Back again

I’m back. Finally. Been doing a crappy job of writing in my diary lately, but hopefully that’s over now.

Ok so, I finished my pediatrics rotation. Took the final exams. Hopefully I passed but I’m pretty scared, especially for the “written” exam (shelf exam) since I had to do a lot of educated guesses which leaned more toward guesses than educated. I hope my next post is filled with only good news and no bad news. I don’t know if my self-esteem could handle any bad news right now.

Truth is, I enjoyed the rotation, surprisingly enough. Not because I particularly liked pediatrics, but because I learned a lot and had a completely different attitude than what I had before the leave of absence. I took my time to enjoy the little things. The downside is, because I was so relaxed and taking things slowly, I didn’t study very well and now I’m scared I didn’t pass those exams and will have to repeat them. We’ll see.

As for that attending to whom I had to present a case, it seemed to go incredibly well. She gave me really good feedback and seemed to be genuinely invested in my doing the best work I could and learning as much as I could. It was a good experience after all. I believe I handled the situation well. Instead of turning all defiant I went on here and wrote my heart out. By the way, sorry for being so graphic in my previous post, but I really had to take a few things off my chest.

And the guy….sigh…no good news there, unfortunately. I guess he didn’t see much in me, because I haven’t heard from him since he last replied an old text of mine on Valentine’s day. I really wanted to get to know him and I got really good vibes from him. But whatever, at least I now have a better idea of what I like and don’t like in a guy. I’m very very very bummed….I’ll just have to give myself time to forget him. Easier said than done, especially when said person made you feel something other people haven’t been able to: being yourself.

Two weeks ago I saw G, and I’m really worried about how I reacted to being with her again. I hadn’t seen her in four weeks and I was very apprehensive and suspicious. It was really difficult to talk to her and feel comfortable after so much time. I really hate it when that happens.

Then last Thursday I saw R, and it went great. It was very easy to talk to her, as opposed to G, because I’ve been seeing her more frequently. Our schedule is supposed to be more “stable” from now on, seeing G one week and R the next. I’m just worried I’ll start favoring one over the other. So far I haven’t had that problem, but I know myself too well to know that it can pop up any moment now. That’s why our schedules have to be stable, predictable…I need routine when it comes to the two of them.

The appointment with R was great. However, she had to give me an extra 20 minutes because I had another one of those panic-attack-like episodes where I was horribly triggered while talking about The Ex. I told her things I hadn’t told anyone before, and my eyes watered, which is a first with R. She kept telling me: “Remember that’s not happening now. You’re here now.” It was hard to believe her. And it was embarrassing, since I’m well aware she’s got a shitload of work and patients. But she really has no idea how thankful I am for her giving me that extra time and not rushing me….especially for not rushing me.

And so…that concludes my “welcome back” post for now. Like I said, I hope my next post is good news.

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