Free association, minus the couch

I have way too much running around in my head. As a result, I can feel myself going down, down, down a dark well. What angers me the most is that there’s chances for me to grab onto a random protruding rock in the well and not keep falling, but it takes so much strength to do that.

I’m supposed to be studying for Step 2 CK but so far I’ve got nothing done because I’ve got way too much emotional sludge in my brain. Tomorrow I’m seeing G, and that’s good because she’s good at slapping some sense into me and getting me to work most of the time.

I don’t know what is wrong with me lately, or maybe I do? I have so many things on my to-do list pertaining to medical school and my fourth year plans, however I feel like I’m self-sabotaging in a way because instead of focusing on those things and just getting shit done I’m focusing on the relationshiT. But at the same time I’m torn between believing it’s self-sabotage and believing I’m just allowing myself to feel the things I didn’t allow myself to feel years ago when everything was happening with The Ex. *Sigh* this mental health stuff is so confusing.

I have to just let things slide. I’m not letting them slide right now.

The eating disordered voice in my head keeps talking louder as the days go by, the depression voice too…and then today the cherry on top was hearing my mom crying. It destroys me whenever I hear her cry, but mostly it’s for completely selfish reasons. Whenever I hear her cry I know things are going downhill with her, so things will go downhill at home, so that means shit’s about to get serious again.

Yes, a big part of me gets worried for her because heck, my mom is crying and I don’t know why….but really what I feel deep down is……fear.

Yes. Fear. Complete and utter fear. Whenever I hear my mom cry I feel like a child-me again and I feel an incredible amount of fear because…..the love will be inconsistent to absent again, she will be emotionally unavailable, no matter what I do she will never be happy or feel better….and I will feel absolutely miserable, unprotected, and alone in this world again for who knows how long.

Wow. I think I just had a moment of enlightenment. Who knows how long this has been going on? Years? Since birth?

Unfortunately, I don’t remember things ever being any different at home.

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