Four days of intense stuff

I took a tiny break there. Sorry about that, haven’t been feeling wonderful these past few days.

I had some really difficult therapy sessions with G and R this week. More with R than with G. I had trouble communicating with R because I wanted to talk to her about the abuse but I couldn’t . I’ve lately been feeling an incredible amount of anger about the abuse but I’ve also been keeping it inside or blocking it, unfortunately. So when I saw R this week I wanted to talk to her about the abuse, specifically the memories and flashbacks, in full graphic, nasty details.

I don’t know why but I’ve felt for a while now that I really need that, that I really need to tell them all the details of my flashbacks and just let out the anger, fear, anxiety, and everything in between. I mean, what better place to do that than in therapy? And for some reason I feel that letting all of that out and sharing all the graphic details will help make me feel better. I’ve been graphic before, just not as graphic as I feel is necessary.

Yesterday I found out The Ex, who works now in a law-related field and is no longer a teacher, is providing orientation to schools about different subjects, including, but not limited to, institutional abuse. Oh, the irony. I burst out laughing maniacally when I read that. I was in RAGE. I’ve been feeling incredible amounts of RAGE toward this person, how he is getting away with what he did to me (and who knows, maybe to other people too). And yet, something keeps me from speaking out: fear. Fear of losing privacy, fear of being even more shamed and humiliated than I’ve already been.

Yesterday I also realized that the first sexual act that happened was when I was 16in school grounds. What the fuck. Add a double layer of “what the fuck” after realizing that was my first ever sexual encounter with another person and I had no idea what I liked or disliked, so I just did what he wanted me to, no matter how humiliated it made me feel.

I feel so humiliated and disgusting whenever I think about all of this. And I feel an incredible power of The Ex over me still. Like I explained to R before: I feel his “ghost” is somewhat inside of me still, controlling my every move and even my illness. And yet, I can’t let all that anger out for fear of further humiliation, fear of being judged by G or R, and finally, fear of losing control in front of my therapists or in front of family.

So, naturally, these last few days I’ve been feeling kind of shitty depression-wise. Not horrible though, but my food issues made sure to compensate for that by rearing their ugly heads and striking back. I haven’t been restricting much (unfortunately) but I purged part of my dinner yesterday and a big part of dinner today. And I’m terrified of weighing myself because I know in my heart that I’ve gained some.

I went out to dinner today with my dad. Shared an appetizer and dessert with him, and had two slices of pizza. I felt ridiculously distended, full, and disgusting afterwards. About an hour later I was down on my knees in the shower purging. I don’t like to purge, I actually hate it because like I’ve said before I’m terrified of losing my teeth. But I also absolutely hate dealing with my gastric contents. But feeling so full reminds me of a million things, and in between the feeling horribly fat and disgusting, there’s thoughts about The Ex’s semen and feeling as fat and disgusting as he was. So, purging is a nasty means of getting all of that out and feeling better. In other words: instant gratification. I couldn’t wait until tomorrow to start restricting, I had to get rid of the fullness now.

Afterwards I noticed I had teeny tiny petechiae under my eyes and my throat was slightly red. Oh, and the highlight of my day was most definitely having to transfer the big chunks of vomit from the shower to the toilet after the shower almost clogged up. Then cleaning the shower with a bit of Woolite to get rid of the stench (it was the only bubbly product I had nearby). ~Eating disorders are So Glamorous!~*

Meanwhile, sleep continues to be horribly shitty, and it’s the main reason, alongside the abuse issues, that I haven’t studied these last 4 days. R gave me a prescription for 50mg of trazodone, to see if that helps. Yesterday I woke up ridiculously dizzy after taking it for the first time. So dizzy, in fact, that I was afraid of driving and spent the day in pajamas moping/lying around the house, and almost falling over whenever I decided to stand up or walk. Today I’ve felt slightly better, and I also slept slightly better. So, let’s see what happens tonight.

