You’re not the first one who doesn’t care about me

I’m not exactly happy.

I haven’t been taking good care of myself, haven’t been writing in my diary consistently, haven’t been studying….I’ve basically neglected myself entirely, hence my lack of posting these last few days. Sorry about that.

It’s quite embarrassing to put this into words, but….I don’t think a second date is going to happen with that guy. I feel like such an idiot. I should have seen this coming. If there’s something I’ve learned about life since being hospitalized it’s this: much like Newton’s third law of motion, for every down there’s an up, but for every up there’s also a down.

So, like I said, the date seemed to go well, at least on my part. I texted him a while after he dropped me off at home, saying I had a great time. He said he too had a good time, and that there would be a second round.

But since then he’s made absolutely no effort to contact me. I texted him on two occasions, the first was three days later to ask him how his studying was going and the other was a play on a joke he posted on facebook. Both times led to a 5 minute short, cordial conversation. But both times I was the one who reached out (and that’s not to count the fact that I was the one who asked him out).

Ugh.

I’ve been cutting him some slack because like I said, he’s studying for Step 2 CS. But still, I’m not stupid. Maybe the date didn’t go as great for him as it did for me.

Either way, I’m really frustrated, because I have quite a track record for attracting the weirdest, awkwardest guys out there, to whom I am not remotely attracted. Surprisingly, I’ve done more heartbreaking than having my own heart broken, simply because I’m a weird-guy magnet (and I’m not proud of that, because it’s never easy to tell someone that you don’t like them that way). But then this guy pops into the picture….a single, male medical student, who I like and who seemed to be interested in me (at least at first)….and who seemed quite normal. That’s never happened. Ever. So I’m pretty frustrated.

I’m taking it pretty hard because, like I’ve said countless times on here before, I have zero experience with dating and men. And lately I’ve been thinking I’m not that bad looking, then maybe it’s my personality…. I don’t know, I feel like an idiot. I shouldn’t have gotten excited in the first place.

All of this just aggravates my depression and emotional baggage. I’m not a mess, I’m not down in the dumps, because I know this is something that happens to everyone at one time or another….but I’m not exactly a ball of joy, considering my only “experience” was abuse and I really like this guy.

And on top of that, I was working with a toxic team at hospital, that made me feel completely inept and pathetic. The cherry on top was when I handed a resident a patient note and told her I filled it out as best I could, to which she responded “I don’t care what you write.” without even looking at me. And this particular resident reminded me of bullies I had as a kid, so yeah.

Back in square one. All I have is my dogs and my books. Guess I should learn my lesson already and stick to those.

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3 comments
  1. Pets are wonderful companions. I have my bunny hopping around my room right now. I also work in healthcare and run into people that remind me of bullies, but it is usually the supervisors.
    I am sorry you are suffering. Work and general life coping is very hard for us when we have depression. It is not the same as for other people.
    Blessings,
    Annie

    Like

    • Hey there Annie, thanks for reading and commenting. I agree, pets are amazing. I can’t say enough good things about my dogs, as I’m sure you can’t say enough good things about your bunny 🙂 And I’m glad you can relate to what I write. Depression in healthcare workers is such a taboo topic. Take care!

      Like

  2. med school is seriously a mind-fuck. good for you for taking a chance on this guy though. and i can totally understand the inconsistency w/ blogging…i took way too many breaks while blogging, which is usually a clear indication that we’re stressed out of our minds because, well, we’re med students + we have life to deal w/ which basically leaves us w/ barely any time to sleep (if we’re lucky), eat (if we’re lucky), and have an appropriate level of hygiene. hang in there and take care of yourself 🙂

    Like

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