It’s been about 3 weeks since I truly felt miserable depression-wise. Let’s see if I can keep it up. To be honest it feels a bit weird. I mean, it’s good….but weird.
As for food-wise, it’s a whole other story. The eating disordered thoughts are always there, and a behavior here and there keeps me on edge. This whole week I’ve been home alone and I thought it would be a fasting fest, but for some reason I couldn’t get myself to do it. Skipped meals or snacks here and there, but nothing serious; which of course, makes me feel like a “fat failure”. And just like my previous post I feel like purging my lunch now. *Sigh*
During my appointment with G this past week, she told me she wants to address the food issues on our next appointment. I merely rolled my eyes anxiously when she said that, but really I was terrified inside. I know what G is like, and I know that once she starts tackling food issues with me, things are going to get ugly. To a certain point, it was even funny when she mentioned that because she said she knows I drop a few clues here and there about my food issues but never get around to tackling them. I couldn’t help but laugh, the woman truly is listening to me after all. But honestly, when she said that, a monster kind of woke up inside of me and I got in instant defensive mode. I’m scared. I don’t want to tackle this. I just want to lose weight. Just let me lose weight and be thin. Let me manipulate my body and control….I need this.
Meanwhile, I was relieved of The Ex and memories pertaining to the relationshiT during this whole week. Even during my session with G I think I didn’t even mention much of it. Then yesterday *BAM* flashbacks, memories, disgust, guilt, anxiety….the whole package. It was all triggered by the “security measures” I took with the blog. Mainly I was thinking about my past as a child and how many things have just left me confused over the years and I have yet to understand myself fully.
There’s a lot I don’t remember from my childhood, but I honestly don’t know if it’s a normal degree of “I don’t know” or if it’s something I should be suspicious of. I honestly think it’s the former, and yet, even a bunch of things I do remember are weird to some degree or another. I’m not saying that something happened to me as a child, but I have always found it odd that I would, out-of-the-blue, engage in an abusive relationship with an older man during my teens.
Like I’ve said before, 9-10 years-old was a defining age for me. And yet, I don’t know why. I always just thought it was puberty, and that it hit me hard and relatively early, but somehow I think there’s more to it. Still, I’m really frustrated because: 1) I’ll probably never know if something actually happened, or 2) maybe nothing happened and I was simply a weird little outlier in the developmental sense. I try to piece things about myself together, and yet I always arrive at a dead end.
Then today I read this article. The similarities are just uncanny. Replace the name “Marcy” with “Dana” and you basically have my story. Even the disgusting things he said about not being able to control himself were the same with me….word for word.
I just don’t understand any of it. And instead of dealing with that, which seems so out of control and confusing, I prefer to deal with my weight, which is something straightforward and simple. Become smaller so you don’t grow up. Become smaller so you can remain unique and special. Become smaller so the outside can reflect the fragility of your inside. Become smaller so you can physically feel the emptiness and a weight being lifted off your whole body. Become smaller so you don’t become a sexual object. No boobs, no butt, no thighs, so they don’t look at you with lustful glances.
I’d lost two pounds the other day and was incredibly relieved and relaxed because of it. That same day was my appointment with G. I mentioned it to her, told her what my weight was and she could see my excitement. She kind of tagged along with the conversation but I could see it in her face, her thinking: “What the fuck is wrong with her? She’s already underweight!”
But I’d rather remain in that state of simplicity and control. I’d rather focus on that than trying to piece together a bunch of stupid memories that will simply lead me to the dead end of all dead ends:
That I am simply weird and there is no explanation for what happened or how it happened.