Headache-induced pissed-off-ness and tired rambling

I’ve been letting go of myself this week. Again. Haven’t been writing in my diary. Been neglecting the blog. I’m tired all the time. The trazodone is helping with my insomnia, but I still feel tired all the friggin’ time, although I can get things done. I’m pretty out of it honestly.

But I’ve also been incredibly busy. I’m back to taking classes this week. And I’ve also been going from office to office in my medical school and getting shit done. I’ve been incredibly efficient this week. But at what cost? I’m stressed and tired. I’ve got a lot on my med school responsibilities plate right now. Been organizing my fourth year schedule, etc.

And because I haven’t been writing in my diary, I don’t remember much of what I’ve been feeling this week. Bummer.

I didn’t sleep from Sunday to Monday. At all. I had never done that. But I had too much on my mind and I was on a roll. Was getting things done, and was pretty much euphoric.

On Tuesday I saw G. We talked about food. Meh. I’ve been eating like a cow, so whatever. She’s worried about my purging. I’m not. I barely do it and I absolutely hate doing it. It’s more of a “when I’m ridiculously desperate” sort of thing. I restrict. That’s easier for me, though this week I’ve just stuffed my face (aka: eating the amount that I know I should be eating). At least today I ate smaller portions (I think).

Fourth year of medical school really scares me. You have to get so much shit done, so many errands, so much mundane stuff, the Step 2 exams that you start taking around third year, the incredible pressure to impress every-fucking-one that works with you…then on top of that, you have applications for residency, interviews, traveling for said interviews, then the fucking match and all the shit it entails, from the rank order list all the way to that third Friday of March. It’s one of the reasons I got hospitalized last year. I couldn’t deal with the expectation of having all that on my plate. So far I’m doing fine on my second try, but I can still feel the stress and anger boiling inside of me due to all the bullshit fourth year of medical school entails. I hate bullshit….paperwork and a million pointless other things. It makes me incredibly angry. (And yet, here I am studying for one of the most bullshit-filled careers: medicine. I hope I don’t ever get tired of helping my patients and doing good for them, because if it wasn’t for that, I would run away from this career).

I have a headache. It’s driving me nuts. And trazodone-related dizziness. Yay. Dance class is a pain in the ass because of that. Can barely find my balance and I get incredibly dizzy when I close my eyes. Ugh.

I had two moments with my mom this week. One frustrating and one good. The first one was when I explained my fourth year schedule to her. She didn’t support me at all and just focused on how my fourth year will affect her, how the empty nest is coming soon for her. Nothing new there, but it still hurts every time she does that. Then the good one was yesterday. Spent an hour or more just talking with her about stuff, had a few laughs. I loved it because I felt I had the mom I’ve always wanted. Felt an incredible desire to tell her about the abuse, yet couldn’t get myself to do it. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the strength to tell her that and I piss myself off because of it. I want my mom to know. I want her to protect me.

I was supposed to have a conference given by a lawyer today. But I skipped said conference. Left after about 10 minutes in the room because it was such an incredible trigger. Anything having to do with law triggers me immensely and takes me back to The Ex. The way lawyers talk, their vocabulary, how they behave, etc….those things are the death of me.

And I made a huge mistake today. I facebook-messaged that guy I went on a date with in January, the one from another med school. I told him “Long time no see”. He didn’t answer. Granted, he doesn’t seem to use facebook much (and neither do I lately…good riddance). But I was so angry at myself for giving in. I got desperate. Why? I’ll be honest here….sometimes I like being single but today was not one of those days. I need some love in my life today. I want to cuddle, or just watch TV or some mundane crap like that.

But I can’t. I just have to do stuff on my own for now. Deal with my stress on my own, deal with medical school bullshit paperwork/stuff on my own. I have an ache in my heart, as corny as that sounds, but it’s true.

I was just venting on this post. Rambling. I admire you if you got all the way to the end.

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7 comments
  1. I read your post til the end! 😉 Well no wonder you’re not staying on top of everything….that’s just all too much! And somethings gotta give unfortunately in order to get half the things on your plate done, so if it’s blogging, then that’s completely understandable. I sense a lot of guilt though…I think that’s what the culture of the medical profession does to us…take care of others even if it means sacrificing your own wellbeing. Hope you’re able to check off and rid of some things on the neverending task list soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey! Thanks for reading til the end haha. Yeah, I guess the blog is going to get a bit neglected in the coming days. I have to catch up on my med school stuff. As for the guilt, oh yes, I have a lot of trouble with that since my default is caring for others but not for myself. Been working on that since I took the leave of absence and surprisingly, it’s not easy stuff when you’re used to neglecting yourself :/

      And yeah, I checked a few things off the list (yess!) but a few new ones are on the radar now (nooo!)

      Take care!

      Like

      • Ok, yes, be sure to take care of yourself! 🙂

        Like

  2. Stay strong. It’s a mighty challenge, but you can do it.

    And thank you for sharing these things that you’re going through. It takes a lot of courage to do that. 🙂

    Like

  3. Sophia said:

    There is a lot of BS in fourth year but IMO it’s much less than third and mostly related to your specialty of choice. I found that I didn’t need to suck up during my psych electives (what I matched in) because I was actually interested, engaged and treated like a member of the team. Eras is a lot of work and step 2 studying wasn’t my favorite but not as bad as step1. I thought that my interviews in psych were mostly low key and fairly enjoyable-much better than other specialties. Traveling can get stressful though I only applied to places I could drive–it’s definitely harder and more $$ if you’re flying places. I thought is was really fun to meet other applicants and residents (your future colleagues!!) as psych is a relatively small field. The next few months might continue to be painful but you really have so much to look forward to!

    I haven’t seen a patient since February and won’t until intern year starts. I’ve been spending time outside, hanging with my family and filling out boatloads of residency paperwork.

    Like

    • Hey Sophia! Hadn’t heard from you in a while. Congrats on matching!!! Your messages always calm me down haha 🙂 Thanks for the advice, will definitely keep it in mind. It’s funny you mention meeting other applicants, I actually hadn’t thought of that, but now I’m excited. I have my days where I get tired of the BS, other days, like today, it’s more like “Meh, I’ll just get it done and over with if that’s what it takes to be a psychiatrist”.

      Ah, so jealous of your free time! But you deserve it after so much hard work 😉 Take care

      Like

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