Surprisingly, today wasn’t a bad day. It wasn’t great but, at least I felt a bit relieved misery-wise.
All my friends matched, even the one friend I was worried wouldn’t match. I was genuinely glad for them when I got the news. But then I just quickly switched to my own stuff to do and tried to ignore the thoughts of I’m a failure for not being able to share this moment with them. So, it’s basically over for them, this journey they call med school. It’s not for me….yet. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t have a bit of a thorn in my side because of that, but I’m basically ignoring the thoughts so they don’t get out of control.
My mom is again having her unpredictable moods. I realized today that it’s been affecting me way more than I thought, as usual. It’s something I’ve always struggled with. G has always told me, since I began therapy with her, that separating myself from my mother’s own issues is going to prove key for my progress in therapy. Honestly, sometimes I lose hope that that is ever going to happen. The pain is too deep-rooted.
Thing is, ever since my sister’s husband moved in temporarily she’s been nice and calm. That lasted quite a while, but I guess she’s gotten used to him now because she’s going back to her old self. The times of blissful peace are coming to an end, it seems.
Back are the times of constant noise in the home, frivolous arguments, the steely glances and burning cold whenever she interacts with us….and I know I should be over this by now, seeing as I’m a pseudo-adult, but she’s back to being her cold, distant self, providing meager love and support. And it’s frustrating because ever since I was a child it’s always been the same: I get a brief taste of blissful peace and how things could potentially be if she was emotionally ok, but then it goes back down. Yesterday I explained it to MM likening it to giving me a puppy and then taking it away again and again. It creates distrust, tension, and really erodes the already delicate relationship I have with her.
I can’t help but feel selfish, because I know my mom has her set of issues that I’m only partially familiarized with, but deep in my heart is that little girl who simply wanted to be consistently loved by her mom. I can’t shake it off. I keep getting abandoned by her, again and again. Was I asking for too much? Was I too demanding?
I don’t know. All I know is, the blissful peace is again over.