Meh, I don’t know. I’m under a lot of stress, I didn’t realize it until today. I’m under a lot of stress with my future and Step 2 CK, but mainly with the abuse issues.  My most recent dreams are evidence of that.

I just….don’t know. I kind of need an outside perspective because I can’t seem to figure myself out this week.

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5 comments
  1. I know how hard it is to talk about something so deeply personal to you. To fear just getting it out in front of someone at the expense of not being able to control yourself. To fear how that person is going to look at you from now on.

    What you should realize is that the voice in your head telling you that you’ll be humiliated is preaching an outcome unlikely to happen with your therapists. They’re not there to judge you, only to help you. Talking will help you (and you clearly know that). That’s why they listen. That’s why they’re there, because they honestly care about your well-being.

    If you want to get out what you know you need to get out, try focusing on one thing to start with rather than thinking about everything you want to talk about. When you focus on everything, you can overwhelm yourself and wonder how someone will react to all of it. So take it one step at a time. Allow yourself to divulge one thing that you feel may be humiliating. And then when you see that R and G aren’t judging you and that talking about that one thing actually feels good, then you’ll begin to feel like you can let another thing come out. And then another thing. But the important part of this is starting with that one thing, getting the ball rolling, and showing yourself that talking with R and G about your experiences isn’t the nightmare scenario that you think it’ll be.

    In fact, talking about these things won’t be humiliating, it will be an act of courage. So go ahead and start letting it out. Start losing control a little bit. It’s okay. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be fearful. It’s okay to be anxious. And it’s okay to be brave and allow someone to know that you’re feeling these things and why you’re feeling them.

    You can do it. I believe in you.

    Good luck. 🙂

    Like

    • Hey! Thank you so much for your words and understanding. Really, you’ve left me speechless (as usual!). I really needed to hear (read) that.

      It sounds ironic because of my being a medical student, but as a patient I tend to forget that R and G care about me the same way I care about my patients. So thank you for reminding me of that fact 🙂

      You know, I had a good session with G this week precisely because I just focused on one topic like you said. Granted, it was about food and not The Ex, but I felt incredibly ar ease and just letting things flow…it all made me feel better even if food is a topic I’m not very willing to discuss with them.

      Thank you for believing in me friend 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nice to hear that you had a good session. I’m glad you’re having success. You deserve that success. 🙂

        Like

  2. K said:

    I’m sorry you’re reliving some painful memories. I went through that too, a long time ago… come to think of it, I think I had a touch of OCD. Thoughts and images would plague me (of sexual experiences that revolted me) and I could not control them. I would be crawling in my own skin. It was a terrible feeling. I hope you find something that works for you to get over this hump. Some people do better with distraction, as ruminating can be harmful for them and make them just wallow in the painful memories. Others need to get it all out verbally and then are able to let them go and focus on other things.

    When did you first start purging? It’s such a curse and a blessing, isn’t it? And I completely understand that feeling of fullness… I feel like I made a huge mistake and that I need to undo it immediately. But I also hate the feeling of hunger… *sigh*

    Sending you love and strength,
    K

    Like

    • Hey hun,

      Yes, I feel I’m one of those people who just needs to let it all out verbally and have a cathartic moment. The problem is pushing aside all my insecurities and just letting go. At least I’m finally aware of this and will hopefully put in more effort toward being more verbal in my next therapy sessions.

      I haven’t really taken purging as a habit, and I certainly hope I don’t. It’s a relatively rare event still. But I think the first time I did it was maybe December or January of this year. I’m not sure, but it’s recent. It’s the instant gratification that’s so addictive isn’t it? Lat time I did it I didn’t get much emotional relief from it, but the previous times I’ve felt almost a high afrerwards and that scares me.

      So glad to hear from you. Hope you are holding up and if you feel overwhelmed with everything you have going on remember to reach out. Take care ❤

      Like

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