Intrigue

Just gonna write my heart out here…

There’s this guy…

Here we go again?

Yes.

Another day, another crush. But this time around, the subject of my crush seems to have some interest in me, which almost never happens. Funny thing is, we haven’t really had a single normal human conversation. It’s a long story, I’m not going into details, but take my word for it when I say he seems interested.

But, at the same time, I have my doubts. He looks somewhat excited whenever I show up around him, and his eyes seem to light up a bit. However, I don’t know if he’s ridiculously shy or what, because he hasn’t really made a move. Yet, he texted me what day he finishes his rotation at my hospital (he’s from another med school) without my asking, and he told me to save his number. And, really, there was no need for him to do that unless he’s interested in one form or another.

But! Anxiety got in the way yesterday and screwed things up when I couldn’t get myself to talk to him while he stood right in front of me. Ugh. And I tried not to look desperate but instead came off as indifferent and uninterested. Ugh.

The problem is, I’m really interested in this guy. Note I said interested, and not attracted. I usually feel a strong physical attraction (if you know what I mean) towards my crushes…but this time around I want to get to know him first, to have a few laughs and have some decent conversation. I’m physically attracted to him, but I am really more intrigued by who he is and his personality. That’s never happened before, which makes me think maybe it’s a sign? I don’t know, there’s just something about him.

And I’m starting to get desperate because dude finishes his rotation this week, so if I make a move it’s got to be quick. But the thing is, I don’t want to come off as desperate (which is precisely what I am). That’s just going to scare him away. Though, at the same time, there’s something that compels me to make the first move (although not in an obviouisly-I’m-desperate-way). The other guys I’ve been attracted to before have always made the first move, and they’ve ended up being idiots. Maybe this time around I should take care of the icebreaker and see what happens? Follow my instinct?

Either way, this all brings me to the following: I’m 98% sure he’s single, he’s not gay, and I’m interested in him and he seems to be interested in me. When does that happen while you’re a female medical student or doctor? Never. Which is why I feel I should just take a leap of faith.

But! I am so clueless with all of this. And I’m afraid of him saying “NO”. That word could break me to pieces, honestly. What’s the worst he could say? “NO”. That’s the worst he could say, end of story.

So I’m trying to not get too excited and stay focused on my work.

Which, obviously, is not working.

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4 comments
  1. Ahhhh…the angst of med school interest/love. i remember those days…and experienced some of the most hurtful, yet some of the most blissful times during those years. you can experience both only if you take risks, but yes, it sucks because you don’t know which outcome it’ll be! your anxiety is definitely doing the talking right now…and sounds like approaching him will be the ultimate form of exposure therapy to overcome it 🙂 However, if you don’t, then at least you have his number…a text might be less painful? hope it goes well, whatever you decide to do 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey there! Thanks for reading and commenting, I really appreciate it. Argh, I’ve already had some guy-related hurtful times during these years, so hopefully the blissful ones are yet to come my way. Med school is such an interesting environment, almost a social experiment, don’t you think?

      Anxiety is definitely being an annoying weight on my back lately, but I finally did the icebreaker today 🙂 Will post about it later. I decided to take the risk and tried to stay as relaxed as possible because I really think this guy is worth getting to know at least. Small triumphs!

      Take care!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I was going to say take the risk so you won’t spend years on “what if”, but I see that you figured that out already!

    Like

    • Yes! It was nothing special, just an icebreaker….but hopefully a sign of good things to come. Thanks for the follow and commenting 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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