I’ve got a lot on my mind. Oh, wait, when don’t I have a lot on my mind?
I had some pretty intense sessions with G and R this week. Was actually expecting them to be intense because I’d sent them this post to read. However, I barely touched the subject of weight during both sessions. Denial, much? My fear of gaining weight is so intensely severe that I avoid the topic entirely during therapy.
First up was G on Tuesday. Ended up crying with her. I think this was only the first or second time that I actually cried during session with her (Kleenex and all). We were talking about The Ex, and at one point she was explaining my behaviors and thoughts to me. She said something along the lines of me never reporting or accusing him of anything because, in part, I feel guilty for even considering putting my school under public scrutiny.
The thing is, the school I graduated from has a decent reputation in the city. And at times I feel that coming forth with what happened would be almost like David trying to take on Goliath. I would end up being “the one that ruined so-and-so school’s reputation”. I’d never told G about this, though. So when she said that during session I couldn’t help but start bawling. How the hell did she know that? How did she know something so embarrassing and self-defeating like that? It hurts to admit she was right. I feel powerless when it comes to all of this and I have no idea what to do with myself now that I know what really happened in the relationshiT.
She gave me an assignment to bring to therapy whenever I feel ready. She asked: What has to happen now for you to feel at peace with the past (the abuse)?
Right now, I have no fucking idea. I’ll get back to you on that, G.
Then later in the week was R’s appointment. I was in a good mood, slightly hyper, and spewing comedy every second or so. She noticed, and I guess she tried not to push my buttons too much. But I pushed my own buttons too much and ended up having a flashback fest. She asked me what I was thinking about when she noticed what was going on. I don’t know if I ever got around to answering but I was having flashbacks of The Ex whispering in my ear or licking my ear, and how disgusting that always felt. To this day, having someone whisper in my ear is one of the worst, if not the worst, trigger for me. Actually, even writing that was difficult so….moving on!
I almost went down the rabbit hole but she had me do something interesting to stay present. First off, she said that all of that was in the past, and I was in my safe place at that moment. Then she started asking me to describe the air’s trajectory through the air conditioning unit in her office. I hadn’t done that before, and it proved incredibly useful as I focused on what she was asking instead of on the triggers/flashbacks. Actually, it even proved useful as I was arriving home after the appointment and started having flashbacks again.
R also gave me an assignment. She said something along the lines of: You control your food to protect your dad from his obesity. What other things do you control?
Unlike G’s question, I have a few ideas, but they’re all over the place. I mean, what don’t I control?
And all of this is kind of overwhelming me right now, so I’m just focusing on my weight. And by “focusing on my weight” I mean “focusing on calling myself a fat cow as much as possible and body checking”. Ah, body checking….the bane of my existence. Even sitting is a trigger weight-wise. Looking down at my thighs and my belly, pinching my abdomen, feeling my lunch swirling in there, knowing it’s too late to purge now….
Feeling full. Whispering. The worst triggers ever.