed that here. But what is new is that I feel alone in the eating disordered department. What I mean is: I feel alone because I can’t talk to anyone about any of this, about my negative thoughts, my distorted body image, my unhealthy behaviors…I can only talk about it here and in therapy.

It just feels so strange, wishing you had someone in real life who could be your “partner in crime”, so to speak. Someone I could talk to about anything and everything and who would let me get away with it all or even behave the same way I do. But let’s face it, people with eating disorders are pretty competitive when it comes to behaviors and weight (myself included). Such a relationship would surely be incredibly destructive.

I guess that’s why I feel so misunderstood with G and R when I try to talk about food with them. They obviously don’t want me to be eating disordered, but I couldn’t care less right now. I try to talk to them about my behaviors looking for some understanding and trying to get away with it all, to feel validated, but it just leaves me feeling even more isolated because there is no way in hell they would let me off the hook. Whatever I say to them will be followed by some confrontational remark or whatever.

It’s their job, I get it. But I hate feeling isolated even in therapy.

And I know the answer to not feeling that isolation would be to let go of the eating disorder and recover….but yeesh….that scares me.

I’m at a stage where every time I get my period I get incredibly angry because it reminds me I’m still probably ovulating, still a woman, and still not “anorexic enough”. Yeah, I don’t think letting go of the eating disorder is coming ’round any time soon.

And because I don’t want to depress you all further, I’m going to announce some good news. Recently G realized it’s been a year since she started seeing me. And she said that it’s been good, and that I haven’t had any depression slip-ups during that time.

For some reason I hadn’t realized that before. I’ve been free of severe, prolonged, deep, episodes of depression for a year now. I’ve had my small slip-ups, but nothing major. Strangely enough, I have mixed feelings about it. I don’t know, I guess I just have to process it a bit.

But it’s obviously good news. It’s good. It’s good. Yeah. It’s good.

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2 comments
  1. Over a year ago I met someone on MPA and we became good friends. She lives in a different state, is about my age, is a well educated mom of 3 in the medical field and when we were at our worst we so enjoyed each other’s company. But we didn’t feed off of each other and truly wanted to be well and help one another yet accepted the fact that we were both very eating disordered. It was just such a relief to understand one another and be able to share our messed upness and we still talk and I can still relate to her in a healthy way as well. I don’t miss my criminal activity and I am not advocating for you to go on MPA but I never found it triggering or that it made me do something that I wasn’t already doing. It helped me to feel less crazy. Like I would read those posts and already be doing way worse or feeling 100x more self destructive. So I guess I’m just saying we sometimes need to know we aren’t alone in our dysfunction, especially when most of our colleagues and friends are high functioning and emotionally healthy. Hope that almost made sense.

    Like

    • Oh geez, of course it made sense. That’s exactly what I meant in my post, to have someone to support me through the self-destructiveness but not necessarily act as a trigger or competition. I guess it’s a human thing, not wanting to be alone, even in your own misery.

      Btw, sorry for getting back to you so late, I’m finally getting around to answering the bunch of emails and comments I had lying around for a while now. Take care!

      Like

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