Facing the transference monster

Before my appointment with R last Thursday, I wasn’t feeling all too well. But this weekend has been a bit of a refresher, in spite of my ever present inability to sleep well.

I had a bit of a moment with her last week, something that hadn’t happened before. I cried, as in, tears streaming down my face for at least 15 minutes and having the box of kleenex handed down to me. But I released so much pent up negative energy and it felt good….to cry….to finally be able to cry.

It all began as a difficult appointment, because I was being difficult. For some reason I felt really distant from R and putting up a wall. The whole hour I was tense, overanalyzing everything, and holding myself back. And then, for some reason, in the last few minutes of the appointment, I committed every therapist’s worst nightmare: I had a word-vomit and started crying. She had to give me an extra 20 minutes. Yikes. I was pretty embarrassed.

It happened when I suddenly told her I was pissed because I was an idiot incapable of reporting/accusing The Ex. I let my anger loose and it was all downhill from there. But it was necessary since I had too much anger begging to be released. A lot of anger relating to The Ex, my mom, my past, and the childhood friend who is practically an ex-childhood friend now. I told her about the flashbacks, and I was graphic, because I needed it all out of me.

(That’s all I’m saying about The Ex for now, I’m in a good mood and I don’t feel like souring up. I have to stop giving him power over me.)

I started crying and among the things I told her was:

“Ever since I was little, I’ve always felt unprotected. Nobody ever helped me, nobody ever defended me. I was important to no one. I was invisible and everybody, including family, ignored me. I feel like I grew up alone. I would meet women who I dreamed having as mother figures, and would imitate their behavior. That’s how I grew up! I made myself!”

And then I said it. I laid it all bare and I finally told her what I’ve been keeping within myself all this time:

“…And I really wish you could be that person who would protect me and take care of me, but you can’t and you shouldn’t!”

Yikes. That was embarrassing to admit. My transference issues laid bare for her to pick and prod….I felt like I was talking from the deep recesses of my mind/heart/soul…like child-me had just decided to come out and say all the things she’s been keeping inside all these years.

It was great but, ugh, I have mixed feelings about it. I know that’s just going to open up the Pandora’s box of transference issues that have been simmering under the surface all this time. But on the other hand it’s a good thing. I need to discuss these things with her further so I can continue to heal. I just hope I didn’t scare her away. That would be my worst nightmare, honestly.

And it was quite the cliffhanger, really, because time had run out and she told me we would discuss it on our next session.

I can already feel child-me starting to scurry around desperately for safety.

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