It’s incredible how much my mood changes with only an hour and a half of dance class. And to think, I was considering not going today because I’m behind studying for Step 2 CK. Plus, today wasn’t a particularly good day to begin with.
I woke up early, as usual, after a few hours of shitty, superficial, non-deep sleep. I don’t even know when was the last time I had a decent amount of deep sleep, probably last year. What got me in such a shitty mood the second I woke up wasn’t just that I barely slept, but all the noise in the house. My parents having breakfast, arguing, turning on the TV, etc.
So that got me off on the wrong foot. Didn’t go downstairs for breakfast until 1:30pm because: 1) I hate having noise around me while I’m having breakfast, 2) I wanted to fast for a few hours (embarrassing to admit that second one).
I am so ridiculously sensitive to external stimuli. I’m sensitive to extreme sunlight because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I’m sensitive to loud noises or having too many noises around me at the same time. I’m sensitive to touch, it makes me uncomfortable under certain circumstances (but that’s mainly after the relationshiT). I startle easily. And I also have a very good sense of smell. I’ve always been that way. My mom has always told me that as a kid I could only go to the mall for a maximum of 1 hour because I started getting overwhelmed and desperate due to all the people around me. I’m still the same nowadays (yikes).
But I don’t hate that about me. I actually like it. And something that’s helped me progress in this whole journey I’m undergoing is accepting that and actually avoiding environments with external stimuli that make me uncomfortable. I used to do it unconsciously before, but now I’m well aware of it. My mood is easily influenced by these things, especially noise. Noise gets me on edge.
However, it’s not just any noise that gets me on edge. It’s mostly when it’s too many noises vying for my attention at the same time. For example, I can go to a concert and enjoy the music, even if I don’t like loud noises in general. But if I’m at home sitting peacefully at the kitchen, trying to have breakfast, and my mom turns on the TV, then starts arguing with my dad, then the dogs start barking at something outside while one of the neighbors is mowing the lawn…..it’s too much. It makes my skin crawl.
That’s why I can’t be an ER physician, haha. It’s just too much for me. I’m in tune with my surroundings way too much.
And still, when I decide to tune out, I really tune out. I can go into such deep daydreams that when I snap out of them I feel like I just lost time.
But noise…gah. I can’t deal with it. It triggers me so much that I prefer to fast over dealing with noise. It has such an incredible effect on me depression-wise. It really hits me across the face like a pair of bricks.
And yet, dance classes have this insane ability to take all of that away and leave me feeling like a clean slate. So, in the end, I feel a little bit more satisfied with how today turned out. Bittersweet, but ok.