I took a tiny break there. Sorry about that, haven’t been feeling wonderful these past few days.
I had some really difficult therapy sessions with G and R this week. More with R than with G. I had trouble communicating with R because I wanted to talk to her about the abuse but I couldn’t . I’ve lately been feeling an incredible amount of anger about the abuse but I’ve also been keeping it inside or blocking it, unfortunately. So when I saw R this week I wanted to talk to her about the abuse, specifically the memories and flashbacks, in full graphic, nasty details.
I don’t know why but I’ve felt for a while now that I really need that, that I really need to tell them all the details of my flashbacks and just let out the anger, fear, anxiety, and everything in between. I mean, what better place to do that than in therapy? And for some reason I feel that letting all of that out and sharing all the graphic details will help make me feel better. I’ve been graphic before, just not as graphic as I feel is necessary.
Yesterday I found out The Ex, who works now in a law-related field and is no longer a teacher, is providing orientation to schools about different subjects, including, but not limited to, institutional abuse. Oh, the irony. I burst out laughing maniacally when I read that. I was in RAGE. I’ve been feeling incredible amounts of RAGE toward this person, how he is getting away with what he did to me (and who knows, maybe to other people too). And yet, something keeps me from speaking out: fear. Fear of losing privacy, fear of being even more shamed and humiliated than I’ve already been.
Yesterday I also realized that the first sexual act that happened was when I was 16…in school grounds. What the fuck. Add a double layer of “what the fuck” after realizing that was my first ever sexual encounter with another person and I had no idea what I liked or disliked, so I just did what he wanted me to, no matter how humiliated it made me feel.
I feel so humiliated and disgusting whenever I think about all of this. And I feel an incredible power of The Ex over me still. Like I explained to R before: I feel his “ghost” is somewhat inside of me still, controlling my every move and even my illness. And yet, I can’t let all that anger out for fear of further humiliation, fear of being judged by G or R, and finally, fear of losing control in front of my therapists or in front of family.
So, naturally, these last few days I’ve been feeling kind of shitty depression-wise. Not horrible though, but my food issues made sure to compensate for that by rearing their ugly heads and striking back. I haven’t been restricting much (unfortunately) but I purged part of my dinner yesterday and a big part of dinner today. And I’m terrified of weighing myself because I know in my heart that I’ve gained some.
I went out to dinner today with my dad. Shared an appetizer and dessert with him, and had two slices of pizza. I felt ridiculously distended, full, and disgusting afterwards. About an hour later I was down on my knees in the shower purging. I don’t like to purge, I actually hate it because like I’ve said before I’m terrified of losing my teeth. But I also absolutely hate dealing with my gastric contents. But feeling so full reminds me of a million things, and in between the feeling horribly fat and disgusting, there’s thoughts about The Ex’s semen and feeling as fat and disgusting as he was. So, purging is a nasty means of getting all of that out and feeling better. In other words: instant gratification. I couldn’t wait until tomorrow to start restricting, I had to get rid of the fullness now.
Afterwards I noticed I had teeny tiny petechiae under my eyes and my throat was slightly red. Oh, and the highlight of my day was most definitely having to transfer the big chunks of vomit from the shower to the toilet after the shower almost clogged up. Then cleaning the shower with a bit of Woolite to get rid of the stench (it was the only bubbly product I had nearby). ~Eating disorders are So Glamorous!~*
Meanwhile, sleep continues to be horribly shitty, and it’s the main reason, alongside the abuse issues, that I haven’t studied these last 4 days. R gave me a prescription for 50mg of trazodone, to see if that helps. Yesterday I woke up ridiculously dizzy after taking it for the first time. So dizzy, in fact, that I was afraid of driving and spent the day in pajamas moping/lying around the house, and almost falling over whenever I decided to stand up or walk. Today I’ve felt slightly better, and I also slept slightly better. So, let’s see what happens tonight.
Meh, I don’t know. I’m under a lot of stress, I didn’t realize it until today. I’m under a lot of stress with my future and Step 2 CK, but mainly with the abuse issues. My most recent dreams are evidence of that.
I just….don’t know. I kind of need an outside perspective because I can’t seem to figure myself out this week.