Finally found a break to post.
Long story short: I just began a preventive medicine rotation at a very small hospital about an hour from the city. Living on my own for the next few days and working with a very underserved community. I mean, my school’s hospital system works with a generally underserved population, but the patients I’m seeing now are a whole other level of “underserved”. So far I like it, and it’s an incredibly interesting experience how you have to tailor your interview, explanations, etc. for each patient, plus the variety of things and people you are exposed to. Also, it’s a completely different experience for me because there’s a lot of community outreach involved. But it’s also quite heartbreaking, knowing your patients wouldn’t usually present with such severe forms of disease if only they had good access to healthcare and people who actually cared about them (because, let’s face it, “the system” doesn’t care).
I find myself missing psychiatry though, more and more each day. But I also like preventive medicine and community outreach a lot, so I’m ok with that.
Meanwhile, I saw G on Tuesday. Felt I wasted her time. *Sigh* I tried to talk about The Ex and all that crap, but I just wasn’t feeling it. Though I did tell her a few facts I hadn’t told her before, about things that happened with The Ex when I was still underage. I was very out of it the whole session. I was even a bit bitchy at one point, but she returned that bitchiness right back at me. I love that about G, she tells it like it is and doesn’t avoid the difficult stuff.
She’s worried about my eating. Wants to know what R thinks about that. I call bullshit. I told her, in all seriousness, that their getting involved in that aspect of my mental screwed-up-ness feels like they want to control me, and my body and mind interpret it as a threat. I must say, in a weird and detached kind of way, it’s fascinating how the eating disorder manipulates me and how my mind thinks accordingly. Does it show that I’m fascinated by mental illness/health, brain and behavior? Ok, taking off my doctor hat now and putting my patient hat back on.
Since I’ve been living alone these past few days, I’ve felt an incredible amount of peace food-wise….in a twisted sense, that is. I can eat or not eat whatever I want and nobody’s badgering me about it. Nobody is commenting on what I eat or not, about food, or badgering me about when I’m going to eat or what I’m going to eat or how I’m going to eat it. It’s just me, my body, and whatever I feel like eating or not. There’s not much anxiety when I do eat because nobody is watching me.
I wonder if anyone other than myself will understand that previous paragraph? To me it makes all the sense in the world.
It’s a relief, honestly, living alone. I’m far from all the stress, the noise, the food stuff….it’s just me. However, I’ve only been two days here and I still can’t seem to shake off all of the stress from home. In spite of that bit of inner peace, I still feel my parents’ stress hanging over my shoulders and I can’t seem to be able to unwind fully just yet.
My dad said they’ll come visit me in the weekend….but I don’t want them to. Typing that just now felt horrible. They’re supervising me. I fucking hate it. My parents were never really “helicopter parents”, but for some reason now I’m in my 20s their anxiety and stress have reached incredibly high levels. And after I got hospitalized they’re even worse. Problem is…I’m at that age where I just want to be independent and live my life. It’s an incredibly complicated game of tug-of-war with them. All the time.
My eyelids are giving up on me. I think it’s time to go to bed.