This whole week since my last appointment with R I’ve been feeling good. My body image issues have come out to play, but depression-wise I’ve been doing good.
And it’s funny because I think it has a lot to do with my crying last Thursday in my appointment with her. Like I said, I released a lot of pent up negative energy and things I’ve felt and wanted to say for who knows how long.
I saw her today again, and she noticed I’m doing better. I told her I was sorry for crying and taking her extra time last week, and she said “But it was good for you, because you’ve been doing great these past few days.” I’m glad she noticed and I didn’t have to say it. I love it when G and R simply see things in me and I don’t have to tell them. It means they’re aware, present, and paying attention.
So, I had the dreaded transference-related conversation with her. And it actually went way better than I expected. For me, that is, I wasn’t expecting any less from R, but I was expecting to feel more uncomfortable than I actually did. I mean, it was crazy awkward, but it went smoothly.
I explained to her that I realized I was having this transference problem when I saw G this week. The thing is, when I see G I usually finish the appointment feeling energized, whereas lately when I see R I finish the appointment feeling a lot of emotional baggage. And I realized at that point that the problem was probably because I’ve been seeing R as a mother figure I could potentially replace my real mom with. This is something I’ve done since I was a kid, and it’s pretty embarrassing. I used to do it with teachers, a lot, but I didn’t want to accept (until two days ago) that I’ve been doing it with R lately.
And it’s been interfering with my progress to a certain point because child-me wants R to be my mom so badly and do motherly things for me, but obviously “in real life” she isn’t ever going to to provide that for me because she’s my (very ethical) psychiatrist. So, the reason I’ve been so emotionally charged in my last appointments with her, I concluded, is because I want her to provide that motherly love, but I’m obviously not getting it.
I told her all of this. Oh it was so embarrassing! But it was so necessary.
We discussed it at length. And I’m happy we both agree it’s not a hindrance to my being her patient, but merely something I have to be aware of and work on.
Funny thing is, after discussing all of that with her today, I felt closer to my own real mom when I got back home. I think I really had to let all of that out last week so I could continue to heal. I really want my relationship with R to help strengthen my relationship with my own mom. It’s something I really need so that child-me can finally heal after all these years.
So, the conclusion is: always tell your therapist everything. They’re used to hearing and discussing embarrassing shit. It’s their bread and butter, and in the process it’s going to help make you feel better.