Well, I am dead tired.
Falling asleep isn’t a problem for me. The problem I’m having is staying asleep, or waking up too early in the morning, 2 or 3 hours before my alarm is scheduled to go off. And the noise, the goddamn noise at all times. My eyes are puffy and I have dark circles under them, which never happens.
Of course, with that in mind, it was quite obvious I was going to wake up today feeling horrible. And that’s exactly what happened. So, I had to cancel the research meeting I had with my resident/mentor today because oh my, there is no way I’m getting out of this house today.
Depression getting in the way of my life, as usual.
I truly feel horrible. I have a headache, my body aches because I had dance class yesterday and I barely slept, I’m very slow…..literally feel like I was run over by a train (and simultaneously wishing I was run over by a train so that all of this will finally be done with). And I have barely any emotions other than melancholic and miserable. I hate that. I hate how depression takes away your ability to feel anything and turns you into a walking corpse. All I feel capable of doing is lying in bed all day or sitting still. It’s days like these when my suicidal thoughts get the most creative.
I still can’t pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me. In my previous posts I’ve been blaming it on the abuse, the flashbacks, etc, but somehow I feel there’s even more to my feeling miserable. And I had a dream last night that left me feeling so disturbed. It reminded me of how lonely and ignored I felt as a child.
But that’s the thing, I still feel very lonely and ignored nowadays. And I feel so terribly alone today.
I feel like emailing G or R…or both of them. But somehow I feel it’s pointless.
Don’t know what to do.