Day in, day out

Well, I am dead tired.

Falling asleep isn’t a problem for me. The problem I’m having is staying asleep, or waking up too early in the morning, 2 or 3 hours before my alarm is scheduled to go off. And the noise, the goddamn noise at all times. My eyes are puffy and I have dark circles under them, which never happens.

Of course, with that in mind, it was quite obvious I was going to wake up today feeling horrible. And that’s exactly what happened. So, I had to cancel the research meeting I had with my resident/mentor today because oh my, there is no way I’m getting out of this house today.

Depression getting in the way of my life, as usual.

I truly feel horrible. I have a headache, my body aches because I had dance class yesterday and I barely slept, I’m very slow…..literally feel like I was run over by a train (and simultaneously wishing I was run over by a train so that all of this will finally be done with). And I have barely any emotions other than melancholic and miserable. I hate that. I hate how depression takes away your ability to feel anything and turns you into a walking corpse. All I feel capable of doing is lying in bed all day or sitting still. It’s days like these when my suicidal thoughts get the most creative.

I still can’t pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me. In my previous posts I’ve been blaming it on the abuse, the flashbacks, etc, but somehow I feel there’s even more to my feeling miserable. And I had a dream last night that left me feeling so disturbed. It reminded me of how lonely and ignored I felt as a child.

But that’s the thing, I still feel very lonely and ignored nowadays. And I feel so terribly alone today.

I feel like emailing G or R…or both of them. But somehow I feel it’s pointless.

Don’t know what to do.

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4 comments
  1. Hi — it sounds like the desire to isolate is the depression talking? not sure who G or R are, but if they’re people you trust, then it sounds like a good option. I hope writing your post and getting your thoughts out helped a little too? please continue to reach out, whether it’s through blogging, etc, and i hope u feel less and less horrible as the days progresses

    Like

    • Hey Vania,

      You are oh so right, the desire to isolate is most definitely the depression talking. I’ve always had a really hard time not giving in to the urge to isolate. G and R are my psychologist and psychiatrist, respectively. I ended up not emailing them, because it’s something I like to keep as a last resort when things are very bad. And they were, but in between looking for their emails and choosing my words, I calmed down a bit. We’ll see what happens in therapy this week. And thank you for your support and kind words, I really appreciate it 🙂

      Take care

      Like

  2. Hanstan said:

    Hi. Hanstan here. It’s been a while. I’m also going through a tough time at the moment – I’m actually on a leave of absence for the rest of the year as my depression has just sort of spiralled out of control. I’m thinking of you, and I’ve actually decided to also start a blog here on WordPress. Just thought I’d give you an update. Sending strength x

    Like

    • Hey Hanstan,

      I’m so sorry to hear things are also not good on your end. Taking a leave is such a difficult decision, and I’m 100% sure it was not easy for you. Focus on yourself now, and let your mind and body rest. I’m thinking of you too. Let me know when you start up your blog and if you need help or support with anything, remember I’m just a comment or email away 🙂

      Take care

      Like

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