I’ve been letting go of myself this week. Again. Haven’t been writing in my diary. Been neglecting the blog. I’m tired all the time. The trazodone is helping with my insomnia, but I still feel tired all the friggin’ time, although I can get things done. I’m pretty out of it honestly.
But I’ve also been incredibly busy. I’m back to taking classes this week. And I’ve also been going from office to office in my medical school and getting shit done. I’ve been incredibly efficient this week. But at what cost? I’m stressed and tired. I’ve got a lot on my med school responsibilities plate right now. Been organizing my fourth year schedule, etc.
And because I haven’t been writing in my diary, I don’t remember much of what I’ve been feeling this week. Bummer.
I didn’t sleep from Sunday to Monday. At all. I had never done that. But I had too much on my mind and I was on a roll. Was getting things done, and was pretty much euphoric.
On Tuesday I saw G. We talked about food. Meh. I’ve been eating like a cow, so whatever. She’s worried about my purging. I’m not. I barely do it and I absolutely hate doing it. It’s more of a “when I’m ridiculously desperate” sort of thing. I restrict. That’s easier for me, though this week I’ve just stuffed my face (aka: eating the amount that I know I should be eating). At least today I ate smaller portions (I think).
Fourth year of medical school really scares me. You have to get so much shit done, so many errands, so much mundane stuff, the Step 2 exams that you start taking around third year, the incredible pressure to impress every-fucking-one that works with you…then on top of that, you have applications for residency, interviews, traveling for said interviews, then the fucking match and all the shit it entails, from the rank order list all the way to that third Friday of March. It’s one of the reasons I got hospitalized last year. I couldn’t deal with the expectation of having all that on my plate. So far I’m doing fine on my second try, but I can still feel the stress and anger boiling inside of me due to all the bullshit fourth year of medical school entails. I hate bullshit….paperwork and a million pointless other things. It makes me incredibly angry. (And yet, here I am studying for one of the most bullshit-filled careers: medicine. I hope I don’t ever get tired of helping my patients and doing good for them, because if it wasn’t for that, I would run away from this career).
I have a headache. It’s driving me nuts. And trazodone-related dizziness. Yay. Dance class is a pain in the ass because of that. Can barely find my balance and I get incredibly dizzy when I close my eyes. Ugh.
I had two moments with my mom this week. One frustrating and one good. The first one was when I explained my fourth year schedule to her. She didn’t support me at all and just focused on how my fourth year will affect her, how the empty nest is coming soon for her. Nothing new there, but it still hurts every time she does that. Then the good one was yesterday. Spent an hour or more just talking with her about stuff, had a few laughs. I loved it because I felt I had the mom I’ve always wanted. Felt an incredible desire to tell her about the abuse, yet couldn’t get myself to do it. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the strength to tell her that and I piss myself off because of it. I want my mom to know. I want her to protect me.
I was supposed to have a conference given by a lawyer today. But I skipped said conference. Left after about 10 minutes in the room because it was such an incredible trigger. Anything having to do with law triggers me immensely and takes me back to The Ex. The way lawyers talk, their vocabulary, how they behave, etc….those things are the death of me.
And I made a huge mistake today. I facebook-messaged that guy I went on a date with in January, the one from another med school. I told him “Long time no see”. He didn’t answer. Granted, he doesn’t seem to use facebook much (and neither do I lately…good riddance). But I was so angry at myself for giving in. I got desperate. Why? I’ll be honest here….sometimes I like being single but today was not one of those days. I need some love in my life today. I want to cuddle, or just watch TV or some mundane crap like that.
But I can’t. I just have to do stuff on my own for now. Deal with my stress on my own, deal with medical school bullshit paperwork/stuff on my own. I have an ache in my heart, as corny as that sounds, but it’s true.
I was just venting on this post. Rambling. I admire you if you got all the way to the end.