I deleted my old blogspot. So now the blog is just here, on WordPress. For some reason knowing it’s deleted makes me feel powerful and more covert; that is, as covert as one can be having a very personal and very public blog out in the wild internets.
It’s also Match Week for fourth year medical students in the US; except for me, that is (see my Dictionary page if you don’t know what the monster otherwise known as “The Match” is). So, while I’m in my strange little limbo where I’m a fourth year med student but don’t graduate until another year, my friends are biting their fingernails and having small heart attacks as the minutes pass by, knowing their futures are as uncertain as my eventual recovery (bad joke, but it stays). And by “friends”, I really just mean my two closest med school friends with whom I text daily (my real friends). It feels weird knowing in the coming years I might get to see them frequently if they match at a nearby program, or I might not see them much ever again if they match far away. Yikes…I’ll just go quietly into “Denial Mode” for now.
And because it’s Match week, I’ve decided there will be absolutely NO FACEBOOK for me during this week (but my ultimate goal is no facebook for the next two weeks). Actually, it should be no facebook forever and ever, but let’s start out small, shall we? It really only makes me feel worse, and I already feel shitty. I don’t need the one million status updates saying “MATCHED” or “I MATCHED FTW” or “IT’S OVER” etc. etc. I’ll just keep on doing my thing over in my little corner of the world.
I also told my mom it’s absolutely PROHIBITED to mention or ask about the Match, or ask about my friends in the coming days. She got upset when I told her and she didn’t understand why she couldn’t ask me about my friends matching or not. I think after having your daughter have her med school career take a detour due to a psychiatric hospitalization and feeling like a failure it’s pretty obvious why I don’t want to talk about all that….but heck, there you go, that’s my mom.
As for how I’m doing emotionally….I think “like a pile of dog shit surrounded by countless flies under 12 o’clock sunshine” pretty much sums it up. Nah, I’m not doing good at all, but I’m miraculously holding up. I’m still not sure what exactly is causing this most recent depression-dip. All I know is, it’s a bunch of things happening at the same time and it cannot keep getting worse because I have to study for Step 2 CK. Now that I think of it, putting them in a list might help (or at least the ones I’m fully conscious of), so here goes:
- I’m taking Step 2 CK very soon, and so far my studying is….well…..pretty much non-existent.
- Facebook. Fucking facebook. Fucking facebook with all it’s people and their “perfect” little lives. We all know it’s a facade, but it still gets to me.
Now, onto the more serious stuff….
- The abuse. I don’t think I have to elaborate more on the flashbacks, the “sex screwed-up-ness”, the psychological stuff, and all that bullshit….at least not for now, and not here.
- My mom. MM’s husband (yes, they got married a while ago) is living here since last year and he’s acted as a sort of buffer for mom’s unpredictable moods. However, recently, this is starting to take a turn and it would seem as though she’s getting used to his presence. Hence, I feel like things are going back to their shitty ways, and mom’s unpredictable moods and inconsistent love and affection are back.
- I realized in the past week that my only childhood girlfriend isn’t really someone I’m interested in having as a friend anymore. Maybe more of an acquaintance. But friend? No. We’ve grown apart, as is natural for friendships usually, but also there’s a lot of pent-up stuff going on there that really gets to me. More on that later (if I get the guts to publish it oh so publicly). In summary, she makes me feel worthless whenever she decides to make random appearances in my current life, and I really don’t need that.
- Sleep, or lack thereof. I need to discuss this further with R this week and the days just keep getting slower and slower.
- Disturbing dreams. When I get some sleep I have some pretty disturbing dreams, not because they’re graphic or about people dying or something, but because they remind me of my “mommy issues”, of the abuse, or of how I felt so isolated and ignored as a child and still do at times.
- It’s Match week. I can’t help but feel like some strange, resurrected dodo in limbo while my med school friends anxiously wait for news about their futures.
- Food Food Food. Fat Fat Fat.
- Stigma. Fucking stigma. More on it later.
I don’t think that list is nearly thorough enough. This post deserves a part deux.